Humor Quotes - Page 103

They were going to expel me. Mom convinced them not to... and got them to apologize," Fern said, almost embarrassed.Really?" Eddie said. "See, Sammy, you don't mess with the Commander, do you?" Eddie playfully hit his younger brother in the stomach with the back of his hand.When the Commander says jump...," Sam started.We say, 'yes ma'am, how high?'" Eddie ended with a forehead salute.

Jennifer Anne Kogler

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Mark Twain

I am the Captain of my own life.

Lexis De Rothschild

He says I'm beautiful as a red tomato

Jeanne DuPrau

I do not know if all cops are poets, but I know that all cops carry guns with triggers.

Ralph Ellison

I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves "Our Lady of the Perpetual Astonishment

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Few humans see fairies or hear their music, but many find fairy rings of dark grass, scattered with toadstools, left by their dancing feet.

Judy Allen

He has the memory of a convict, the balls of a fireman, and the eyesight of a housebreaker. When there is crime to fight, Landsman tears around Sitka like a man with his pant leg caught on a rocket. It's like there's a film score playing behind him, heavy on the castanets. The problem comes in the hours when he isn't working, when his thoughts start blowing out the open window of his brain like pages from the blotter. Sometimes it takes a heavy paperweight to pin them down.

Michael Chabon

Ask any comedian, tennis player, chef. Timing is everything.

Meg Rosoff

No offense, Jaron, but I don't want your life. Even locked away behind closed doors I got a taste for how awful it can be.""Did anyone try to kill you while I was gone?""No.""Then you didn't even get a taste.

Jennifer A. Nielsen

He was having more fun than a barrelful of monkeys.**Several years earlier Spider had actually been tremendously disappointed by a barrelful of monkeys. It had done nothing he had considered particularly entertaining, apart from emit interesting noises, and eventually, once the noises had stopped and the monkeys were no longer doing anything at all—except possibly on an organic level—had needed to be disposed of in the dead of night.

Neil Gaiman

The lights were off so that his heads could avoid looking at each other because neither of them was currently a particular engaging sight, nor had they been since he had made the error of looking into his soul.It had indeed been an error.It had been late one night-- of course.It had been a difficult day-- of course.There had been soulful music playing on the ship's sound system-- of course.And he had, of course, been slightly drunk.In other words, all the usual conditions that bring on a bout of soul searching had applied, but it had, nevertheless, clearly been an error.

Douglas Adams

Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.

Terry Pratchett

The other raised his club and attacked L, who inexpliciably fell over on his back like an overturned frog.

Tsugumi Ohba

L shot Maki a disappointed look. But soon he forgot everything when Misa Amane appeared onstage. Enraptured he began to cheer with the girls in black lace and frilly skirts.

Tsugumi Ohba

As I raced out of the office, I could hear Emily rapid-fire dialing four-digit extensions and all but screaming, 'She's on her way-- tell everyone.' It took me only three seconds to wind through the hallways and pass through the fashion department, but I had already heard panicked cries of 'Emily said she's on her way in' and 'Miranda's coming!' and a particularly blood curdling cry of 'She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Lauren Weisberger

When good Americans die, they go to Paris,' the ghost said, after taking a drag on a small cigarette.But you’re not dead. I suppose the question must be, are you good?

Karen Chance

How did you hear about that?''Are you kidding me? So far, I had that runt Kyle-''I hate him. I hate all vamps. That complete toad, Michael-''-tell me you were pregnant by a vamp-''kidnnaped me and-Kyle said WHAT?''and then a member of the Domi shows up and informs me-''The Domi sent someone HERE?''-that you're actually pregnant by the late king of the Fey.''Late?!' Heidar squeaked.

Karen Chance

Louis-Cesare slowly pulled himself into a half-standing position against the side of the winery.'What? Did you think one little mage was going to do me in?' He swallowed hard. 'Hell, that was just a warm-up.

Karen Chance

I was trying to have an insight, and all I could think of was that I'd backed myself into a corner, and the corner was me.

John Welter

It was only when the giant got halfway down the incline that he suddenly, happily, burst into flame and continued his trip saying, "NO SURVIVORS, NO SURVIVORS!" in a manner that could only indicate deadly sincerity.It was seeing him happily burning and advancing that startled the Brute Squad to screaming. And once that happened, why, everybody panicked and ran...

William Goldman

Annoyed?” said Sophie. “Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me?

Diana Wynne Jones

Fiction wouldn't be much fun without its fair share of scoundrels, and they have to live somewhere.

Jasper Fforde

I have seen many cases like N. during the five years I've been in practice. I sometimes picture these unfortunates as men and women being pecked to death by predatory birds. The birds are invisible - at least until a psychiatrist who is good, or lucky, or both, sprays them with his version of Luminol and shines the right light on them - but they are nevertheless very real. The wonder is that so many OCDs manage to live productive lives, just the same. They work, they eat (often not enough or too much, it's true), they go to movies, they make love to their girlfriends and boyfriends, their wives and husbands . . . and all the time those birds are there, clinging to them and pecking away little bits of flesh.

Stephen King

General fiction is pretty much about ways that people get into problems and screw their lives up. Science fiction is about everything else.

Marvin Minsky

Of course, I’ve told Jesus to suck it, too, which earned me a certain measure of notoriety, because you have to make fun of any religion that would let you have sixteen kids and say it’s God’s will.

Kathy Griffin

She had so many freckles that Erskine wondered if she might have stolen some from other children.

Ned Beauman

I love children. Eating them, that is.

Keith McGowan

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

Sherley Mondesir-Prescott

Stealing is wrong Billy

David Chuka

I can think of another quickie education for a child, which, in its way, is almost as salutary: Meeting a human being who is tremendously respected by the adult world, and realizing that that person is actually a malicious lunatic.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

People who have babies tell me I will know a love that is beyond anything I can imagine, and a joy that is indescribable. Love and joy? That sounds horrifying. I have no way of knowing whether I can handle either of those. I'm much better with need and fear. They are what ground me.

Marc Maron

I wonder if a fish'sOne and only wish isThat other fish will never say,"This fish is sure delicious!

Brian Rock

We call them grunters. They're ghost hunters but grunters is more appropriate because most of them are pigs.

Wendy Milton

For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ...

Elizabeth Peters

My demons creep like a pedo in a park full of kids. Each one reminding me of the consequences, what I didn’t do, or did.

Ken Dereste Dorcely

We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.

Judith Martin

The toddler started making this whine/moan noise while pawing at Tabitha. I know as a woman I'm supposed to have this innate love of babies, but the truth is, they kind of remind me of zombies. They stumble around, arms out, moaning. And if they get a hold of you, they suck the energy out of you.

Cindi Madsen

What do you do,' said Jean, 'with, ah, "ungifted" children when you have them?''Cherish them and raise them, you imbecile. Most of them end up working for us, in Karthain and elsewhere. What did you think we'd do, burn them on a pyre?''Forget I asked

Scott Lynch

It’s said that sport is the civilised society’s substitute for war, and also that the games we play as children are designed to prepare us for the realities of adult life. Certainly it’s true that my brother thrived in the capitalist kindergarten of the Monopoly board, developing a set of ruthless strategies whose success is reflected in his bank balance even to this day. I, on the other hand, can still be undone by the kind of ridiculous sentimentality that would see me sacrifice anything, anything, in order to have the three matching red-headed cards of Fleet Street, Trafalgar Square and The Strand sitting tidily together on my side of the board.

Danielle Wood

Adoption is the most intentional process on Earth.

Jody Cantrell Dyer

I'm Reginald Clark, I'm afraid of the darkSo please do not close this book on me.

Shel Silverstein

You wanted hatchlings.”“I know. I just didn’t want those hatchlings. Personally, I blame your father.”Bercelak’s eyes grew wide. “Excuse me?”On a burst of laughter, she exclaimed, “Well that came out horribly wrong!

G.A. Aiken

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

Erma Bombeck

Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks," chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.

Beverly Cleary

Our fathers were demons,' Catarina said. 'Our mothers were heroes.

Cassandra Clare

Mr. Schlubb, the pear-shaped PE teacher, sent us all out to run half a dozen laps around a preposterously enormous cinder track. For the Greenwood kids—all of us white, marshmallowy, innately unphysical, squinting unfamiliarly in the bright sunshine—it was a shock to the system of an unprecedented order.

Bill Bryson

I hang around kids so people will assume when I act like one it's because I'm babysitting.

Richelle E. Goodrich

Who's Johnnie Walker?""It's a drink. For grown-ups.""Is it nice?""Makes you drunk.""What's it like being drunk?" "Like being awake and asleep at the same time.""Sounds nice." "It was meant to sound terrible," he said looking down his glasses at her. "You get sick and stagger around. People actually vomit sometimes.

Tom Rachman

The seed of a blue lupin will usually produce a blue lupin. But the seed of a blue-eyed man may produce a brown-eyed bore...especially if his wife has a taste for gigolos.

Beverley Nichols

It’s easy enough to get along with a loved and loving child—at least till you try to get him to do something.

Mignon McLaughlin

You know that person on your left shoulder who tells you that you can't do it or that you're not good enough? Tell that person to GET LOST!

Dawn M. Plass

My daughter breaks both her wrists jumping off of a swing. Her friend, who is five, told her to jump off of it. I promise nothing will happen, she said. But why did she promise that? she wails later at the hospital.

Jenny Offill

I thumped her on the back, picked her up and dropped her on top of her dungarees. “Put them pants on,” I said, “and be a man.” She did, but she cried quietly until I shook her and said gently, “Stop it now. I didn’t carry on like that when I was a little girl.” I got into my clothes and dumped her into the bow of the canoe and shoved off.All the way back to the cabin I forced her to play one of our pet games. I would say something—anything—and she would try to say something that rhymed with it. Then it would be her turn. She had an extraordinary rhythmic sense, and an excellent ear.I started off with “We’ll go home and eat our dinners.”“An’ Lord have mercy on us sinners,” she cried. Then, “Let’s see you find a rhyme for ‘month’!”“I bet I’ll do it … jutht thith onthe,” I replied. “I guess I did it then, by cracky.”“Course you did, but then you’re wacky. Top that, mister funny-lookin’!”I pretended I couldn’t, mainly because I couldn’t, and she soundly kicked my shin as a penance. By the time we reached the cabin she was her usual self, and I found myself envying the resilience of youth. And she earned my undying respect by saying nothing to Anjy about the afternoon’s events, even when Anjy looked us over and said, “Just look at you two filthy kids! What have you been doing—swimming in the bayou?”“Daddy splashed me,” said Patty promptly.“And you had to splash him back. Why did he splash you?”“ ’Cause I spit mud through my teeth at him to make him mad,” said my outrageous child.“Patty!”“Mea culpa,” I said, hanging my head. “ ’Twas I who spit the mud.”Anjy threw up her hands. “Heaven knows what sort of a woman Patty’s going to grow up to be,” she said, half angrily.“A broad-minded and forgiving one like her lovely mother,” I said quickly.“Nice work, bud,” said Patty.Anjy laughed. “Outnumbered again. Come in and feed the face.

Theodore Sturgeon

Why do you talk all the time?” I asked. It was a rhetorical question, but she cocked her head on one side and considered it carefully.“I think it’s ’cause I don’t know any big words, like you and Mummy,” she said, just in time to pull me out of my magazine again, “so I have to use lots and lots of little ones.

Theodore Sturgeon

You stupid piece of warm bacon.

Hugh Lofting

And please punish Jenny. You could strike her dead. Amen.” Jenny blinked. “I’m no expert on this, but… are you supposed to pray for someone to be struck dead?

Maggie Osborne

The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.

Jim Gaffigan

Cheeky. Carry them for nine months, feed them, clothe them, and what do I get? Impertinence.

Patricia Briggs

Mike stood in-line, waiting for the mealtime muck that passed for lunch at his school canteen. He knew he was getting close to the front now, as he tightly held his tray. Not just because he could see this as you might expect, but because he could smell Margery the school cook’s body odour. The children at the front were already holding their breath. You could see a line of pink faces close to him, to red, then purple closest to Margery. Only when they left at the end did they breathe for air and turn back to their normal colour again, like a deep sea diver after a long plunge. “Margery the Meal Murderer” was her name for most school kids.

L.P. Donnelli

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Humor Quotes - Page 103

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