Funny Quotes - Page 76

This is nice,' Melody said, picking up a red leather box with a vintage watch inside.'Yes, it is nice. It's the watch I gave Walker as a wedding gift.''He gave it back?''Actually, he sold it back to the person I bought it from who alerted me and I reacquired it.''I'm sorry. That sounds upsetting.''It was. Very. Especially since he sold the watch to buy combs for my long hair and without knowing what he had done I sold my hair to buy a leather case for this watch.

Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney

Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.

John Kennebrew

It seems the only thing that can rob you of your formidable powers of inquisition is the sight of me without a shirt on.

Caine

You are amazing," she said. "And you make a very handsome elephant.

Rick Riordan

She wasn’t the only one who was overjoyed.Deacon had launched himself at Aiden—Aiden saintly St. Delphi—nearly knocking him backward, over a fallen pure. The brothers hugged, oblivious to those fighting around them. Other than their eyes, they absolutely had nothing in common.Which was why I liked Deacon.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Sirens blasted, breaking the silence and spinning me around. The shrill sound was all too familiar, and I snapped into action. Vicious excitement replaced the restlessness, and I knew just how screwed up that was, but right then? Oh yeah, I could use a fight. Yesterday in the quad had been child’s play.Grabbing the Glock loaded with titanium bullets, I hooked it into the holster and fit it around my thigh. I snatched the daggers off the dresser and headed out the door, not even bothering with grabbing a shirt.I came to a complete stop as Josie’s door swung open.What in the holy fuck were Alex and Josie doing together? For just a few seconds, the three of us were literally frozen, staring at each other as the sirens blared overhead.And then Alex broke the silence.“Really?” she said dryly, eyeing me with a smirk. “You’re going to fight with the awesomeness of your six-pack as a weapon?”I arched a brow. “Yeah, you know, I was going to test out the whole abs of steel theory thing. The gun attached to my thigh and the daggers in my hands are just props. Mainly for show. Don’t want to take away from the gloriousness that is my body, though.”Her smirk flipped into a grin. “Whatever.” She started forward. Up ahead, a tall figure stepped out in the hall, and light glinted off the titanium daggers in his hands. Aiden. Of course their room had to be close to mine.Of. Course.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Oh, everything is fun when I’m around.” Hercules’s knees knocked into the back of my seat as he leaned back. “This one time, when I was ordered by the gods to . . .”I could only think of three words.Fuck. My. Life.“You should drive, because I’m going to end it all. Once we’re on the freeway, I’m going to jump out of this vehicle and throw myself in front of a Mack truck.”Josie’s laugh cut off her yawn. “That’s a little excessive.”Adjusting the sunglasses I’d stolen from Aiden yesterday morning, I smirked. “I do not think anything is excessive when it comes to him.”“But that won’t even kill you.”I sighed. “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’ll knock me unconscious for the time being.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

The Problem is Not the Problem.The Problem is Your Attitude Towards the Problem

Captain Jack Sparrow

Back in medieval times, " I said, "we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid."Meg flinched. "Isn't that dangerous?""Very.""And you *healed* with it?""It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then.

Rick Riordan

I put a knife in your hand and your first instinct was to stab me.""You tried to stab me first," I objected without thinking.

Alwyn Hamilton

I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.

Vann Chow

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

Joyce Rachelle

Meg, what I'm about to do - never, ever try this on your own." I felt a bit silly giving this advice to a girl who regulartly fought monsters with golden swords, but I had promised Bill Nye the Science Guy I would always promote safe laboratory practices.

Rick Riordan

The big knight fell heavily to the ground, and lay there, as nearly dead as possible. His servants came running from the castle and took him in. He got better in the end, but nobody cared much about that.

Roger Lancelyn Green

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

D.L. Hess

He’s so fucking unconventionally perfect. I don’t know whether I want to kick him in the balls or lick his face.

Heather M. Orgeron

I want to rip the rest of those buttons open and climb him like a monkey in a banana tree. Oh God, what I would do with his banana...

Heather M. Orgeron

She’s not ready and maybe she never will be, but I won’t stop trying. I’ll be patient if it kills me. I can just see it now. Cooper Hebert died of blue balls and a broken heart.

Heather M. Orgeron

You’re stupid. First of all, I need for you to know that.” “Uhhh, thanks?” “That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. What could possibly be more romantic than the man of your dreams swooping in like a white knight? This is your fucking fairytale, bitch, and you’re about to let it slip away...” Gina growls in frustration. Add a note

Heather M. Orgeron

I find blow jobs to be highly respectable. In fact, I can’t think of many things I respect more than your lips around my cock.

Heather M. Orgeron

I can't believe he stabbed the guy. Eight years old. I'm the most irresponsible kidnapper ever.

Joey Comeau

Often we have to remind our minds that the job of asshole is already taken.

Scott Stabile

It was weird, ’cause there we were in Italy listening to people singing in German. The music was nice, though, and there was this guy dressed up like a parrot. If you’d asked me a year ago to guess what opera was like, I’d never have guessed it had guys dressed as parrots. I might’ve wanted to go and see some sooner if I’d known. It was a sweet story, ’cause he met this girl who was dressed as a parrot too, and they got off together.

J.L. Merrow

I look around, hoping I can postpone the indignity of stuttering like a lunatic in front of the sexiest man alive – according to People magazine, twice – while giving him crazy eyes. Of course, everyone looks like they’re taken care of. Except for Mr. Sexypants, major Hollywood actor, Nathanial Stone, Sir.

D.L. Hess

American girls shivered and quivered at the Aussie accent whispered against their bodies.

Cristin Harber

You’re gorgeous. You’re sexy. You’re … asking me to cut that dress off you? I’m praying for strength.

Cristin Harber

This many pretty girls in the room, all watching you boys like you’re a wedding-reception one-night stand waiting to happen—

Cristin Harber

Power comes at a price, love," Veliss replied through bared teeth, maintaining the smile she offered to the townsfolk lining the square."What power?""All power. The power to rule, to kill, or, in your case this fine morning, the power to incite the lust of the old goat you're about to meet.""Lust? I have no desire to incite lust in anyone."Veliss turned to her with a quizzical expression, her smile suddenly genuine. "Then I'm afraid you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.

Anthony Ryan

Thirty-four, still undecided on a name, sat practicing his Realm tongue with Draker, although much of the lesson seemed to consist of the correct use of profanity. "No," the big man shook his shaggy head. "Pig-fucker not fuck-pigger.

Anthony Ryan

It's a shame I'm going to be forced to commit severe testicular trauma upon that boy

Jenn Bennett

You are Bellman, aren’t you? The genius who sent the sauna ape after me?” Harry nodded toward the Finn.

Jo Nesbø

Chocolate cake and a diamond ring? In bed with the man of my dreams?

Cristin Harber

She giggled. Giggled. Her cheeks pinked, and goddamn, if this plane didn’t get to the gate and un-board them, he was going to pull the emergency hatch.

Cristin Harber

God, woman.” He closed his fist, not bothering to count off the dozens of other things she shouldn’t do. “You give me heartburn.”“No. Those are orgasms I give you, baby.

Cristin Harber

Holy swoonballs!

Cristin Harber

My ex wants to come and rescue me.’‘Too late! I already rescued you. Who does this guy think he is?

Brynn Kelly

Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema? Do I do both? Do I do the abdominal message or the colonic? Do I tell the doctors about each other? East meets West in Gilda's body: Western medicine down my throat, Eastern medicine up my butt.

Gilda Radner

Comedians can turn laughter into tears and back again.

Anthony T.Hincks

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

Douglas Adams

He shook his head at himself as he walked out into the night. For guys, life was nothing but one big pissing contest. It was a pure damn wonder women didn't take over the world while men were busy trying to prove who had the biggest dick.

Tami Hoag

I glanced over to where Seth looked like he wanted to bang his head against the wall. “Hey.”The blond continued to smile, while his friend continued to stare at me.Seth sighed again. “The one grinning like he’s crazy is Deacon, and the other one is Luke.”“We’re friends of his—of Seth’s,” Deacon threw in, and Seth did not look like they were friends.“This is Josie,” Seth continued. “Please don’t be weird and scare her.”“Be weird?” Deacon rolled those gray eyes. “Ha. Whatever, dude. All you need to know about me is that I’m like a dolphin in a sea of less-smart fish,” he announced, spreading his arms with a flourish.Luke turned to him slowly as his eyebrows inched up his forehead. “What?”He shrugged. “Just saying I have a lot in common with dolphins. They’re smart. I’m smart.”Seth rubbed his hand down his face.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Seth joined the group of very stern-looking men, and they immediately started talking, their voices too low for me to hear, but it didn’t stop me from trying. I learned fairly quickly that I sucked at reading lips. Everything looked like they were saying “tomatoes” or “I love you” and I doubted that was what was being said.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

And the way he follows you around all the time. It's like he's been taking pointers from your dog.

Jasmine Walt

How about this,' I said. 'We modify our plans with regard to ongoing facts as they become known to us, then remodify them as the situation unfolds. 'You mean make it all up as we go along?' asked Perkins.'Right.

Jasper Fforde

How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!”Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. “Thank you for not killing the squirrel.”“You’re welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it.

Ilona Andrews

He chuckled into my hair. My body decided this would be a fine moment to remember that his body was wrapped around mine and his body was muscular, hard, and hot, and my butt was pressed against his groin. Cuddled up by a dragon. No, thank you. Let me off this train.“If you keep wiggling, things might get uncomfortable,” he said into my ear, his voice like a caress. “I’m doing my best, but thinking about baseball only takes you so far.

Ilona Andrews

In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.

Reductress

What are we talking about again?” he asks.I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both laugh.“What are the ingredients?” he prompts me again.“Mutual self-interest and socioeconomic compatibility.”“Do you even have a soul?”“No such thing as a soul,” I say.

Nicola Yoon

Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - "it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it."Fart.... what?

Ilona Andrews

Valérie: "You know, you don't need to be a lesbian to be a feminist. Nor do you need short hair to be a lesbian. Or a feminist.""Yes, but helps, doesd't it?" Astrid counters

Clémentine Beauvais

It seems Washinoo didn't mind being kidnapped by lunatics. He remained with Yoshitsune until the very end.

Pamela S Turner

When he smoked marijuana he tended to masterbate a great deal.

David Foster Wallace

Kale's usually picky about who drives his car, 'he says, smiling again. 'But in this case, I don't think he would mind''Well, technically, it's no longer his car, I point out.He tilts his head slightly. 'Touché.

Gwen Cole

Get used to gaps in your comprehension,” said Sabetha. “The rest of us certainly have.

Scott Lynch

If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll show them exactly how multifunctional the utensil can be.

Jennifer Ellision

One of the multitudes of exboyfriends had been a country music fan and left Gemma with an unfortunate passion for Tammy Wynette. It was like, Cat thought, he’d given her herpes.

Liane Moriarty

I once had a patient who was convinced that his head was full of sea water and a crab lived inside. When I asked him what happened to his brain he told me that aliens had sucked it out with a drinking straw."It is better this way," he insisted. "Now there's more room for the crab.

Michael Robotham

Is that sex talk?" she asked uncertainly."It is.""Why don't you just say sex then? It's always chalice and appetite and artifice with you. I never know what the hell you're saying.

R. Lee Smith

Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door for four minutes, then waiting another ten, she decided she’d probably have to find someplace else to crash today She wished she’d taken the time to actually have a few friends.

A. Lee Martinez

And didst thou imbibe mighty potions from the fruit of the grape (...)? And hast thou one Ache, this morning (...) appertaining unto Head, and much repentance in thy Soul forsooth?

Patrick Hamilton

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Funny Quotes - Page 76

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