Humor Quotes - Page 125

Magdalena pulls me away by the arm. “I am the stronger one of Titus and I,” she says over the marketplace din. “Woman are always the stronger sex.” She smiles to herself. “The trick is not appearing to be so.

Lynn Cullen

So I'm back again to the eternal question, the one that has plagued me all my life: How Do Other People Do It? How come they were given life's rule book and I missed out? Where was I when God was dispensing capability and cop on? Looking at shoes, probably.

Marian Keyes

Goddammit! How does the world keep spinning with women on the planet?"Ian St. John in THE POMPEII SCROLL

Jacqueline LaTourrette

It comes down to this. Some one must wash the dishes. Now, would you expect man, man made in the image of God, to roll up his sleeves and wash the dishes? Why, it would be blasphemy. I know that I am but a rib and so I wash the dishes.

Marie Jenney Howe

Gradually my whole concept of time changed until I thought of a month as having twenty-five days of humanness and five others when I might just as well have been an animal in a steel trap.

Florence King

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

Marcel Achard

A woman must wait for her ovaries to die before she can get her rightful personality back. Post-menstrual is the same as pre-menstrual; I am once again what I was before the age of twelve: a female human being who knows that a month has thirty day, not twenty-five, and who can spend every one of them free of the shackles of that defect of body and mind known as femininity.

Florence King

Mama Ginger came calling, to set the alarm on my biological clock. Oh, and to remind me that there’s no point to me being a woman if I never have children.”“Well, if that’s true, I wasted a hell of a lot of money on panty hose and lipstick.” Jettie snorted.

Molly Harper

...there is a celebrated aphorism insisting that the best way to live is to 'work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, and love like you've never been hurt.'...After years of hearing and reading these lines I have decided to tell the truth: the original version is wrong. There is a grave error in the wording of this adage. The correct version should go as follows:Love like you don't need the money,Work like nobody is watching,Dance like you've never been hurt.See? Doesn't that make more sense?

Gina Barreca

Everybody must be managed. Queens must be managed. Kings must be managed, for men want managing almost as much as women, and that's saying a good deal.

Thomas Hardy

...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny... Do you have anything to say to that?'Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.I don't say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.

Tina Fey

If women were as good as men they'd be a lot better!

Terry Pratchett

There's a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don't look the way they used to, and it's not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It's because of hair dye. In the 1950's only 7 percent of American women dyed their hair; today there are parts of Manhattan and Los Angeles where there are no gray-haired women at all.

Nora Ephron

Cheap jewelry, however, is worse than no jewelry at all, and there are very few things in life than are worse than no jewelry at all.

Jill Conner Browne

And I was fairly certain that my strong-enough-for-King-Kong-but-made-for-a-woman deodorant had utterly failed. --Doom with a View

Victoria Laurie

It's only through sheer force and luck that she's yet to take over the world.

Julia Quinn

Gruff,” I said, “I find myself largely clueless about why mortal women do what they do. It will take a wiser man than me to understand what’s in a fae woman’s mind.

Jim Butcher

Besides, when I look around me at the men, I feel that God never meant us women to be too particular.

Marie Jenney Howe

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Steven Wright

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Chris Rock

Enough about my beauty," Buttercup said. "Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am. I've got a mind, Westley. Talk about that.

William Goldman

Do you have a little white dress? I've had this deep-seated nurse fantasy about you, Murphy.

Jim Butcher

I profess not to know how women’s hearts are wooed and won. To me they have always been matters of riddle and admiration. Some seem to have but one vulnerable point, or door of access; while others have a thousand avenues, and may be captured in a thousand different ways. It is a great triumph of skill to gain the former, but a still greater proof of generalship to maintain possession of the latter, for man must battle for his fortress at every door and window. He who wins a thousand common hearts is therefore entitled to some renown; but he who keeps undisputed sway over the heart of a coquette is indeed a hero.

Washington Irving

You are a wise man, Major, and I will consider your advice with great care—and humility." He finished his tea and rose from the table to go to his room. "But I must ask you, do you really understand what it means to be in love with an unsuitable woman?" "My dear boy," said the Major. "Is there really any other kind?

Helen Simonson

Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don't go all hormonal. Get the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut.

Janet Evanovich

I was seducing shepherdesses when you weren't a twinkle in your great-grandcestor's eyes. I think I know what I'm doing.

Jim Butcher

Over time, I have realized that at 20, you can wear too much makeup and people assume you're a slut. Do it at 40 and they think you're a sea witch.

Melodie Ramone

I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting.

Adam Clayton Powell III

Lucifer will be furious with you for failing, but it's not like he can do anything about it. Women don't always do what you want, even if you're Lord of the Underworld.

Trinity Faegen

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

E.W. Howe

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Phyllis Diller

I do not scruple to employ mendacity and a fictitious appearance of female incompetence when the occasion demands it.

Elizabeth Peters

When exactly did every housewife in America become a whore?

Chuck Klosterman

The woman is the home. That's where she used to be, and that's where she still is. You might ask me, What if a man tries to be part of the home -- will the woman let him? I answer yes. Because the he becomes one of the children.

Marguerite Duras

Sometimes I forget how much I like riding the bike." Most chicks do," I said. "Roar of the engine and so on."Murphy's blue eyes glittered with annoyance and anticipation. "Pig. You really enjoy dropping all women together in the same demographic, don't you?" It's not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. They're basically huge vibrators. With wheels.

Jim Butcher

First rule of cleavage: it's not how low you go, but where and when you show.

Elisabeth Dale

Women are constantly trying to commit suicide for love, but generally they take care not to succeed.

W Somerset Maugham

Is it time for your period, or somet

Linda Howard

I don't have any special talents, just an ordinary desire to live like a human being.

Mikhail Bulgakov

It is in the midst of laughter that our perspective alters and we realize this trying life can still be enjoyed.

Richelle E. Goodrich

Humor is a tool to ease the harsh realities of life.

Ken Poirot

There used to be a canny politician in the Hyde Park area in Chicago in which I at one time lived for several years. His slogan was "I am for harmony if I have to use an axe." As "Secretary of Charm," if and when my merits and ambitions are recognized by my appointment to that office, I will take a page out of old "Doc" Jamieson's book. My motto will be "I will have charm, even if I have to use a club.

Beatrice Fairfax

There was no whimsical ‘sip of wine at Thanksgiving’ for us kids while we were still teenagers. This was the Clinton era, and my parents were already worried about the moral deterioration of the country.

Mindy Kaling

IT (The country) IS HEADED TOWARD OVERSIMPLIFICATION. YOU WANT TO SEE A PRESIDENT OF THE FUTURE? TURN ON ANY TELEVISION ON ANY SUNDAY MORNING - FIND ONE OF THOSE HOLY ROLLERS: THAT'S HIM, THAT'S THE NEW MISTER PRESIDENT! AND DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE FUTURE OF ALL THOSE KIDS WHO ARE GOING TO FALL IN THE CRACKS OF THIS GREAT, BIG, SLOPPY SOCIETY OF OURS? I JUST MET HIM; HE'S A TALL, SKINNY, FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY NAMED "DICK." HE'S PRETTY SCARY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM IS NOT UNLIKE WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE TV EVANGELIST - OUR FUTURE PRESIDENT. WHAT'S WRONG WITH BOTH OF THEM IS THAT THEY'RE SO SURE THEY'RE RIGHT! THAT'S PRETTY SCARY - THE FUTURE, I THINK, IS PRETTY SCARY.

John Irving

Word of the day- kakistocracy. From the Greek meaning government by the worst persons, least qualified or most unprincipled.

Peggy Noonan

Most politicians lie for the same reason a monkey swings by his tail, which is to say because he can.

Stephen King

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

George Carlin

Hillary has the brains of someone who was born yesterday and the body of someone who died last week.

Donald Trump's Hair

I do know a few things, actually. I know you have rather backwards laws about relations with non-magic people. That you're not mean to befriend them, that you can't marry them, which seems mildly absurd to me.

J.K. Rowling

Far too many Americans formulate their own personal expert opinions based on the Golden Rule and the Eight-second Soundbyte.

Chris Penningroth

The commandment was to ‘Love thy neighbor,’ not ‘Love thy government.

Chris Penningroth

The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything—dead meat, living meat, old bones—

John Updike

Not long ago Congress voted, with much patriotic rhetoric, for the imposition of severe penalties upon anyone presuming to burn the flag of the United States. Yet the very Congressmen who passed this law are responsible, by acts of commission or omission, for burning, polluting, and plundering the territory that the flag is supposed to represent. Therein, they exemplified the peculiar andperhaps fatal fallacy of civilization: the confusion of symbol with reality.

Alan W. Watts

Help yourself with the state! It's on democracy!

Ljupka Cvetanova

The moment you vote, you are a citizen. But moment you make your vote public, you are a politician.

Ben Tolosa

There is never a moment where I find Trump persuasive. When I look at him I see a man without any inner life. I see the most superficial person on Earth. This is a guy who has been totally hollowed out by greed and self regard and delusion. The way he talks about himself; if I caught some sort of brain virus and I started talking about myself the way Trump talks about himself, I would throw myself out a fucking window. That barely overstates it. Do you remember that scene at the end of the in The Exorcist where the priest is driving out the devil from Linda Blair and the devil comes into him and he just hurls himself out the window to end all the madness? Well, it would be like that. - Sam Harris

Sam Harris

You did a politics project on a government that got overthrown on the due date? Man, did anybody ever tell you you've got no luck?""I suspected it," said Raymond ironically.

Gordon Korman

Whatever else the Florida primary might or might not have proved, it put a definite kink in the Media Theory of politics. It may be true, despite what happened to Lindsay and Muskie in Florida, that all you have to do to be President of the U.S.A. is look “attractive” on TV and have enough money to hire a Media Wizard. Only a fool or a linthead would argue with the logic at the root of the theory: If you want to sell yourself to a nation of TV addicts, you obviously can’t ignore the medium… but the Florida vote at least served to remind a lot of people that the medium is only a tool, not a magic eye. In other words, if you want to be President of the U.S.A. and you’re certified “attractive,” the only other thing you have to worry about when you lay out all that money for a Media Wizard is whether or not you’re hiring a good one instead of a bungler… and definitely lay off the Reds when you go to the studio.

Hunter S. Thompson

It will be like having an extreme close-up in high definition to examine each freckle, while failing to notice whether the person is even wearing pants.

Mike Huckabee

In countries where all the crooked politicians wear pin-striped suits, the best people are bare-assed.

Paul Theroux

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Humor Quotes - Page 125

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