Funny Quotes - Page 71

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

Do you want a cookie?- What?- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?- No.- How can you not want a cookie?- I just don't.- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?- I'd eat a cookie?- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.- What are you saying?- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have acookie?- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.- And you don't think that's fair.- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you somuch.- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like yousaid, it's not fair.- So what are you going to do?- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fairto ten-year-olds.

Nicholas Sparks

Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?

Rachel Caine

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Roald Dahl

aren't you, uh... reproducing?"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.

Cassandra Clare

Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?

Gena Showalter

Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!

James Patterson

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impos

Lewis Carroll

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.

Charles M. Schulz

You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it." "I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it." And then he took me to the bed.

Richelle Mead

A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around." "Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.

Richelle Mead

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Suzanne Collins

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Marilyn Monroe

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

John Green

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

Lemony Snicket

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guisewite

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

Albert Einstein

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston S. Churchill

It's not because I want to make out with her."Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit

John Green

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Golda Meir

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Bill Cosby

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Yogi Berra

I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay."I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox.And there's one more - that's seventeen,And don't you think my face looks green?My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,It might be the instamatic flu.I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,I'm sure that my left leg is broke.My hip hurts when I move my chin,My belly button's caving in.My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,My 'pendix pains each time it rains.My toes are cold, my toes are numb,I have a sliver in my thumb.My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,I hardly whisper when I speak.My tongue is filling up my mouth,I think my hair is falling out.My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,My temperature is one-o-eight.My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,There's a hole inside my ear.I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...What? What's that? What's that you say?You say today is .............. Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!

Shel Silverstein

In Science don't confound Normal static electricity To ecstatic eccentricity. Here is what I found: Electric charges As they rise up your hair In contrast with a discharge, Rarity leaves you up in the air!

Ana Claudia Antunes

You have a mind like the rings of Saturn. A million miles wide and an inch deep.

Kim Stanley Robinson

Were you planning to jump off?"“Not on pizza day. Never on pizza day, which is one of the better days of the week.” I should mention that I am a brilliant deflector.

Jennifer Niven

I want my lobster in bite-sized pieces! How dare you make me chew more than thrice?

Adam Jay Epstein

There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that’s been so for ages.(....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don’t get discouraged if I didn’t mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…

Ana Claudia Antunes

:I am Topaz,: the unicorn on the hill haughtily announced, :and this is my vale.:t:I was not aware unicorns could own vales,: Wareska linked. tThe unicorn stiffened, and even from this distance, Wareska could see her bright, golden eyes narrow dangerously. :Now you know,: she said with quiet menace.

Ash Gray

Shadowmane sighed as well. :We had better do what this Topaz commands. Unicorns are jerks when they don’t get their way.:

Ash Gray

I know nothing of magick,” the naked man said to the raven, “except what you told me.” He laughed sadly. “And I barely remember that. I tend to drift off when you ramble.

Ash Gray

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

James S.A. Corey

One must always be careful of books,' said Tessa, 'and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.' 'I'm not sure a book has ever changed me,' Will finished. 'Well, there is one volume that promises to teach one how to turn into an entire flock of sheep-' 'Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry,' said Tessa, determined not to let him run wildly off with the course. 'Of course, why one would want to be and fire flock of sheep is another matter entirely,' Will finished.

Cassandra Clare

My princess," began Mara, then found she could not speak the crushing phrases. "His Highness sends his warmest regards," she finished.She had the satisfaction of seeing Ianni's face come back to life; the great dark eyes lost their look of suffering and turned hopefully toward the king. Mara turned to him too, well-pleased with her merciful little lie. But one look at his startled face froze the blood in her veins. What a fool she was! Of course, he had understood every word she said. "Son of Pharaoh, live forever!" she gasped. "I crave pardon-- I could not believe you meant to wound this princess, however lowly--""You mean you forgot that I could understand," retorted Thutmose.

Eloise Jarvis McGraw

Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…

Tom Magliozzi

Ian was too Captain America for my taste.

Gloria Craw

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston S. Churchill

The number of times he'd had to pinch his nose to keep his soul in so that he'd make no noise while peering through the parlor keyhole...

Emma Trevayne

As he pulls away from her, his gaze meets mine, and we stare at each other for one long moment before I slowly raise my left hand and give him the middle finger.

Deanna Chase

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!

Ron Chernow

Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.

Bobby Darnell

Some women nodded, others shook their heads. I would have killed myself before I let one of them move into my house. Would you Helen? Would you really?

Kristin Hannah

I have the reports from Gemson and Boyd,” Syn replied. His boots were up on the corner of his desk as he reclined back in his chair, skimming the contents of the file.“How are they?” God asked. He removed his leather coat and draped it over the back of his chair.“Detailed. Good,” Syn answered. He brought his feet down and gave God a pointed look.The big man shook his head, already knowing what Syn wanted. He wanted everything they knew about this case. Now.“Alright Syn. Chill out. We’re not used to you yet. But we know what it means to have a Sergeant on our team. You’re the team's go to, and have just as much command and input regarding decision making as we do,” Day responded as God stared. Day chuckled. “Tito was just as important as the other Jacksons.”Syn threw a pen at Day, which he dodged easily. Syn couldn’t help but laugh at Day’s fucked up comparison. “I’m no fucking Tito, shithead.

A.E. Via

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

Kayti McGee

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

Ilona Andrews

Lesson for young men: if you want your eventual wife to be excited about sucking your dick for forty years, don't create a generation of women who think enthusiasm about sex is a bad thing.

Anna Kendrick

You have more issues than Reader's Digest.

Rebecca McNutt

Has anybody ever told you you’re a remarkably cynical person?”“I like to think of it as learning from experience.

Benedict Jacka

Oh my God, Green,” I heard Chubs say from somewhere in the room. “Just take the damn socksand put the kid out of his misery.

Alexandra Bracken

This is one of mommy's friends, buddy," I told Gavin. (...)"You're Mommy's fwiend?" he questioned. Carter just nodded with his mouth open and no sound coming out. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even hear Gavin. Someone could have asked him if he liked to watch gay porn while painting pictures of kittens and he would have nodded his head. Before anyone could react, Gavin pulled back one of his little fists of fury and slammed it right into Carters manhood. He immediately bent over at the waist, clutching his hands between his legs and gasping for breath. "Oh my God! Gavin!" I yelled, as I scrambled over to him, bent down and turned him around to face me while my dad and Liz laughed like hyenas behind me. "What is wrong with you? We don't hit people. EVER," I scolded. While Carter tried to breathe again, my dad managed to stop laughing long enough to apologize. "Sorry, Claire, that's probably my fault. I let Gavin watch "Fight Club" with me last night." "Your fwiends got you sick the other night. You said he was your fwiend," Gavin explained, like it made all the sense in the world. This just made my dad laugh even louder. "Not helping, Dad," I growled through clenched teeth. "You don't make my mommy sick, dicky-punk!" Gavin yelled at Carter, putting his two little fingers up by his eyes, and then pointing them right at Carter just like Liz had done to him earlier. "Jesus Christ," Carter wheezed. "Did he just threaten me?" "Jesus Cwist!" Gavin repeated back.

Tara Sivec

People don’t just appear on the beach unless they’re demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It’s happened—but that’s another story.)

Rick Riordan

I love our judicial system It's where Trump's fanciful delusions go to die.

Chad Almadani

The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, “absolutely fine doctor, but I’m terribly lonely without myself.

Benny Bellamacina

If there’s one thing all diviners share, it’s curiosity. We really can’t help it; it’s just part of who we are. If you dug out a tunnel somewhere in the wilderness a thousand miles from anywhere and hung a sign on it saying, ‘Warning, this leads to the Temple of Horrendous Doom. Do not enter, ever. No, not even then’, you’d get back from lunch to find a diviner already inside and two more about to go in.Come to think about it, that might explain why there are so few of us.

Benedict Jacka

The more you exaggerate, the more you will look funny!

Mehmet Murat ildan

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Funny Quotes - Page 71

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