Funny Quotes - Page 73

You know what to do?” “Wander around,” I said. “Until I spot a self-assembled whangdoodle from the Foggy depths.

Did you just call me ‘sweetie’?” I asked. She shoved my shoulder. “No.

Well, the bad news,” Swedish said from the wheel, “is that Chess still thinks he’s funny.” “What’s the good news?” Loretta asked, leaning on our little copper-tubed harpoon. “That Kodoc dropped a bomb on the city?

Now you’re listening to Swedish ?” I asked her. “He thinks I’m the Compass because every time I see ticktocks, I happen to be there!

It seemed that, after contact with a few human generations, sand hogs would begin to understand human speech. The irony was that after coming to understand their riders fully, the beasts often ended up abandoning them and heading off into the wilderness.

Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time.

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think I kill for fun.”“Don’t y

I'm just going ahead and say what everyone else here is thinking.This has got to be the weirdest fucking wedding that has ever happened.

Jessica Gadziala

All the latchkey children cursed and smashed bottles, teased about underwear, and puffed on those unfiltered cigarettes that only the cowboys could roll.

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously.

Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.

That wasn’t so bad,” I decided, after downing the shot. Maybe I was getting my rhythm. “Because you threw it over your shoulder,” Scarface told me, looking smug. “Did not.” I looked behind me, only to see an outraged vamp with fey wine dripping down his face. “Oops.” “It was for luck,” Ray said defensively, wrapping both my hands around a glass. “Drink!” I drank.

Most often when I stammerThat's my brainCorrecting my grammer.

No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.

Christopher Moore

There are men and gods, and beings like Pythagoras.

Mom,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “Listen to me very carefully, okay? And don’t freak.”“Dez, do not start a conversation like that. It doesn’t instill me with any amount of confidence—especially when it comes from you.

She let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah, that’s how it works. I just woke up one morning and was like, ‘gee, I want to screw Kyler.’ Seriously, you have no clue.

Jennifer Armentrout

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board.

Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?

And why was I sitting on the curb? I honestly didn’t know, but it was better than being inside my apartment, all alone. And yeah, I was alone out here, but it didn’t feel that way. I was pretty sure there was a squirrel over by the tree, so that counted for something, right?

Jennifer Armentrout

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

Edgar Rice Burroughs

Your wit never ceases to underwhelm me.

A.E. Kirk

I want gifts and Christmas music. I don’t care how many Draziri are out there. They won’t take Christmas from me.”“Yes, but we don’t have a suitable male,” Orro said. “And only one dog.”I looked at him.“What is this Christmas?” Wing asked.Orro turned from the stove. “It’s the rite of passage during which the young males of the human species learn to display aggression and use weapons.”Sean stopped what he was doing and looked at Orro.“The young men go out in small packs,” Orro continued. “They brave the cold and come into conflict with other packs and they have to prove their dominance through physical combat. Their fathers teach them lessons in the proper use of swear words, and the young men have to undergo tests of endurance, like holding soap in their mouths and licking cold metal objects.”Sean made a strangled noise.“At the end of their trials, they go to see a wise elder in a red suit to prove their worth. If they are judged worthy, the family erects a ceremonial tree and presents them with gifts of weapons.”Sean was clearly struggling, because his head was shaking.“Also,” Orro added, “a sacrificial poultry is prepared and then given to the wild animals, probably to appease the nature spirits.”Sean roared with laughter.

It was going to be our job to annoy someone?” “I know—it’s a dream come true!

I still didn’t turn. Instead, I just listened really hard. I couldn’t tell where he was standing anymore, but I could sense that he was still there somewhere. Well obviously … because he didn’t exactly jump out of the window.

I had heard of Virginia before only in passing, a "crazy ex" with whom things had not ended well. I was accustomed to this lazy shorthand for men who dislike the emotions of women.

That spot was taken," Kara sat up to look at them. Stylized, short, black hair with bangs. Piercing blue eyes. Proper posture. Lean. It was Oliver. "I don't think a bag counts as a person," he smiled down at her.

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

@She is really really so beautiful there,' said Assad.Carl glanced at him. Apparently a woman's appearance was a particularly valuable factor in his assistant's world-view. But Carl agreed with him.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

Language-lovers know that there is a word for every fear. Are you afraid of wine? Then you have oenophobia. Tremulous about train travel? You suffer from siderodromophobia. Having misgivings about your mother-in-law is pentheraphobia, and being petrified of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth is arachibutyrophobia. And then there’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s affliction, the fear of fear itself, or phobophobia.

You'd be amazed to discover all the tangible things that can come out of dreams." "Like drool?

Catherine Lowell

Wintertime is the best time of the year to get really fat.

Alin Sav

You can't hold someone whoWants to leaveYou can't clutch a memoryAs if it were todayYou can't take an insultClose to heartYou can't grasp for gloryFrom your chairYou can't seize lifeThinking only of lossAnd you can't grab a laser pointer dotOn the wallNo matter how much you tryThese hard-earned truths I give to you

Francesco Marciuliano

The leaf twirls gentlyTo the dry groundThe flake tumbles lightlyTo the snow moundThe lightning falls mightilyTo the earth with a crashAnd I plummet sleepilyFrom the fridge to the trash.Such is nature's way

Francesco Marciuliano

I am intelligent I am attractiveI am powerfulI am proactiveI am healthI am strengthI am stealthI am surrounded by loveI am a beacon of hopeI-- HORKFLAKGLORKSPUKE....That was a hairballAnd I am a catAnd what just happenedI am fine with that

Francesco Marciuliano

He leaned against her, pressing his shoulder into hers. "Don't be mad at me," he said, sighing. "It makes me crazy.""I'm never mad at you," she said."Right.""I'm not.""You must just be mad near me a lot.

Try to think like a human,’ said Gant, lolling in one of the club chairs.‘Why should I restrict myself so severely?

Your words hurt, Jazz. They hurt like cotton balls thrown in my direction.

I was hoping that the first time you expressed affection for me, it would not be in a room full of strangers. And that you would not have just said it to a sniveling creature like that Raymond!” “I expressed affection for Ray?” “Yes!” “Man, I really must be drunk.” Louis-Cesare just looked at me. I blinked politely back, until I realized that he expected a response.

Coloron often pondered how a race, in which the stupid seemed more inclined to breed, had managed to come this far, and why human intelligence persisted—a discussion point in the nature vs nurture debate which had not died in half a millennium.

Thus, in moments of catastrophe, when hard decisions needed to be made quickly, all AIs included in their calculations a human death toll governed by a factor called ‘pigheadedness’.

It all came back to human time and utterly human impulses: in the end, gods did not appreciate godlike power, but humans did.

On a date, if you look more often to your phone than to your girlfriend/wife, then you have a problem... but if it is your partner who is messaging you, than you both need help.

Alin Sav

If God would cry, you can´t compare it to a tsunami.

Alin Sav

Things hit a limit, though, when I was set upon by a pickpocket in a baker's shop. I didn't notice that I was being set upon by a pickpocket, which I am glad of, because I like to work only with professionals.

Coraline tried drawing the mist. After ten minutes of drawing she still had a white sheet of paper with "MIST" written on it one corner in slightly wiggly letters. She grunted and passed it to her mother."Mm. Very modern, dear," said Coraline's mother.

But then again, I shouldn't judge. That is, after all, my pet peeve.

It's funny how things work out.Trouble is, I'm still not laughing.

Anthony T.Hincks

I'd grown impervious to all three of his facial expressions.

Cookie O'Gorman

Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?""Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.

Elizabeth Brown

That one doesn’t count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you?

H.S. Crow

Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.

Maybe your aunt is funny in quiet moments with her friends because like many women her age, she was taught to not draw attention to herself. And maybe she also noticed how men of her generation weren't attracted to the women who spoke out of turn and uttered their own opinions out loud. And certainly these types of men weren't attracted to women who were funnier than them. Women have always been funny. They just weren't interested in sharing their jokes with you. Truth in point, my mom is hilarious. She has also been single since 1974.

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off?

Parker S. Huntington

But I saw your aura looking healthy again, then looking sick after a hunt. And you keep getting migraines. You should take better care of yourself,” he added mildly. “Look for ways to not be so tense – long walks, meditation, these things would help.”Alex suddenly felt like Seb was his therapist; he had to resist the urge to shake him.

Lunch started off tense after our heated moment. Thank goodness for Blake. Kai was warm toward him, reserving his coolness for me. I watched, keeping quiet. They fought over the last piece of General Tso’s shrimp, and I had to laugh when the little thing went flying in the air and landed in a wet footprint next to the pool.“You can have it,” Kaidan graciously offered, and Blake shoved him one last time.

Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist’s little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.

Funny is like sexy, and they are kind of related. What turns one person on is hilarious to another person. And vice versa. And you can see all of this at the nexus of clowns. Many people think clowns are hilarious. (Many others think clowns are creepy.) But there is a certain percentage of people who think clowns are sexy. Don't believe me, Google "clown porn" right now. I dare you. And if you don't need to Google that, then it's because it is already saved on your browser. So when these dudes say, "Women aren't funny," they are forgetting a classically important addendum: "to me." They should be saying, "Women aren't funny to me." But they don't say "to me" because if you are a man in America, you are considered the norm. (Remember it's the NBA and the W[omen's]NBA, not the WNBA and the M[en's]NBA.) And if you are a white man in America, then you are also considered the norm.

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