Humor Quotes - Page 134

Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me.

Kevin Hearne

At 8:23 there seemed every chance of a lasting alliance starting between Florin and Guilder.At 8:24 the two nations were very close to war.

William Goldman

Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust "Mothers of Borogravia!" and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust?Very nearly everyone, come to think of it...

Terry Pratchett

Wait, I got it. We, uh, won the battle and lost the war, or was it the other way around? 'Cause around here, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Kami Garcia

My objection to war was not that I had to kill somebody or be killed senselessly, that hardly mattered. What I objected to was to be denied the right to sit in a small room and starve and drink cheap wine and go crazy in my own way and at my own leisure.

Charles Bukowski

Falling in love is stupid, and whatsmore a waste of time. It's a thing for love-obsessed psycho's and dreamers. And that's exactly why people fall in it. And I don't blame them.

Isaiah Durrin

Perhaps I am like you. I love the byways, the tiny adventures, the faces that smile for an instant and are gone, a little boy with his face between the railings of a fence, watching the shoes go by. What is he thinking about? The people and their joys and sorrows? No way, he is seeing the shoes, shoes that tramp, limp, scuffle along, and perhaps his greatest concern is the tiny bug they might step on.It is probably the true meaning of compassionate, wondering about people's passions, thier feelings. Passion, one of the loveliest words in the language, one of the most misunderstood. One can have a love for so many things, but novelists sometimes overwork the word. Perhaps one can have a passionate belief, but not a passionate love for a car or asparagus. Passion is private, gentle, consuming, understanding and personal. It expresses so many things but does not belong to lipstick. It is in nature, pictures, people, always people. I suppose compassion begins when you watch the shoes and worry about the bug.

Leonard Budgell

People think I am younger then I really am,because I act so immature.

James Hauenstein

Irritatingly angry people have no sense of humor when wearing their “angry pants.

Cathy Burnham Martin

Sometimes people hate you. Just hate them back.

Abby Shanley

What irritates me most of all about these morning people is their horribly good temper, as if they have been up for three hours and already conquered France. Particularly since the vast majority of them, in spite of rising so appallingly early, have performed anything but great deeds. In Berlin I have time and again met people who make no secret of the fact that their only reason for stirring at such an ungodly hour of the morning is so that they can leave the office earlier in the afternoon. I have suggested to several of these eight-hour logicians that they ought to start work at ten o'clock at night, thereby allowing them to leave at six in the morning and perhaps even arrive home before it is time to get up. Some even took this for a serious suggestion. In my opinion, only bakers need to work early in the morning.

Timur Vermes

For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid.

Ariel Leve

Normal....What the majority of people look, act, and talk and like.So what if the majority became what we see as wierd now?Would our normal, become our new wierd?

Catherine of Genoa

It's perfectly normal that extraordinary things happen to me. I'm an exceptional person. Oh, don't think I'm boasting. I mean to say that, unfortunately, I'm exceptional and that, unfortunately, I can't live by the rules. I must make my own.

Cocteau

In the first place, Cranford is in possession of the Amazons; all the holders of houses above a certain rent are women. If a married couple come to settle in the town, somehow the gentleman disappears; he is either fairly frightened to death by being the only man in the Cranford parties, or he is accounted for by being with his regiment, his hip, or closely engaged in business all the week in the great neighbouring commercial town of Drumble, distant only twenty miles on a railroad. In short, whatever does become of the gentlemen, they are not at Cranford.

Elizabeth Gaskell

Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.

Carroll Bryant

People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

Louis-Ferdinand Céline

When people keep telling you that you can’t do a thing, you kind of like to try it.

Margaret Chase Smith

Twolegs are mousebrain

Erin Hunter

I wish I was friends with things," he said at last, "but I'm not. I never had anything to be friends with, and I can't bear people.

Frances Hodgson Burnett

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing sweeter than seeing a friend is that friend canceling on me.

Maria Semple

Jesper: “If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”Kaz: “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”Matthias: “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.

Leigh Bardugo

Um, thanks,” Jackson told her. “And your name is…?”“I’m Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf,” she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached.“Van Der Graaf?” Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn’t want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but… Van Der Graaf?“What are you laughing at?” Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. “I like my name. If you’re going to be a jerk, then I won’t help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care.”“…Harsh,” said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something ‘off’ about her, something that Jackson couldn’t quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. “Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?” He couldn’t resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. “Who else lives here?” he urged.“Me, myself and I,” said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression

Rebecca McNutt

That weekend my people brought home a big eared gray scrawny kit.He was so loud and annoying that I did not like him one bit.

Melinda K. Trotter

How're you holding up?" He slid down the wall next to me and handed me a beer."I've had better days." I took a long, satisfying drink and stared at the wall in front of me."Yeah," was his simple reply. "My dad is downstairs. He said this wake sucks." I could hear that he was smiling.I took another swig. "Well, I didn't plan this shindig, but the next funeral I host, I'll make sure it's a rager.

J.B. Hartnett

My father and he had cemented (the verb is excessive) one of those English friendships which begin by avoiding intimacies and eventually eliminate speech altogether. They used to exchange books and periodicals; they would beat one another at chess, without saying a word.

Jorge Luis Borges

The sea never dries for it has so many friend

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

She got up , walked around the table, and gave him a lingering hug, running her fingers through the back of his hair. She'd been finding more excuses to hug him lately."What was that for?" Dill asked."Because you looked like your heart stepped on a Lego.

Jeff Zentner

One very gratifying compliment I sometimes hear is that women want to be my best friend. This endlessly amuses my actual best friend, Jocelyn, because in her estimation I’m 'a good friend, but not that great.

Mindy Kaling

So,' he says. 'When's the big day? Have you set a date yet?''What?' I startle. 'For what?''For the day you're going to stop being such a dumbass,' he says shooting me a sharp look.'Oh.' I cringe. Kick at the air. 'Yeah, that'll probably never happen.''Yeah, you're probably right.''Shut up.

Tahereh Mafi

Here’s my usual party strategy: find the liquor, find the food, find the space where two walls meet. Alienate enough people around you to have some breathing room. Find the attractive people—this shouldn’t take long; they’ll be the ones getting everything they want in life. Once you’ve found them, stare hungrily at them all evening, and interpret every alarmed flicker of eye contact from them as a new stage in your relationship.

Isaac Oliver

Yet while Owllwin was arrogant, he was also humble enough to admit when he had made a mistake. Perhaps it was his sheer clumsiness that kept him so humble: the first time he spoke to Cricket was in the great dining hall, and he brought down six tables five minutes after.

Ash Gray

You said the d-word,” Owllwin said regretfully. “I didn’t think you would, or I woulda warned ya.”“ . . . the d-word?” Cricket repeated in confusion.“Yeah . . .” Owllwin paused as if he was glancing around, then he whispered through the wall, “Dragon.” Cricket blinked. “Why can’t I say that?

Ash Gray

The strangest thing about demons is that they come to love you. As much as they try to murder the very core of you when you first meet, they become your closest companions. I never asked for this devil on my shoulder. But my eyes are burning and I’m not alone. If you see a red gaze at midheaven, look away. It’s exactly as they say: hell is a hungry place.

F.K. Preston

Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a velocity sufficient to powerwash a small bus. Any joke that falls short of that standard will make you lose respect in the eyes of everyone except your best friends, who, as you know, lost respect for you long ago.

Scott Adams

…reality is the make-believe of the majority that can only thrive in conformity.

Janvier Chouteu-Chando

What exactly does a friend do?

Kiersten White

A good friend would offer you an umbrella in the rain. A best friend would steal yours and say, 'run, b*tch, run!

Unknown Author

A friend: What book haven't you read yet?Me: I'm not sure. I have read the Percy Jackson series or Mortal Instrument series in a whil--Friend: I mean, like, a book you haven't read at all.Me: Oh. I'm not sure then, let me get back to you after I finish this six-book series.

#myself

She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek's bank, her posture still demanding 'no trespassing' but no longer 'trespassers will be shot.

Kristen Heitzmann

In a word, in adversity she was the best of comforters, in good fortune the most troublesome of friends...

William Makepeace Thackeray

See" Kayla links her arm through mine, leaving Blake to jostle and race the other guys. "I tell them I can handle my own stuff, but it's like a mark of pride or something. I'm surprised Blake doesn't just hoist me over his shoulder and try to carry me, too!"I laugh, starting to relax. "Is it bad I can actually picture that?

Abby McDonald

Genevieve hunched her shoulders against the storm of sound and fury and struggled to imagine a worse sort of hell. Widdershins, of course, seemed perfectly happy, but Widdershins was weird.

Ari Marmell

The bonds of friendship dwindle with age, Oliver. But a little blackmail lasts forever.

Stephen Hunt

My Zora senses are tingling," I said.Nathan looked at me blankly."Right, you don't know anything about Spiderman," I remembered."Spider who?" he asked.

Markelle Grabo

You'll be bereft without me.

J. Lynn

It's my new best friend, Claudius Templesmith, and as I expected it, he's inviting us to a feast.

Suzanne Collins

They got a manure machine in there,” Keller said. He went up to the barn and peeked through a hole between tow boards. “On wheels. It’s fun to ride sometimes, when you don’t care how you smell.

Sandra Neil Wallace

How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

A.A. Milne

Where are you from? New York?""Weird you picked up on that," she said, "I've been gone from there for so long."Like a couple of decades could dilute that accent.

Cathie Beck

He still wasn't looking at me, which meant I was still in trouble. I swear, sometimes this partnership is like being married. We fight all the time and neither one of us is getting married.

John G. Hartness

It's one thing to have a divinely inspired love given to you to experience and share; it's something else altogether to recognize it when it appears. Our job is to go on being humbled and grateful that we should get to experience such a thing in our lifetimes, and preserve its magic by doing the most responsible thing possible to keep it alive . . . Just keep saying yes.

Mark Fiore

We must stop eating!' cried Toad as he ate another.

Arnold Lobel

Not my finest hour," he says, shaking his head."You realize you did it for no reason," I say. I tell him about talking to my dad and explain that I was crying because of that."That information would have been useful BEFORE I shoved him in the pool.

Heather Hepler

You told me men don’t do this.”“Do what?”She walked around the counter, speaking animatedly. “Two years ago. We were at Firelight, having drinks. Cade and I had split up and you said that men don’t mope around after a breakup. You said that men avoid issues, get drunk, and pick up a new girl to forget the old one—but that you don’t brood.”Ford held out his hands in disbelief. “How do you remember that? And I’m not brooding.”She folded her arms across her chest and looked at him.“I know you’re my friend,” he said. “But please, for once, can you just act like you have a penis?Because I don’t want to talk about this.”She shrugged. “Fine. We’ll just sit here and listen to music.” She reached for his phone again.“Have you heard Taylor Swift’s new song?”“No.”“Well, you’re going to—on endless repeat until you start talking.

Julie James

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

Harry Truman

When I was little, my dad used to tell me, "Will, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.

John Green

Despite all that education and experience can do, I retain a certain level of unsophistication that I cannot eradicate and that my friends find amusing. In fact, I think I sometimes detect conspiratorial plottings among my friends to protect me against my own lack of sophistication. I don't mind. I suspect that I am never quite as unsophisticated as they think I am, but I don't mind.

Isaac Asimov

He slouches,' DeeDee contributes.'True--he needs to work on his posture,' Thelma says.'You guys,' I say.'I'm serious,' Thelma says. 'What if you get married? Don't you want to go to fancy dinners with him and be proud?''You guys. We are not getting married!''I love his eyes,' Jolene says. 'If your kids get his blue eyes and your dark hair--wouldn't that be fabulous?''The thing is,' Thelma says, 'and yes, I know, this is the tricky part--but I'm thinking Bliss has to actually talk to him. Am I right? Before they have their brood of brown-haired, blue-eyed children?'I swat her. "I'm not having Mitchell's children!''I'm sorry--what?' Thelma says.Jolene is shaking her head and pressing back laughter. Her expressing says, Shhh, you crazy girl!But I don't care. If they're going to embarrass me, then I'll embarrass them right back. 'I said'--I raise my voice--'I am not having Mitchell Truman's children!'Jolene turns beet red, and she and DeeDee dissolve into mad giggles.'Um, Bliss?' Thelma says. Her gaze travels upward to someone behind me. The way she sucks on her lip makes me nervous.'Okaaay, I think maybe I won't turn around,' I announce.A person of the male persuasion clears his throat.'Definitely not turning around,' I say. My cheeks are burning. It's freaky and alarming how much heat is radiating from one little me.'If you change your mind, we might be able to work something out,' the person of the male persuasion says.'About the children?' DeeDee asks. 'Or the turning around?''DeeDee!' Jolene says.'Both,' says the male-persuasion person.I shrink in my chair, but I raise my hand over my head and wave.'Um, hi,' I say to the person behind me whom I'm still not looking at. 'I'm Bliss.'Warm fingers clasp my own.'Pleased to meet you,' says the male-persuasion person. 'I'm Mitchell.''Hi, Mitchell.' I try to pull my hand from his grasp, but he won't let go. 'Um, bye now!'I tug harder. No luck. Thelma, DeeDee, and Jolene are close to peeing their pants.Fine. I twist around and give Mitchell the quickest of glances. His expressions is amused, and I grow even hotter.He squeezes my hand, then lets go. 'Just keep me in the loop if you do decide to bear my children. I'm happy to help out.' With that, he stride jauntily to the food line.Once he's gone, we lost it. Peals of laughter resound from our table, and the others in the cafeteria look at us funny. We laugh harder.'Did you see!' Thelma gasps. 'Did you see how proud he was?''You improve his posture!' Jolene says.'I'm so glad, since that was my deepest desire,' I say. 'Oh my God, I'm going to have to quit school and become a nun.''I can't believe you waved at him,' DeeDee says.'Your hand was like a little periscope,' Jolene says. 'Or, no--like a white surrender flag.''It was a surrender flag. I was surrendering myself to abject humiliation.''Oh, please,' Thelma says, pulling me into a sideways hug. 'Think of it this way: Now you've officially talked to him.

Lauren Myracle

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Humor Quotes - Page 134

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