Funny Quotes - Page 69

Why did you tell her I'm your boyfriend? Why doesn't she know about your real one? - TimmyHe's English! And Mom...Mom hates foreigners! - Cat

Jeaniene Frost

Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.

Ilona Andrews

I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I don't know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way.

Cynthia Hand

I don't like hello. It makes me sound like I have dementia, like I've never heard a phone ring before and I don't know what's supposed to happen next. Hello?

Rainbow Rowell

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

Rachel Caine

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

Laurie Halse Anderson

Interviewer: So. Tell me about your mother.Ezra: You're taping this, right?Interviewer: Audio only. Camera is faulty.Ezra: Okay, well for the benefit of the sight-impaired, I am now raising my… oh, dear… yes, it's my MIDDLE finger at Mr. Postgrad here.Interviewer: Mr. Mason...Ezra: Now I'm wiggling it.Interviewer: Terminating interview at 13:58 on 03/19/75.Ezra: Look at it wiggl--audio ends-

Amie Kaufman

What do you think Dimitri? Is this a good idea, Dimitri? Please give us your blessing so that we can fall down and worship you, Dimitri.

Richelle Mead

One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said “Okay, I’m gonna tell you what to do. If the kid’s bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock...

Johnny Depp

She blinked. "Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?""What did... he looked like a guy. So?""A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?""I guess... Not the dog-headed guy.""I knew it!" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument."Good-looking. I knew it!"And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house. My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.

Rick Riordan

You don't want him," she said to the pink-haired girl. "He has syphilis."The girls stared. "Syphilis?""Five percent of people in America have it," said Ty helpfully."I do not have syphilis," Mark said angrily. "There are no sexually transmitted diseases in Faerieland!"”Sorry," Jules said. "You know how syphilis is. Attacks the brain.

Cassandra Clare

Whatever it is," I said, "the point is moot because as long as I'm on these pills, I can't make contact to ask."Derek ... snapped, "Then you need to stop taking the pills."Love to. If I could. But after what happened last night, they're giving me urine tests now."Ugh. That's harsh." Simon went quiet, then snapped his fingers.Hey, I've got an idea. It's kinda gross, but what if you take the pills, crush them and mix them with your, you know, urine."Derek stared at him.What?"You did pass chem last year, didn't you?"Simon flipped him the finger. "Okay, genius, what's your idea?"I'll think about it. ..."***Here," Derek whispered, pressing an empty Mason jar into my hand. He'd pulled me aside after class and we were now standing at the base of the boy's staircase. "Take this up to your room and hide it."It's a ... jar."He grunted, exasperated that I was so dense I failed to see the critical importance of hiding an empty Mason jar in my room.It's for your urine."My what?"He rolled his eyes, a growl-like sound sliding through his teeth ashe leaned down, closer to my ear. "Urine. Pee. Whatever. For the testing."I lifted the jar to eye level. "I think they'll give me somethingsmaller."...You took your meds today, right?" he whispered.I nodded.Then use this jar to save it."Save . . . ?"Your urine. If you give them some of today's tomorrow, it'll seem like you're still taking your meds."You want me to . . . dole it out? Into specimen jars?"Got a better idea?"Um, no, but ..." I lifted the jar and stared into it.Oh, for God's sake. Save your piss. Don't save your piss. It's all the same to me."Simon peeked around the corner, brows lifted. "I was going to ask what you guys were doing, but hearing that, I think I'll pass.

Kelley Armstrong

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

Laurell K. Hamilton

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

Cassandra Clare

It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.

Rachel Hawkins

Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?”“No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve been using her as a human shield against those guys with guns, and I was just about to strangle her and leave her body here to throw them off my trail. But then you showed up and foiled my evil plans. Lucky for you, though. You get to rescue poor little Chloe again and win her undying gratitude.”“Undying gratitude?” Simon looked at me. “Cool. Does that come with eternal servitude? If so, I like my eggs sunnyside up.”I smiled. “I’ll remember that.”***“Oh, right. You must be starving.” Simon reached into his pockets. “I can offer one bruised apple and one brown banana. Convenience stores aren’t the place to buy fruit, as I keep telling someone.”“Better than these. For you, anyway, Simon.” Derek passed a bar to Tori.“Because you aren’t supposed to have those, are you?” I said. “Which reminds me…” I took out the insulin. “Derek said it’s your backup.”“So my dark secret is out.”“I didn’t know it was a secret.”“Not really. Just not something I advertise.”...“Backup?” Tori said. “You mean he didn’t need that?”“Apparently not,” I murmured.Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. “You guys thought…”“That if you didn’t get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you’d be dead?” I said. “Not exactly, but close. You know, the old ‘upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication’ twist. Apparently, it still works.”“Kind of a letdown, then, huh?”“No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping.”“All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two.”He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.“Chloe? Is that you?” He coughed. “Do you have my insulin?”I placed it in his outstretched hand.“You saved my life,” he said. “How can I ever repay you?”“Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled.”He held up a piece of fruit. “Would you settle for a bruised apple?”I laughed.

Kelley Armstrong

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

Steven Moffat

Jackass, jackass on the wall, where's the info on Hex Hall?

Rachel Hawkins

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Jon Stewart

Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I’m not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom.” He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. “I feel like I need to mark my territory.” “Shut up.” “Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It’s sexy.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!

Cathy East Dubowski

So it's true what they say about warlocks,

Cassandra Clare

Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your seat if you're late.Lucas: I would probably just walk to my seat even slower. ;)

Tammara Webber

Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. "Mercy Lynne, you're cheatin' again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence.""I'm itchin' ta have some a that white cake.""That's not how you spell it." At least one of them could spell. Aunt Grace pulled one of the tiles off the board. "There's no T in itchin'." Or not.

Margaret Stohl

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

Rick Riordan

Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself - but he lacked Will's tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there.

Cassandra Clare

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!

John Green

The clock struck eleven and cat the vampire huntress was on the loose, except my battle armor was a push-up bra, curled hair, and a short dress. Yeah, it was a dirty job, but I was going to do it. Come one, come all, bloodsuckers! Bar’s open!

Jeaniene Frost

Tris," he says. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic.""That's not very nice of you to say," I say. "They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just relax-

Veronica Roth

What did Isabelle want?" Jace asked.Alec hesitated. "Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.""Sure," said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour."Alec looked puzzled. "Who's Madonna?""Who's the Queen of the Seelie Court?" said Clary."She is the Queen of Faerie," said Magnus. "Well, the local one, anyway."Jace put his head in his hands. "Tell Isabelle no.""But she thinks it's a good idea," Alec protested."Then tell her no twice.

Cassandra Clare

Whatever would give you the idea that I'm her damn brother?

Jeaniene Frost

They call me, The Sharkalator

James Patterson

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.

Amy Poehler

If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you

Cassandra Clare

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

Ellen DeGeneres

I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!

J.K. Rowling

You're insane!" she shouted."Pretty cool, huh?""No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?"Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?""More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy."Well, kind of. But you suck!

Scott Westerfeld

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Wendell Johnson

Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo.

Jeaniene Frost

So that's it?" Kenji says. "You just like him for his personality, huh?""What?""All of this," Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, "has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and him being able to touch you all the time?""You think Warner is sexy?""That is not what I said.

Tahereh Mafi

Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic? "Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that.

Cassandra Clare

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

Charlaine Harris

Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?''No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.

J.K. Rowling

My friend "M" says the irony of being a zombie is that everything is funny, but you can't smile, because your lips have rotted off.

Isaac Marion

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.

Tina Fey

Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?""Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?"That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats."Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh. "I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre."I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat."I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said.A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed.

Sarah J Maas

If we're mad, we're mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours.

Shannon Hale

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Of course you know, this means war.

Joe Adamson

I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this."My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

What's that?" he asked, when I stood beside him again."Halos," I said with a grin. "For heavenly creatures like us.""That might be a stretch.

Richelle Mead

I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--""Shut up." I shook my head and started walking.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care.

Kiera Cass

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.""Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.

Douglas Adams

I was feeling the height of bitchiness.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.

Derek Landy

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

J.K. Rowling

She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing… "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.

Ilona Andrews

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Funny Quotes - Page 69

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