Funny Quotes - Page 61

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

Bauvard

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

Jeff Foxworthy

I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.

Jen Lancaster

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Bauvard

Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Rita Rudner

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

Noel Gallagher

The Marquis sighed. "I thought it was just a legend," he said. "Like the alligators in the sewers of New York City."Old Bailey nodded, sagely: "What, the big white buggers? They're down there. I had a friend lost a head to one of them." A moment of silence. Old Naeiley handed the statue back to the Marquis. Then he raised his hand, and snapped it, like a crocodile hand, at the Carabas. "It was OK," gurned Old Bailey with a grin that was most terrible to behold. "He had another.

Neil Gaiman

She's Prim's size in diameter.

Suzanne Collins

Most aspects of my training didn’t agree with me. There wasn’t as much bossing around as I’d hoped for, and there was way too much following orders.

Rachel Vincent

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.

- Jordan Kyle Cassandra Clare

The prince set her down and dismissed his valet. The latter left with a bow and closed the door. Leaning against the wall, the prince pulled off his stockings. As he walked toward the amethyst tub, he yanked his shirt over his head.He was lean and tightly sinewed. Her little bird heart thudded.He glanced at her, his lips curved in not quite a smile. The next thing she knew, his shirt had flown through the air and landed on the cage, blocking her view toward the bathtub.“Sorry, sweetheart. I am shy.”She chirped indignantly. It was not as if she would have continued to watch him disrobe beyond a certain point.

Sherry Thomas

I'd never been a good damsel in distress. I was a "hands-on" damsel.

Jenny Trout

Oh, I'm good. Seriously, after all these years, you'd think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.

James Dashner

Pleased to meet you." Sage said, offering his hand. "The pleasure is all mine," Rayna Purred. "Unless ofcourse, it's all Clea's which is even better."Sage smiled and might have even blushed a bit, which was highly entertaining.

Hilary Duff

I'd like to thank readers. Every time you open a book, it is a strike against ignorance. Unless you're reading Sarah Palin.

Libba Bray

Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours.

Lauren Child

Harley-Davidson," she said. "Sweet.

Stieg Larsson

this was business.

Eoin Colfer

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

All right," Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. "Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?" Okay, so I'm a little distracted. "He's doing the back stroke.

Tera Lynn Childs

You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves achallenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chipcookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them.

Simone Elkeles

This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?""Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat."Almost stolen," Gracious corrected."Semi-stolen," said Donegan."Quasi-stolen," said Gracious. Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?"Donegan and Gracious hesitated."Yes," they both said together.

Derek Landy

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.

Haven Kimmel

Everything has taken on a strange, distant quality - the sounds of running and shouting outside get warped and weird like they're being filtered through water, and Alex looks miles away. I start to think I might be dreaming, or about to pass

Lauren Oliver

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

Cassandra Clare

No headboards were broken.

John Green

Why were you watching me change?" I explain. "Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.

Miranda Kenneally

Butterfly?" Will said. "Why Butterfly?" "I believe it's a term of great respect," Selethen said gravely. He was very obviously not laughing. Too obviously, Will thought. "It's all right for you," he said. "They called you 'Hawk.' Hawk is an excellent name. It's warlike and noble. But....Butterfly? Selethen nodded. "I agree that Hawk is an entirely suitable name. I assume it had to do with my courage and nobility of heart. Halt coughed and the Arridi lord looked at him, eyebrows raised. "I think it referred less to your heart and more to another part of your body," Halt said mildly. He tapped his finger meaningfully along the side of his nose. It was a gesture he'd always wanted an opportunity to use, and this one was to good to miss. Selethen sniffed and turned away, affecting not to notice.

John Flanagan

Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. "Black bear," he repeated. "It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle." "I'd guess so," Will put in. "I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible.

John Flanagan

They really hate you, yes they do. They hate everyone, how 'bout you?

Kami Garcia

I ain't never seen a creature like that before, she says. He's so smart, he's-More, like a person than a bird? I says.Yeah, she says. That's it.Whatever you do, I says, don't tell him that. I'll never hear the end of it.

Moira Young

I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursely.

J.K. Rowling

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. "How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again?

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts," he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck."Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck.

George R.R. Martin

You have the maturity of a 14-year-old boy!“ Kennedy hisses."And you have the chest of one.

Emma Chase

And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey.

Meg Cabot

Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can't feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge, but I wasn't feeling a thing and it was beautiful.

Harper Sloan

she committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm.

David Foster Wallace

Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?

Molly Harper

You said you'd give me half an hour!''And you said you'd satisfy me whenever I wanted it. I want it now.' He removed is jacket. 'Drop the towel.''I-I never agreed to be naked!

Kresley Cole

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

Libba Bray

There's a tavern by the docks. He's there most evenings.""Then I'll talk to him tonight," Halt said."You can try. But he's a hard case, Halt. I'm not sure you'll get anything out of him. He's not interested in money. I tried that.""Well, perhaps he'll do it out of the goodness of his heart. I'm sure he'll open up to me," Halt said easily. But Horace noticed a gleam in his eye. He was right: the prospect of having something to do had reawakened Halt's spirits. He had a score to settle, and Horace found himself thinking that it didn't bode well for this Black O'Malley character.Will eyes Halt doubtfully, however. "You think so."Halt smiled at him. "People love talking to me," he said. "I'm an excellent conversationalist and I have a sparkling personality. Ask Horace. I've been bending his ear all the way from Dun Kilty, haven't I?"Horace nodded confirmation. "Talking nonstop all the way, he's been," he said. "Be glad to see him turn all that chatter onto someone else.

John Flanagan

Setting out around midnight, I couldn't help shaking my head, "We're the goddamned hottest vampire hunters ever." I muttered.

Richelle Mead

You're dropping the bow hand as you release," he called, although Halt certainly wasn't.His mentor looked around, saw him, and replied pithily, "I believe your grandmother needs lessons in sucking eggs.

John Flanagan

Aaaaw," squealed Iko. "Did Wold just say he loves Scarlet? That's so cute!"Scarlet cringed. "He did not - that wasn't -" She balled her fists against her sides. "Can we get back to these soldiers that are being rounded up, please?""Is she blushing? She sounds like she's blushing.""She's blushing." Thorne confirmed, shiffling the cards. "Actually, Wolf is also looking a little flustered -

Marissa Meyer

Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.

Lili St. Crow

Demon pox, oh demon poxJust how is it acquired?One must go down to the bad part of townUntil one is very tired.Demon pox, oh demon pox, I had it all along—Not the pox, you foolish blocks,I mean this very song—For I was right, and you were wrong!

Cassandra Clare

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

Leslie What

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

Fran Lebowitz

You have food?" Winter scolded. "I thought you said you were hungry."I'm hungry for other things besides what I have," [Clover] argued.

Obert Skye

She whistled when she noticed my back. I assume because of my injuries. I mean, my ass just isn't that spectacular.

Lish McBride

I like eggs and bacon,” George tells me. “But”—his face clouds—“do you know that bacon is”—tears leap to his eyes—“Wilbur?” Mrs. Garrett sits down next to him immediately. “George, we’ve been through this. Remember? Wilbur did not get made into bacon.” “That’s right.” I bend down too as wetness overflows George’s lashes. “Charlotte the spider saved him. He lived a long and happy life—with Charlotte’s daughters, um, Nelly and Urania and—” “Joy,” Mrs. Garrett concludes. “You, Samantha, are a keeper. I hope you don’t shoplift.”I start to cough. “No. Never.” “Then is bacon Babe, Mom? Is it Babe?”“No, no, Babe’s still herding sheep. Bacon is not Babe. Bacon is only made from really mean pigs,George.” Mrs. Garrett strokes his hair, then brushes his tears away.“Bad pigs,” I clarify.“There are bad pigs?” George looks nervous. Oops.“Well, pigs with, um, no soul.” That doesn’t sound good either. I cast around for a good explanation. “Like the animals that don’t talk in Narnia.” Dumb. George is four. Would he know Narnia yet? He’s still at Curious George.But understanding lights his face. “Oh. That’s okay then. ’Cause I really like bacon.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

Is that all you bought?” His eyes shot to the left. “Um.” I clenched my teeth. “What else?” “A Super Mega Juicer,” he said quickly. “But, Sabina, seriously that juicer is a miracle machine.” “I’m a vampire, Giguhl. The only liquids I drink are blood and alcohol. I don’t do juice.

Jaye Wells

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

Samuel Beckett

Wow, is that Katniss making out with Yoda?

Becky Albertalli

I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. "For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon." "Poor thing," I said. "It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly. "Shut up," Sam said pleasantly.

Maggie Stiefvater

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Ilona Andrews

He shook his head. He didn't know. He couldn't tell when he had woken fully. He walked to the horses. They definitely seemed alarmed. But then, they would. After all, he had just leapt to his feet unexpectedly, waving his saxe knife around like a lunatic.

John Flanagan

Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manch

Patrick Ness

The guy thought he was Mick Jagger. I felt bad for him.

Kami Garcia

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Funny Quotes - Page 61

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