Humor Quotes - Page 115

He had taken the precaution of closing the inside shutters of the only window, and his staff, though it leaned lightly on the door, was capable of keeping out anyone who did not want to smash his way in with an ax.

John Bellairs

The Contract had an air of esoteric mysticism when it covered topics related to the universe’s deepest secrets, yet it was gratuitously specific regarding the wrath of Thotash and the penalty for default. Huge swaths of the unholy text were dedicated to the terrors and woes that would fall upon those who failed to meet the Terms, including pestilences of the skin, debilitating afflictions of vital organs, nameless horrors from forgotten dimensions, and the “rain of teeth,” though whose teeth was uncertain. Article VIII, section 3, subsection B was particularly unsettling, assuming one had sufficient familiarity with anatomy to grasp it fully

J. Zachary Pike

Farther down the riverbank sat a young man dressed all in white. He was the only person in sight. His hair was white, his skin chalk pale, and he sat and stared up and down the river, as if he were admiring the view. He looked like how Victorian Romantic poets looked just before the consumption and drug abuse really started to cut it." --Good Omens pg.191-192

Terry Pratchett

Just think of it as a picnic with guns and monsters instead of mosquitoes and ants. Do we have fun or what?

Laurence Yep

Only in Xanth would parents see a dragon looming over their children and depart with confidence.

Piers Anthony

I would offer congratulations were it not for this tentacle gripping my leg.

Jack Vance

I have no way to describe this, and I am positive that this is all just a horrible dream I have yet to wake up from. The vice principle is insane. My own uncle is insane. Those stupid kids are insane. Mother Nature is insane...

J. Copeland

I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf."You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt you will wish to search further for this Vesh, rather than impose your presence upon a man called hence by urgent affairs."The dwarf transferred his grip from Filidor's mantle to his arm. His gaze swept quickly over the young man's features. "This belief is supported by the evidence, since you answer to a point the description furnished me.""You are plainly the dupe of some prankster, who abuses the dignity of your years by sending you on a fool's errand," said Filidor. "Were I you, I would seek out the rascal and thrash him.

Matthew Hughes

One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another's bones in one's vexation.

Jack Vance

(Uncle) would remark that it was impossible to get by without such a (portentous and whimsical) tone when speaking of many things of this world, and especially of the things not entirely of this world.

Vladimir Odoyevsky

We've got an unbeatable team."- Sauron

Robert Lynn Asprin

What are you about?" said the vehicle as a panel popped open to reveal delicate components. "I am not accustomed to such usage."The little man said nothing, but began to rearrange connections and sever some linkages within the autocab's mechanism. The vehicle lurched and then spiraled down to a meadow bordered by trees."I will be compelled to summon assist-" said the car, then broke off as Gaskarth made a final adjustment. The autocab dropped the remaining few inches to the grass, and the dwarf twisted the emergency release handle to open the doors. Filidor followed him out of the autocab."Who am I?" inquired the car. "Have I a function?""Perhaps you are a type of bird," said Gaskarth. "If so, it is your function to fly."The autocab digested this information briefly, then lifted slightly. "Experimentation tends to support the hypothesis," it said, and flew in widening circles out of their ken.

Matthew Hughes

What I knew for sure was that he had a quick temper, a cocky attitude, and a southern accent... Apparently he also has a pet cougar.

Stacy Mantle

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. "Run, Harry!" she said. "Boys shouldn't have to be in danger.

Eliezer Yudkowsky

But it is cute. It's such a boy thing to do.Drop dead.Aw, you say the most romantic things.

Eliezer Yudkowsky

A female dragon’s tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term ‘Getting some tail’ came from?

Sully Tarnish

When I look at my bookcase and see the books upon the shelves, I think to myself, There is a God.

Sully Tarnish

I tapped around on my new Miracle Phone—a gift from Joseph—as I listened to the discussion about our next move. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I’d recently become addicted to this one game on my Miracle Phone. Really, I was listening. I could multitask like no other. Trust me, there’s an app for that.

Laura Kreitzer

Jules lips quivered, and I feared she was about to cry. Then she asked, “He bit off more than he could chew, didn’t he?” She made a motion as if she was biting into a tough piece of steak.Gabriella’s lips sealed shut as she tried to hide her grin, though she failed at it when Andrew asked, “Was he eating?” He turned desperately to Gabriella, confused.Jules wasn’t about to cry, she was trying not to laugh! She giggled then, the sound tinkling and odd in the outlandish setting.Andrew straightened and shook his head at Gabriella. “Did you see him eat?

Laura Kreitzer

Joseph, you’re out of clean towels.” Lucia poked her head into the living room, the rest of her hidden behind the wall. Her red hair dripped water onto my wooden floors.“She’s in the buff.” Jenna guffawed. Gabriella rolled her eyes, beaming.I rose. “Go back to the bathroom. I’ll bring you a towel,” I ordered Lucia. She disappeared down the hall.“You have naked angels running around your house,” Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder.

Laura Kreitzer

Well, the only reason we’re friends is because you can rock a tweed suit,” she informed, tone mock serious. “So if you want to keep me around, I expect more tweed.

Laura Kreitzer

Shut the front door!” Jenna exclaimed.Andrew disappeared into the foyer, and when he returned, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. “The door is shut?

Laura Kreitzer

Awe! Leaving so soon?” Gabby said sweetly, holding the door open. “I was just about to pull out the gun for you to play single-player Russian Roulette.

Laura Kreitzer

I had this guy’s file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado.”Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction.“Did you say Desperado?” I couldn’t stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. “Yeah,” the Director confirmed. “He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin.”I was still laughing. “’Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin.

Laura Kreitzer

When a Dragon, an Elf, and a Human walk into a bar, the Human is always going to be the punch line.

Bryan Fields

So what did you do, drug me, stuff me in the trunk, then dump me like a sacrificial offering into that vampire’s coffin? - Shella

Krista Alasti

An uncomfortable marriage can not bear the strain of the death of a beloved donkey.

Merrie Haskell

You need to have faith and trust, Moira.""And a little bit of pixie dust?

Allison Brennan

Help me out,” I pleaded. “You’ve left me alone to deal with this situation, and now we’re being dealt the consequences.”I swore I heard Tom growl. I actually pulled the phone from my ear to stare at it to make sure it hadn’t turned into a tiny lion.

Laura Kreitzer

How ya doing?” Gabby’s face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She’d stopped doing her healing thing, and the pain rushed in.“I’m just peachy,” I quipped, throat scratchy. “Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I’m being honest.

Laura Kreitzer

Alright. You hate me, I'm not too fond of you. It's mutual..." he muttered, walking hesitantly toward the stallion, hand outstretched, "I know you want to bite my hand off, but I swear I have no carrots, so you have no excuse. You want to throw me when I get on you...but if you even try, I will stab you.

Shanda Sharlow

Toads are to dragons what carrots are to unicorns.

Ness Kingsley

It felt like he’d been dragged through the nine circles of hell — by his testicles.

Kay Berrisford

I didn’t ask for your help,” I muttered, too exhausted to properly argue. “So fuck you.”An alarm bell went off in my head and I bit back a sigh. I swore I sensed the mischievous grin that inevitably crossed his lips.“I already did you.”It was going to be a long drive.

Natasha McNeely

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Terry Pratchett

Maxine,” Grant said, but I barely heard him. I was lost in that vision, in those emotions—the pain, and hunger for pain, forming the root of so muchagonized rage.“ ‘Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate,’” I muttered.“Yoda, from Star Wars?”“ ‘Hate leads to suffering.’” I met his gaze. “Yoda knows his shit, man.”Grant’s mouth crooked in a gentle smile.

Marjorie M. Liu

Never practice magic when you're drunk.

Assaph Mehr

One’s options in this world are as vast as the horizon, which is technically a circle and thus infinitely broad. Yet we must choose each step we take with utmost caution, for the footprints we leave behind are as important as the path we will follow. They’re part of the same journey — our story.

Lori R. Lopez

The flowers like me back.

John H. Carroll

Regweld is really a fine wizard," he continued, patting the shoulder again. "And his ideas for crossbreeding a horse and a frog are not without merit; never mind the explosion! Alchemy shops can be replaced!

R.A. Salvatore

Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn't get to live it very often.

Roderick Townley

Struck by lightning! Struck by lightning!

J.R.R. Tolkien

There wasn't a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, "May your day be full of angry dragons" or, "May every dragon you meet today be pissed off." But, there should have been.

Michelle Sagara West

It’s okay. I’m—”“Fine?” Joseph chimed in. “Obviously not. You need to be checked out by a doctor.” “I am a doctor.” I rolled my eyes at him, but that didn’t deter him from his train of thought. “Not that kind of doctor.”“What is ‘that kind of doctor’ going to say when they see my shimmering pink blood, Joseph?” I changed my voice to mimic one of a concerned doctor. “I’m sorry ma’am, you appear to be suffering from a mild case of Pretty Pretty Princess syndrome. Have you ingested any magical woodland faeries recently?

Laura Kreitzer

None could guess my confusion, my host of deluded illusions and elusive delusions! A mantle of marble hiding a crumbling core of sandstone. See how they stare at me, wondering, all wondering, at my secret wellspring of wisdom...' Let's kill him,' Crokus muttered, 'if only to put him out of our misery.

Steven Erikson

I understand the gist of your speculation,' said Rhialto. 'It is most likely nuncupatory.

Jack Vance

Small Man can be a very funny or a very tiresome Tour Companion, depending on how this kind of thing grabs you. He gambles, he drinks too much and he always runs away. Since the Rules allow him to make Jokes, he will excuse his behaviour in a variety of comical ways. Physically he is stunted and not at all handsome, although he usually dresses flamboyantly. He tends to wear hats with feathers in. You will discover he is very vain. But, if you can avoid smacking him, you will come to tolerate if not love him. He will contrive, in some cowardly way, to play a major part in saving the world.

Diana Wynne Jones

Oh, what a lovely owl!" Cried the Wart.But when he went up to it and held out his hand, the owl grew half as tall again, stood up as stiff as a poker, closed its eyes so that there was only the smallest slit to peep through - as you are in the habit of doing when told to shut your eyes at hide-and-seek - and said in a doubtful voice"There is no owl."Then it shut its eyes entirely and looked the other way."It is only a boy," said Merlyn."There is no boy," said the owl hopefully, without turning round.

T.H. White

Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped as a child. Or both. Somehow this inspired her to become a mercenary and she is very good at her job. You can rely on her absolutely in a fight. She can usually kill two people at once while guarding your back in between. The rest of the time, she will irritate you with lots of punctilious weapons cleaning and a perpetual insistence that a proper watch be kept. Mostly, she will have no magic talents, but sometimes, in an emergency, she will come up with a gift or vision. You will end up grudgingly admiring her.

Diana Wynne Jones

Well, come back and have tea with us," saidMoon-Face. "Silky's got some Pop Biscuits -andI've made some Google Buns. I don't often makethem-and I tell you they're a treat!

Enid Blyton

If the president and the Vice President dies who becomes President" "Thats easy Arnold Swartzanager

Dan Gutman

Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath changed in the w

Michael J. Sullivan

You can’t has,' he whispered softly, 'not yours.

Wil Wheaton

And that's what I don't like about magic, Captain. 'cos it's *magic*. You can't ask questions, it's magic. It doesn't explain anything, it's magic. You don't know where it comes from, it's magic! That's what I don't like about magic, it does everything by magic!

Terry Pratchett

Slender Youth. A tour companion who may be either a lost prince or a girl/princess in disguise. In the latter case it is tactful to pretend you think she is a boy. She/he will be ignorant, hasty and shy, and will need hauling out of trouble quite a lot. But she/he will grow up in the course of the Tour. In fact she/he will be the only Companion who will change in any way. Quite often, she/he will soon exhibit a very useful talent for magic and end up by hauling everyone else out of trouble. But this will not be until midway through your second brochure.

Diana Wynne Jones

My father always said that government is like watching another man piss in your boot. Someone feels better but it certainly isn't you.

Orson Scott Card

I'll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, 'The soul selects her own society.' I used to tell it to everybody. Once I quoted it to a friend of mine, and he said, 'Maybe, but the body gets thrown into bed with the goddamnedest people.

Peter S Beagle

Hey!" I turned, crossing my arms and glaring. "I was talking to him!"Tybalt eyed me with amusement, which just made me glare harder. "No, you were inciting him to stab you with a toothpick. Again, the difference is small, but I think it matters.

Seanan McGuire

Cery: So, Hem, tell me why I shouldn't see how many holes I need to make before you start leaking money?

Trudi Canavan

Sarcasm, as it turned out--even when it was instinctive and quick--cut into the time one had to manufacture one's escape.

Mel Odom

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Humor Quotes - Page 115

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