Funny Quotes - Page 74

That evening I was the sole guest in the huge dining room, and it was the same startled person who took my order and shortly afterwards brought me a fish that had doubtless lain entombed in the deep-freeze for years. The breadcrumb armour-plating of the fish had been partly singed by the grill, and the prongs of my fork bent on it. Indeed it was so difficult to penetrate what eventually proved to be nothing but an empty shell that my plate was a hideous mess once the operation was over. The tartare sauce that I had had to squeeze out of a plastic sachet was turned grey by the sooty breadcrumbs, and the fish itself, or what feigned to be fish, lay a sorry wreck among the grass-green peas and the remains of soggy chips that gleamed with fat.

W. G. Sebold

And I’d be damned if I let the first photograph of me in ten years be taken on fucking Amtrak. I mean, the light alone.

Elizabeth Little

Yeah, that’s what Jeffrey said too. Oh, wait … Jeffrey said something about a Sacred Abil and the Trophy of Stavlini, or Stavriti, or Stav … something.”“Staviti?” The hysteria in Emmy’s voice was definitely becoming prominent now. “The Trophy of Staviti? You stole the Trophy of Staviti?”I clapped a hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her shriek. “No!” I answered reflexively. “Or yes. Kind of. Maybe. Why?”She gave a muffled answer, and I realised that I was still holding my hand over her mouth. I pulled away, allowing her to speak again.“You don’t know who Staviti is, Willa? Seriously? You couldn’t pay attention in class even for that much?”“I knew it sounded familiar,” I grumbled, feeling defensive. “Is it the god of … um … food or something?

Jaymin Eve

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me

Jon Ronson

When in doubt," Calypso said, "Tater Tots.

Rick Riordan

Four different kinds of Tater Tots?" I felt overwhelmed by culinary confusion. "Why would anyone need so many? Chili. Sweet potato. Blue?

Rick Riordan

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?""Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too.

Rachel Brookes

It's so Hogwarts.

Stephanie Perkins

Come on, you guys. I know you want to line up to hug this motherfucker here. Don’t be shy. My awesomeness is contagious.” He winked.Mason got up, shaking his head. “You were just on the phone with Logan, weren’t you?”“Hell yeah, my Mason motherfucker. Come here, you gorgeous son of a bitch.

Tijan

So none of the young men we encountered during our season gave you hot pants for them?Belinda! Your language. I've been mingling with Americans. Such fun. So Naughty.

Rhys Bowen

These three man," Mimi said, "are suspects in a recent theft. Last night, Polly Partial received a shipment of twenty blueberry pies. This morning she counted them and came up short.""How many are missing?" I asked."Last night she had twenty," Harvey said, shutting the station door, "and today she found zero. So at least eighteen are missing.""At least." I agreed.

Lemony Snicket

Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time

Bogdan Vaida

He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from, but where the theft had occurred. If he couldn’t find it, that would suggest his factor back home in Shanghai was either cleverer or more honest than he had thought, and Crane didn’t think he was particularly honest.

K.J. Charles

In our profession, we tend to name things exactly as we see them. Big red stars we call red giants. Small white stars we call white dwarfs. When stars are made of neutrons, we call them neutron stars. Stars that pulse, we call them pulsars. In biology they come up with big Latin words for things. MDs write prescriptions in a cuneiform that patients can’t understand, hand them to the pharmacist, who understands the cuneiform. It’s some long fancy chemical thing, which we ingest. In biochemistry, the most popular molecule has ten syllables—deoxyribonucleic acid! Yet the beginning of all space, time, matter, and energy in the cosmos, we can describe in two simple words, Big Bang. We are a monosyllabic science, because the universe is hard enough. There is no point in making big words to confuse you further.Want more? In the universe, there are places where the gravity is so strong that light doesn’t come out. You fall in, and you don’t come out either: black hole. Once again, with single syllables, we get the whole job done. Sorry, but I had to get all that off my chest.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

He texts back: I love you.I'm starting to text back, I love you, too, when my phone rings. It's Peter's house number, and I answer it eagerly."I love you, too," I say.There is surprised silence on the other end, then a little laugh to cover it up. "Hi, Lara Jean. This is Peter's mom.

Jenny Han

I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake.

Jenny Han

Noah had wandered down the aisle, but now he gleefully returned with a snow globe. He stood behind Ronan until he pushed off the shelf to admire the atrocity. "Glitter," whispered Noah reverentially, giving it a shake.

Maggie Stiefvater

What's happening here?" This last bit was hissed to Ronan and Noah. "Noah took a personal day.""I lost..." Noah struggled for words. "There wasn't air. It went away. The - the line!""The ley line?" Gansey asked.Noah nodded once, a sloppy thing that was sort of a shrug at the same time. "There was nothing ... left for me." Releasing Ronan, he shook out his hands. "You're welcome, man," Ronan snarled. He still couldn't feel his toes."Thanks. I didn't mean to ... you were there. Oh, the glitter.""Yes," Ronan replied crossly. "The glitter.

Maggie Stiefvater

At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue’s opinion, was far more hellish than anything they’d discussed to this point.

Maggie Stiefvater

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

Sulari Gentill

What’s going on?” Ingrid asked. “Listen, nothing bad today, please.” She pulled a chair out and sat down. Faye stared at her and said the words as quickly as she could. “I’m just going to give it to you straight as I can. Mila is a witch.” Ingrid busted out with a laugh. “I wouldn’t call her that,” she said. “That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?” She poured the juice into her glass and took a drink. “What did the brat do this time?” She set her glass down.

Taylor Keys

That’s probably the most sincere thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”Logan lowered his eyes to Tate’s hand. “Now, that’s not true. I was very sincere this morning when I told you that I loved sucking your—”“Don’t ruin it,” Tate interrupted.

Ella Frank

Can you sharpen this for me, please?”Logan leaned across the table and took the pencil from him. “You want me to play with your pencil, Tate?”“Hilarious. The sharpener is right by you. You just have to pick it up and slide it in.”As soon as the words left his mouth and Logan’s quirked into an arrogant line, Tate bit his tongue.“Really? Did you really just say that to me?”Feeling more comfortable than ever with Logan and this group, Tate shrugged and nodded. Time to give it to Logan as good as he gives.“Yeah. Is there a problem? You just line it up...and slide it in.”“You know, Tate—”“Don't do it.” Tate cut him off as he moved his foot, the one he’d had sitting between Logan’s feet all night, so his shin bumped Logan’s calf.“Do what?”“Say something dirty. I know you're dying to, but just sharpen the pencil.”Logan picked up the sharpener and made a big show of inserting the tip in the hole.“Jesus,” Shelly muttered from beside Logan. “I thought Rachel and Cole were bad.

Ella Frank

Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?”Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. “Unopened. Why?

Ella Frank

Carl Mørck, am I disturbing you? said a voice at the door, which made his blood boil and turn to ice at the same time. His spinal cord sent five commands through his infrastructure: get rid of the eraser, cover the last line, put away the cigarette, drop the stupid facial expression, close your mouth!

Jussi Adler-Olsen

If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should stare into its arsehole.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

He'd make her work so hard that a job as a cardboard-box presser at the margerine factory would seem like paradise.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

Bak stood a moment, as though considering whether the sum total of their shared working life was ending in a minus or a plus.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

Phi cang Saigon Tansonnhut" "He puzzled at the meaning and smiled inwardly. The sign probably said, “Welcome and Affectionate Salutations to All Who Enter the Glorious Tan Son Nhut Air Base, Home of Seventh Air Force, Only Minutes from Beautiful Saigon.” Or maybe not; he couldn’t know. Maybe it read, “Welcome to the Dung Heap of Despair—Abandon Cheer, All Ye Who Enter.

Tony Taylor

I'm out of the room in the next instant, like a man wanting breath, after suffocating through the horror of a burrito eating obese man's fart." - Emily Dolt

Nix Banner

Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)

Rick Riordan

I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations.

Rhiannon McGavin

Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust.

Sarah J Maas

I’m alive,” he groaned. “But I’m not doing a very good job of it.

Merrie Haskell

And turnips - endless ruptured turnips.

Merrie Haskell

Perrotte frowned. “I’d like to turn a plowshare into a sword ,” she said. “I’d cut our way out of those thorns, and then use it to run my enemies through—” She bit off her next words and swallowed them. Sand stared at her, aghast. She met his eyes, defiant. “What? You don’t like bloodthirstiness?” she asked. “Pardon? No. I’m horrified that you would dull a sword on that thorn brake. I could make you some pretty good hedge shears.

Merrie Haskell

The truth is . . . Well, the truth is the truth, and thus worth telling, but sometimes truths are so complicated that it’s exhausting to get them out in the right order.” He glanced up at her. That sounded like an evasion if ever she’d heard one. She raised an eyebrow.

Merrie Haskell

Saint Melor’s father was Saint Meliau.”“Was everyone in Bertaèyn a saint, back in the day?”“Everyone who didn’t murder anyone, maybe,” Perrotte said.

Merrie Haskell

The shrine I prayed at not to go to university,” Sand said.“I guess your prayer was answered,” Perrotte said.Sand strongly considered throwing something at her—but there was nothing to hand that wasn’t sacred.

Merrie Haskell

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

K.J. Charles

What?” he asked in a low voice.“You looked like you spent your last joy bill.”He hissed, “What does that even mean?”“I don’t know. I was just trying it out.”“Well, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t make sense. And anyway, I’ve got plenty of joy bills. Loads.”Helen said, “What’s happening there on your phone?”“A very small joy debit.”His older sister’s smile shone brightly. “You see, it does work. Now, did you or did you not need to get out of that room?”Gansey inclined his head in slight acknowledgment. Gansey siblings knew each other well.“You’re so welcome,” Helen said. “Let me know if you need me to write a joy check.”“I really don’t think it works.

Maggie Stiefvater

How did you get into the castle, Alexandre, son of Gilles Smith?” Sand shrugged. “A saint kidnapped me from his shrine and put me into a fireplace here. So I guess the answer is, a miracle of Saint Melor. Or so I think. He has not told me.” “If you are trying to antagonize him, you are doing a good job,” Perrotte whispered. Sand scuffed his shoe at her. “I’m just telling the truth!” “You’re very good at telling it in the most maddening way possible.”“Thank you?

Merrie Haskell

You’re not mending anything, remember, Sand? The hedge.” He paused and shook his head at himself. “And Perrotte’s away for a few minutes, and you’re talking to yourself again.

Merrie Haskell

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would* have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. It would be hard to be deader without special training.

Terry Pratchett

I gather you weren't keen on going back to Scotland with your brother at this time of year. I don't say I blame you. Terribly bleak and cutoff in the winter.""Oh no, Mom," I said, as her words sunk in. "My brother is not going back to Scotland. He and my sister-in-law are going to the Riviera."The Riviera? I had no idea.""For my sister-in-law's health. She's feeling rather frail at the moment.""I don't think that frail would ever be a word to describe your sister-in-law," the Queen said, looking up with a half smile on her lips as a tray of coffee was reeled into the room."I managed to have six children without making a fuss. One just got on with it.

Rhys Bowen

Well, aint this a kick in the dick!

Genocider Syo (Touko Fukawa

I’d like to say I’m not dressed up for anyone in particular, but that would be a lie.

Lisa Daily

When I think about books, I touch my shelf.

Unknown

Is the princess still in the fitting room?""Oh no, darling. She appeared about half an hour ago. Poured herself a black coffee, and looked longingly at the cakes. That child is starving herself if you ask me. Now she's definitely too thin. European men do like a woman to have a little meat on her bones.""And Prince Nicolas, have you seen him recently?""I haven't seen him since lunch. I gather he and Antone went out to shoot. And I expect Max went with them. They're only happy when they're shooting something. Apart from sex of course." "Mother!" I gave her a warning frown. My mother glanced around at the other women, who were tucking into their tort with abandon. "They won't understand. Their English is hopeless, darling. Besides, it is about time you are acquainted with the facts of life. I've hopelessly neglected my duty in that area. Men only have two thoughts in their heads. And those are killing or copulating.""I'm sure there are plenty of men with finer feelings who are interested in art and culture.""Yes, darling. Of course there are. They are called ferries. And they are quite adorable. So witty and fun to be with. But in my long and varied life I've found that the ones who are witty to be with are no use in bed. And vice versa.

Rhys Bowen

Don't worry, Sean. You're still hot even in the hospital gown," Sandra said."Don't lie out of pity, Sandy. No one can look hot in these," Flora scolded. A gleam came to life in her hazel eyes. "Wait, are these the type that opens in the back? In that case would you get up and close the blinds over there for us?

rainbowbrook

I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese.

Gail Honeyman

I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.

Ilona Andrews

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)

Gail Honeyman

My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.

Gail Honeyman

Roarke didn't quite make it to Eve's office. He found her down the corridor, in front of one of the vending machines. She and the machine appeared to be in the middle of a vicious argument."I put the proper credits in, you blood-sucking, money-grubbing son of a bitch." Eve punctuated this by slamming her fist where the machine's heart would be, if it had one.ANY ATTEMPT TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.The machine spoke in a prissy, singsong voice Roarke was certain was sending his wife's blood pressure through the roof.THIS UNIT IS EQUIPPED WITH SCANEYE, AND HAS RECORDED YOUR BADGE NUMBER. DALLAS, LIEUTENANT EVE. PLEASE INSERT PROPER CREDIT, IN COIN OR CREDIT CODE, FOR YOUR SELECTION. AND REFRAIN FROM ATTEMPTING TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT."Okay, I'll stop attempting to vandalize, deface, or damage you, you electronic street thief. I'll just do it."She swung back her right foot, which Roarke had cause to know could deliver a paralyzing kick from a standing position. But before she could follow through he stepped up and nudged her off balance."Please, allow me, Lieutenant.""Don't put any more credits in that thieving bastard," she began, then hissed when Roarke did just that."Candy bar, I assume. Did you have any lunch?""Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it's just going to keep stealing if people like you pander to it.""Eve, darling, it's a machine. It does not think.""Ever hear of artificial intelligence, ace?""Not in a vending machine that dispenses chocolate bars.

J D ROBB

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature.

Gail Honeyman

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

Criss Jami

I do not think, Prospero,' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

John Bellairs

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

John Bellairs

Everyone is a Butthole.

Ted Aramac

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Funny Quotes - Page 74

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