Funny Quotes - Page 70

Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.

Jem gave her a wistful look. “Must you go? I was rather hoping that you’d stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must.”t“I’ll stay,” Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. “I can minister angelically.”t“None too convincingly. And you’re not as pretty to look at as Tessa is,” Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow.t“How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared it to gazing at the radiance of the sun.”tJem still had his eyes closed. “If they mean that it gives you a headache, they aren’t wrong.

Cassandra Clare

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.

Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.This was not one of those times.

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Ronan's bedroom door burst open. Hanging on the door frame, Ronan leaned out to peer past Gansey. He was doing that thing where he looked like both the dangerous Ronan he was now and the cheerier Ronan he had been when Gansey first met him."Hold on," Gansey told Adam. Then, to Ronan: "Why would he be?""No reason. Just no reason." Ronan slammed his door.Gansey asked Adam, "Sorry. You still have that suit for the party?"Adam's response was buried in the sound of the second-story door falling open. Noah slouched in. In a wounded tone, he said, "He threw me out the window!"Ronan's voice sang out from behind his closed door: "You're already dead!

Maggie Stiefvater

What's a dementor?"I mean, I can't even. "Nora, you are no longer my sister.""So it's some Harry Potter thing," she says.

Becky Albertalli

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Are you a female dog?""What?" Massie asked.

Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)

Sherrilyn Kenyon

How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much." "Dick. That's not what you said last night.""Bite me.

Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?"Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?

Becca Fitzpatrick

She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.

The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.

Bertrand Russell

But that quickly faded, and he frowned. "You're bleeding," he said. "What happened?"Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. "Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else." Michael looked blank. "I'm a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.

Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

Terry Pratchett

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.

I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.

William Faulkner

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.

Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed!

Hergé

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Laurell K. Hamilton

The funniest people are the saddest ones

Confucius

Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.

Charlaine Harris

That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.

Cassandra Clare

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.

Laurie Halse Anderson

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.

Orson Scott Card

She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.

Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.

William Shakespeare

Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

Mae West

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers we get Aquatruck.

Cassandra Clare

Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?

Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..

Masashi Kishimoto

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