Humor Quotes - Page 114

Who wanted to make lemonade from lemons, when you could make perfectly good lemonade grenades?

Melissa de la Cruz

Bethany had liked Miles because he made her laugh. He makes me laugh, too. Miles figured that digging up Bethany's grave, even that would've made her laugh. Bethany had had a great laugh, which went up and up, like a clarinetist on an escalator. It wasn't annoying. It had been delightful, if you liked that kind of laugh. It would have made Bethany laugh that Miles Googled “grave digging” in order to educate himself. He read an Edgar Allan Poe story. He watched several relevant episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and he bought Vicks®VapoRub™, which you were supposed to apply under your nose.

Instead she looked very hard at the woman's chin. On it was a single white hair - visible even in the heavy dusk - that closely resembled a piece of thread hanging off a scrap of fabric. The woman forgot about Rusty for a moment. "I call her Hephzibah," she said with pride. "It's taken years for her to grow.

Your name isn't Sniffles?" Ewan pretended to be surprised.

It’s like a jolt of electricity, but worse.

Dude, it's mind control. That's got to be the best superpower ever!

I heard our kid here is quite the scrapper.

If upper management found out, they’d send you off to the Probing Department.

Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.

I hope so,” grumbled Ian. “I’m going to look for another one of ‘em winged dogs for Mabel.

If the future historians were to digitally unearth our generation, they would decipher the facial expressions on the "Selfie's" as the generation of people suffering from wide spread constipation!

Robert explained how much simpler it was to pay money for things than to exchange them as the people were doing in the market. Later on the soldier gave the coins to his captain, who, later still, showed them to Pharaoh, who of course kept them and was much struck with the idea. That was really how coins first came to be used in Egypt. You will not believe this, I daresay, but really, if you believe the rest of the story, I don't see why you shouldn't believe this as well.

E Nesbit

Necessity is the mother of invention, which probably explains why invention’s father left home on the pretext of buying a newspaper and hasn’t been heard of since.

Tom Holt

That's one huge puppy.

The key to having good scales is a healthy diet of venison when you’re just a wee dragon lad.

Noontime was absolutely the perfect time for a duel in the dragon’s opinion as this was also lunchtime, his favorite part of the day. As the saying went, he could kill two birds with one stone.

How does one have a duel with a dragon? Well, since they live high up in the mountains, and getting all the way up there can be quite a nuisance indeed, one just has to ring the guest bell the dragons rather politely placed at the bottom many years ago when very incensed farmers kept appearing with complaints about their dwindling livestock. Dragons jokingly refer to it as “their dinner bell.

Thinking sure could get a fellow in a lot of trouble. Almost as much as opening his big gabber and sticking his muddy foot in it.

Gillian Bronte Adams

The sound of the gunshot in that narrow tunnel was like being inside a thunderbolt. I held my eyes closed, my fingers still clinging to the barrel."Ow!" the Mad Hatter shouted a distance ahead. "That thing is loud!"I opened my eyes. Nine of Spades lay in front of me. He didn't move."Heh. You've got quite a roar, little lion. I've never seen a lion's roar do that, but I've never seen an elephant fit in a tin can either.

DAVID D HAMMONS

Yes,” Curran said. “We’d like you to officiate.”“I’m sorry?”“We’d like you to marry us,” I said.Roman’s eyes went wide. He pointed to himself. “Me?”“Yes,” Curran said.“Marry you?”“Yes.”“You do know what I do, right?”“Yes,” I said. “You’re Chernobog’s priest.

I heard a story," Aedion drawled to Rowan, "that you killed an enemy warlord using a table." "Please,"Aelin said. "Who the hell told you that?""Quinn-your uncle's Captain of the Guard. He was an admirer of Prince Rowan's. He knew all the stories."Aelin slid her eyes to Rowan, who smirked, bracing his sparring stick on the floor. "You can't be serious," she said. "What-you squashed him to death like a pressed grape?

Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals.

Fafhrd stopped, again wiped right hand on robe, and held it out. "Name's Fafhrd. Ef ay ef aitch ar dee."Again the Mouser shook it. "Gray Mouser," he said a touch defiantly, as if challenging anyone to laugh at the sobriquet. "Excuse me, but how exactly do you pronounce that? Faf-hrud?""Just Faf-erd.

You've never had wok-seared spicy broccoli until you've had takeout trans-temporal wok-seared spicy broccoli delivered by a copy of yourself.

Magnus Von Black

Space: the gaping hole between land and other land.

Hindsight isn’t a super power.

When Geoffrey was away, the goat often took himself off. He had soon got the goats at Granny’s cottage doing his bidding, and Nanny Ogg said once that she had seen what she called ‘that devil goat’ sitting in the middle of a circle of feral goats up in the hills. She named him ‘The Mince of Darkness’ because of his small and twinkling hooves, and added, ‘Not that I don’t like him, stinky as he is. I’ve always been one for the horns, as you might say. Goats is clever. Sheep ain’t. No offence, my dear.

Terry Pratchett

Blood Life is not hunger. It’s freedom

Rosemary A. Johns

Then Tak looked upon the stone and it was trying to come alive, and Tak smiled, and wrote All things strive.And for the service the stone had given, he fashioned it into the first Troll, and delighted in the life that came unbidden.

Terry Pratchett

You know those vampire myths? Bollocks to them.

Rosemary A. Johns

Fireball doesn’t need a search warrant.

I will never understand why you Humans weren’t designed to recycle your body’s water after filtering waste. It’s just so much more efficient.

Death drives desire.

Rosemary A. Johns

Get off me!" Badger tried to roll away, but Azrael held his palms over the baker's eyes again and more white light poured out. "You're blinding me! Stop!""No," said Azrael."Please!""I can't hear you over the sound of my total indifference.

It was a Guild of Assassins, after all. Black was what you wore. The night was black and so were you. And black had such style, and an Assassin without style, everyone agreed, was just a highly paid arrogant thug.

Terry Pratchett

A wolf is clever-clever-clever, and they are as faithful as a debt unpaid.

So far I had the god of evil and the god of terror on my side. My good-guy image was taking a serious beating. Maybe I should recruit some unicorns or kittens with rainbow powers to even us out.

Big changes could come quickly, and he wondered what else might happen to his heart while he wasn't paying attention.

That which does not kill you ... probably isn't close enough, so just start running.

Matthew D. Ryan

Someday my prince will come,” she lamented softly, “too fast.

Melinda DuChamp

I… I can’t. I wish I were a little bolder.”“What for?” the Hatter asked. “Being a small rock wouldn’t be much fun.

Melinda DuChamp

Squeezing her eyes shut, hating every moment, the put a single finger in and moved it around.“There’s nothing,” she lamented.“Go deeper.”Alice did.“Deeper.”“There’s nothing,” she yelled, pulling out her hand in anger and humiliation.“Of course there is nothing,” the Hatter said. “Who ever heard of such a ridiculous thing?”“So why did you make me do it?” Alice demanded.“Because it was really hot,” he answered.

Melinda DuChamp

This book is a work of fiction.Actually, it is a work of fiction within a fiction, as the main characters, though real persons in a fictional world, are being depicted in a book which other fictional characters in the same world are reading. Any reference to historical events-- rather, historical events non-Marridonian, and also non-Sesternese-- real people—rather, people in our realm, not the persons I was referring to in the previous line-- or real places—places that are not Marridon, Sesterna, and any place on the Two Continents-- are used fictitiously, because this is a work of fiction, and is a fiction within a fiction, as was previously stated. All names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination—referring to the ultimate author, not the fictitious author who has written the book within the book-- and any resemblance to actual events, locales, persons, living, dead, or otherwise, is entirely coincidental, but any resemblance to actual persons or places in the Two Continents is intentional. Absolutely no parts of this book, text or art, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, whether electronically or mechanically, including photocopying—“By Myrellenos, are we here in the disclaimer again? This is the third time, I believe. And there are still no cups out. Where is the teapot?”“Here, boss.”“Oh, there is tea in this story? I might be more inclined to stay and hear this one. The others were dreadful slow. I must have some tea, if I am going to be made to sit and listen to a whole book. I am not Bartleby, who can sit at his desk and flump over his tomes until he moulders.”“He’s gonna hear you, boss.”“I should say not, Rannig. He is too busy with doing the edits. He found a mistake in one of the other books about us and demanded he perform the editing this time around. The author was very good to let him do as he likes. He is missing tea, however.”--audio recording, data retrieval, cloud storage, torrent, or streaming service. If you do decide to ignore this disclaimer and print or share this book illegally, I will have Bartleby come to your house with a sample from the Marridonian legal extracts, and he will read them to you until you promise never to do anything illegal again.

Michelle Franklin

:Do you trust me?: Wareska quietly linked.:To stay alive? No. You and the monster will get lost in riddles and philosophizing. Then you will make some grand, heroic gesture, poorly thought-out and overestimating your own strength, and when the creature has roasted you alive, I will be the one sweeping up the ashes – figuratively speaking, of course. Lest we forget, I do not have hands.:

Ash Gray

Today was “ananthropomorphic day”: once a month, the gods got to take a holiday from humdrum humanoid shapes and look any way they wanted. Since most gods are versatile shape-shifters and/or have god-awful taste in clothing, this meant that temporary blindness or at least a good headache was lurking around every corner. It was meant to boost morale. It usually sank his.

Lucifer had been ranting his endless laundry list of complaints for forty-five minutes now, and Louhi still didn’t know exactly what she was supposed to apologize for. There was something about her plant having eaten his cape while he had been waiting, as for the rest… She wished she could read an immortal’s thoughts, but their brains were constructs, simulations… Which actually explained a lot.

:No,: Wareska said at once, :we should go back.: She heard the horse laugh softly into her mind. :Wareska,: he said in amusement, :it is not like you to ever look back.::I look back when sense dictates.::It is hard for horses to look back. We don’t really have shoulders. I guess we look back over our butt?:

Ash Gray

Yes. The elven magi are very old, but not old enough to remember that all of this has happened before.” Parmida frowned. “Just how old are you?”“I am older than a thousand of your suns,” the unicorn answered.“. . . and that means?

Ash Gray

Is there n-nothing you can do?” Parmida asked, wiping her tears away with the heel of her hand.tThe unicorn laughed softly. “She asks for a boon after shooting me in the ass.

Ash Gray

You must be a rich human,” went on Holonie. “You could have come here with bodyguards, dogs, something. But you came here alone. Very risky. Nearly insane. Completely stupid.”Elbryn laughed his flat, humorless laugh. “Thanks?

Ash Gray

I'm in love with you.""Good grief." She kept walking.

I love Carlos like the weird, half-dead son I never particularly wanted

Daniel José Older

Then perhaps you don’t need it. I think the scar gives you character, even if it does mar those pretty tattoos. Would make for great tavern stories if you didn’t cover it.” tNeferre laughed flatly and stuck her hands in her pockets. “There’s nothing great about getting mugged, Ziro.” tZiro laughed, her deep voice jiggling her second chin. “Oh, aye. But no one said you had to tell the truth now, did they?

Ash Gray

Return me safely to my home,” the princess said, “and I shall reward you with your weight in eggs.”tOlorun snorted derisively. “You’re joking, right?”tThe woman’s eyes flitted in embarrassment. t“Now wait a minute,” said Helianthus. “We’re talkin’ eggs here. What sort of eggs? Ostrich eggs?”tNeferre made an impatient noise. “Hel! She doesn’t have any eggs! Unless they’re hidden in a very . . . delicate place.” Neferre grinned at the princess. “Tell me your eggs are hidden where I think they’re hidden.

Ash Gray

Kimaria smirked and placed her hands behind her back. “Come now. It doesn’t have to come to that. Violence is so beneath us.” “No, it isn’t,” said Helianthus at once.“Well . . . it is beneath me,” the high queen said and touched a hand to her chest. “Unlike you, I am civilized. I wear shoes and I have a last name.” They watched as she eased into a chair. She crossed one leg over the other, folded her arms, and regarded them calmly. “Aren’t you the least bit curious as to how I snatched the famed Nineveh Atvaris from our dark past? You can’t be that boring.

Ash Gray

Verne frowned. “Calm down. Don’t exert yourself in your condition.”tSalen looked at Verne in amazement. “Don’t exert --! My dear woman, we are all about to die! I don’t think it damn well matters if I shit my pants at this point --

Ash Gray

Helianthus snorted. “Olorun is like his mother: he will only change as the face of a rock changes. But . . . I think he missed you.

Ash Gray

Why does everything want to eat children?!”Neferre smiled. “Because you taste like candy. Stinky socks would mask your delicious scent from the aziza. We must get you stinky socks. So they do not eat you.”“That’s not much of a bedtime story! You really haven’t done this before!

Ash Gray

Kumquats?I've had a few.But then again, tofu dementia.

Robert Leland Taylor

When he had brushed a thin coat of dust off the pebbled leather cover of one volume, he saw the words: Register of All Wizards and Warlocks of the South Kingdom and of the North Kingdom from the Beginning of the World to the Present Time.

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