Funny Quotes - Page 8

He twisted at the waist and stretched out on his side. “You’re a bit crazy. You throw apples in people’s faces when you’re angry. You go off half-cocked half the time. It entertains me to no end. So if you are irrational, I hope you stay that way. I love it.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

Day had gotten a little nervous during one session when the doctor asked God how he would handle someone hurting Day now and his lover responded by jerking one side of his leather coat open and pulling his long blade from its sheathe. “Easy, I’d cut their fucking arm off and beat the shit out of them with it,” he’d said. But Day quickly started laughing and told the concerned doctor that his partner was just playing. After popping God hard in his stomach, God agreed and said he was indeed joking. When the doctor went back to writing on her legal pad, God mouthed to him, “No I’m not.

A.E. Via

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find her some.

Shannon L. Alder

How are you doing, son?""If you don't get started, I'll rip out your heart and have it for breakfast."- Michael to Solo

Which college?''Hmm?''Which college do you go to?'Fletcher nodded. 'Yes.''I'm sorry?''Oh,' Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie's parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

All right, baby," Daphne crooned."Talk to Mama and tell me all your secrets. . . .

Anyway, Arianna and I left the castle very late one evening. I knew the knight on guard at the drawbridge so I hit hit him over the head because I didn't want to hurt him.Garion blinked."I knew he'd be honor-bound to try to stop us," Lelldorin explained. "I didn't want to have to kill him, so I hit him over the head.""I suppose that makes sense," Garion said dubiously."Arianna's almost positive he won't die.""DIE?""I hit him just a little too hard, I think.

Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn’t listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn’t listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy

Don't open the door to strangers," said her dad. "Unless they're selling something. Then open the door and see if I'd like it. If I'd like it, buy it for me. But nothing cheap. I have standards. Nothing too expensive, either. My standards aren't that high.

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I'm not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I could perform them on him. He’s completely unreadable and even more unpredictable. It pisses me off.

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let's play poker, we had a full team of adults right there.

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

Don't fucking quote me!

Roni Batti Kajou

So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?

Let me set it straight, I've done some shit,And maybe I ain't too proud of itThe monster in your bedYou were begging me "please don't stop!"Said that I'm a douchebag, won't call backThe worst hangover you ever hadFelt so good at first, you knew that it could never lastWanna wash the dirt off my hands, wanna get this all off my chestBut I'm no good at saying sorry... woah oh!I didn't mean to fuck you over,I just want to have some fun

Scotland is a soggy sort it place, where birds and animals walk around uncooked

Coffee is not my thing, and RedBull is my wing.

A good reputation is sign of success".

Stephen Rayment

When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can't be so, you don't get demons our side of the river, the guards won't let them over London Bridge.

BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual.

Permission to shoot the fucker in the face when it comes over the rim?

J. Fally

She oozes the kind of over-confidence that only comes to people who wear deep red lipstick and sparkly tissue sarees in bright daylight.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

We are all regular people, Pia,’ she laughs. ‘But we are notregular wives.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

There is strong. There is Army Strong. And then there is Army Wife Strong.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

Apparently officers are not ‘men’. Officers are ‘officers’.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

E.A. Bucchianeri

How did you not know they broke up? You usually monitor his social media like he's al-Qaeda and you're the CIA.

Recently thought of deleting my Facebook account and start using twitter, but realized it's not easy. Facebook has become like the boyfriend I no longer like but scared to dump because I've invested so much time in the relationship.

Facebook asks me what's on my mind. Twitter asks me what's going on. LinkedIn wants me to reconnect with my colleagues. And YouTube tells me what to watch. Social Media is no reality show or Big Brother. It's but a smothering mother!

Ana Claudia Antunes

Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less!

E.A. Bucchianeri

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

Bauvard

The fact that you and I are acquaintances only interested and amused the ghosts further. Gossip bunch, really.

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple.""How can you say that?" protested Mopple. "We don't know whether humans have souls or not.""Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses." Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses."So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of.

Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say "dern the dern fog".

There was a profound silence, abruptly broken by an enormously loud rumble from George's stomach. Plaster didn't actually fall from the ceiling, but it was close.

Jonathan Stroud

Quick," I hissed. "Tell me what you know about this place."The ghost frowned. His face appeared sweaty and his hair was a mess, like he'd been running his fingers through it. "How about, 'hey, Frankie. How you doing, Frankie? I see you're missing both your legs, Frankie.

Angie Fox

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

You've got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants.""What the fuck does that even mean?" Hook demanded, then held up a hand. "Never mind, I don't want to know.""Means fucking keeps you young.

I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did,” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

Mary E. Pearson

The smell of new office supplies is so satisfying while being kicked out of Staples for inappropriate behavior with a file folder is so embarrassing.

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

Pearls' burst out the Snork Maiden excitedly. 'Could ankle rings be made out of pearls?''I should think they could,' said Moomintoll. 'Ankle-rings, and nose-rings and ear-rings and engagement rings...

No one is waiting for me. In this story, I’m the girl no one is waiting for. Usually the girl is fat, but my problem is more rare, which is freckles: I look like someone threw handfuls of mud at my face.

Y are you called the cheese man?

You know,” he says, voice still low.“I have had nothing but trouble since you walked into my life.” “I’d walk straight back out of it if only you’d let me.

Could you bring me to Rita’s house before we go to the airport?” I ask. “There’s one last thing I need to ask her to do.” “That is on the other side of the river,” says Ethan.“I know. But I need to see her. Please, I’ll be eternally grateful.” He doesn’t say anything, but instead puts the car in gear and starts the engine. After we are driving for about two minutes he asks. “How grateful?” Ah, I see the old Ethan hasn’t disappeared then. I smile and lean over to place a light peck on his cheek. “This grateful,” I say to him.“Hmm, I think you can do better than that,” he chides in good humor.“You’re driving,” is all I say in reply.“I can pull over,” he answers smartly.

When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then I became an adult and started to fall in love,fvi and I realize that band-aids are so overrated lol.

I say that I'm not into you like that, Camryn, because..," he pauses, searching my face, looking at my lips for a moment as if deciding whether or not he should kiss them again, "...because you're not the girl I could only sleep with once.

He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself frying bacon and eggs in his own kitchen at home - for he could feel inside that it was high time for some meal or other; but that only made him miserabler.

Shaking herself, Petunia looked around. Several of her sisters had been talking to her, but she hadn't heard them. "And that answers our questions about why he gave himself up," Poppy was saying, a smile turning up one corner of her mouth as she looked at Petunia. "Now if everyone could please avoid saying his name [Oliver], so that Petunia doesn't drift off again...?

Jessica Day George

Brooke stared in surprise. “You brought me lunch?”“I was in the neighborhood.”She checked out the label on the bag. “DMK is twenty minutes from here.”“I was in that neighborhood, and now I’m here,” he said in exasperation. “Seriously, woman, you are impossible to feed.” He strode over and set the bag on her desk. “One cheeseburger with spicy chipotle ketchup and a side of sweet potato fries—chosen specifically for a certain spicy and sweet girl I know—and a green dill pickle for your eyes. So there.” He crossed his arms over his chest.Brooke studied him. “You seem very ornery right now.”“As a matter of fact, I am.”“Why?”“I don’t know,” he huffed. “Just . . . eat your Brooke Burger. Stop asking so many questions. Sometimes a guy just wants to buy a girl lunch. Any objections to that? Good. Enjoy your Sunday, Ms. Parker.”He strode out of her office, gone as quickly as he’d appeared.Brooke stared at the doorway and blinked.

He dug his heels into his horse's flanks and sped down the path. He heard the others call out behind him, but he ignored them. He was sure Karl and Johan and the others would have searched the rosebush and that entire are carefully enough; there was nothing to learn there. But he wanted to get to the hunting lodge, to find Prince Grigori and punch him in the nose for losing Petunia, and then make certain that her sisters were alright. And then her would find Petunia, and he would bring her home.

Jessica Day George

It’s only sixteen ninety-five," I say with a flutter of my lashes."You’re serious."I prop my hands on my waist and stick out a hip, striking a pose worthy of a supermodel. "Look at me. Don’t I look serious?"She collapses into the chair outside the dressing room in a fit of giggles so cute they make my insides fizz. "No! You must be stopped," she says."Why?" I strut down an aisle of yellowed lingerie, swiveling my hips, batting bras with flicks of my fingers. "I will be the king of the disco. I will be—" I spin and strike another pose. "An inspiration."She sniffs and swipes at her eyes. "The real Dylan would die before he’d be seen in public in something like that.""The real Dylan is boring." I brace my hands on the arms of her chair and lean down until our faces are a whisper apart. "And he’s not one fourth the kisser I am.""Is that right?" Her lips quirk."You know it is."Her smile melts, and her breath comes faster. "Yeah. I do.

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