Funny Quotes - Page 60

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon.

Becca Fitzpatrick

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Check thyself before thy wreck thyself.

Tyler Oakley

We must, we must, we must increase our bust.

Judy Blume

Once upon a time, fairy tales were AWESOME!

Adam Gidwitz

Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem.Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening. Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru [long silence from the other end of the phone]Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you Hatori Sohma: No I was simply too amazed by your stupidity to say anything.

Natsuki Takaya

S'mimasen," Alyss said repeatedly as they brushed against passerby. "What does that mean?" Will asked as they reached a stretch of street bare of any other pedestrians. He was impressed by Alyss's grasp of the local language. "It means 'pardon me,'" Alyss replied, but then a shadow of doubt crossed her face. "At least, I hope it does. Maybe I'm saying 'you have the manners of a fat, rancid sow.

John Flanagan

Halt," said Horace, "I've been thinking..."Halt and Will exchanged an amused glance. "Always a dangerous pastime," they chorused. For many years, it had been Halt's unfailing response when Will had made the same statement. Horace waited patiently while they had their moment of fun, then continued."Yes, yes. I know. But seriously, as we said last night, Macindaw isn't so far away from here...""And?" Halt asked, seeing how Horace had left the statement hanging."Well, there's a garrison there and it might not be a b ad idea for one of to go fetch some reinforcements. It wouldn't hurt to have a dozen knights and men-at-arms to back us up when we run into Tennyson."But Halt was already shaking his head."Two problems, Horace. It'd take too long for one of us to get there, explain it all and mobilize a force. And even if we could do it quickly, I don't think we'd want a bunch of knights blundering around the countryside, crashing through the bracken, making noise and getting noticed." He realized that statement had been a little tactless. "No offense, Horace. Present company excepted, of course.

John Flanagan

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?

Holly Black

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping.

Jay McLean

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?""Nope!""Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.

Ilona Andrews

I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.

J.D. Salinger

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I’m hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I’m not, by the way. In case you were wondering.

Karen MacInerney

With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try.

Kelley Armstrong

Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her."That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?

Gina Damico

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

Bauvard

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.

Derek Landy

The woman rolled her eyes. “DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance.”Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. “Mating dance?”Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas’s body was a hard wall of heat. “I think we need to discuss this upstairs.

Nalini Singh

you think you've never been wrong before?"-alex"sure i have why just last week I bought bobbi brown sandwash petal lip gloss when the pink blossom color would have looked so much better with my complexion. needless to say the purchase was a total disaster"- brittney"ill bet"-alex."havent you ever been wrong before?"-brittany "absolutely. last week, when i robbed that bank over by the walgreens, I told the teller to hand over all the fifties he had in the till. what i really should have asked for was the twenties 'cause there were way more twenties than fifties"- alex"what a disaster"- brittany

Simone Elkeles

Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there."Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!""Thank you!"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly."Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?

J.K. Rowling

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.

Elizabeth Gilbert

His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.

C.C. Hunter

I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me,” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.

Cynthia Hand

You're Nash's brother. And a grim reaper?" She blinked again, and I readied myself for hysterics, or fear, or laughter. But knowing emma, I should have known better. "So you, what? Kill people? Did you kill me that day in the gym?" She clenched the headrest, her expression an odd mix of anger, awe, and confusion. But there was no disbelief. She'd seen and heard enough of the bizarre following her own temporary death that Tod's admission obviously didn't come as that much of a surprise.Or maybe Nash's Influence was still affecting her a little."No," Tod shook his head firmly, but the corners of his mouth turned up in amusement. "I had nothing to do with that. I do kill people, then I reap their souls and take them to be recycled. But only people who are on my list.""So, you're not...dangerous?"His pouty grin deepened into something almost predatory, like the Tod I'd first met two months earlier. "Oh, I'm dangerous....""Tod..." I warned, as Nash punched his brother in the arm, hard enough to actually hurt. "Just not to you," the reaper finished, shrugging at Emma. "I see you all the time, but you've never seen me, because Kaylee said if I got too close to you, I'd suffer eternity without my balls.""Jeez, Tod!" I shouted, my anger threatening to boil over and scald us all.The reaper leaned closer to Emma and spoke in a stage whisper. "She's not as scary as she thinks she is, but I respect her intent.

Rachel Vincent

Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you’d have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies.If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn’t bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits.

Ilona Andrews

Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered.

Gena Showalter

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

Steven Tyler

It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?”I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit?

Meg Cabot

At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.

J.K. Rowling

Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?

Breanna Hayse

Besides my professional goals, I have a couple of private ones, my man. One of those is to pet a kangaroo before I leave Australia. I understand there's lots of Eastern Grays around this area. What do you say? Are you in?'Bergman looked at him like he'd just made the worst financial investment of his life. 'Kangaroos are wild animals. I've heard they claw like girl fighters and kick like jackhammers. You're going to get your skull crushed.'Cole held up a finger. 'Or I'm going to pet a kangaroo. How cool would that be?

Jennifer Rardin

Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions.“Good book?” he asked, taking it from her and reading the subtitle, “A Guide for Good Girls Who (Sometimes) Want to Be Bad,” out loud.But life did not come with a trapdoor.

Michele Jaffe

I'd rather have rabies than be in love.""Why?""Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.

Shelly Laurenston

He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!

Rick Riordan

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

Holly Hood

What are you waiting for?" shanna asked. "He's dying! Do it!" Conner looked at Angus. "Ye do it. It was yer idea.""Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it.""I'm no' touching him." Conner said.He nudged Phineas "Ye do it.""I don't even know how!" Phineas poked at Robby. "You do it.""Why me?" Robby turned to Angus. "Ye're the expert. Ye do it."Angus grimaced. "I'm no' doing it. I hate the bugger.""Stop it!" Shanna screamed "You- Forget it! I'll do it myself.""Shanna you don't know how," Roman said."Gods blood. I guess I have to do it." "You guess?" Shanna cried "Are you going to let him die?""He threatens to kill me every time he sees me.

Kerrelyn Sparks

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Johnny Carson

Well, friend, I don’t know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody,” Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. “Have we been introduced?”“Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?”“You’re not my type, darling. Is this one yours?”“No,” Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. “Let’s say she’s a friend of the family.

Rachel Caine

You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her.Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do."What do you make, Madam ?"Many things."For instance ---"For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly ,Shrouds."The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive .

Charles Dickens

And who are you supposed to be? the King of snot-nosed delinquents?

Michael Buckley

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: "I want a spiritual teacher.

Elizabeth Gilbert

Uphill? There's nothing up the hill," Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going."As a matter of fact, there is. There's a bluff about twelve meters high, with a river running below it. The water's deep, so it'll be quite safe for you to jump." In his brief glimpse of the river, Halt had noticed that the fast-flowing water cut under the bluff in a sharp curve. That should mean that the bottom had been scoured out over the years. A thought struck him. "You can swim, I assume?""Yes. I can swim," Colly said. "But I'm going jumping off some bluff just because you say to!""No, no. Of course not. That'd be asking far too much of you. You'll jump off because if you don't, I'll shoot you. It'll be the same effect, really. If I have to shoot you, you'll fall off. But I thought I'd give you a chance to survive." Halt paused, then added, "Oh, and if you decide to run downhill, I'll also shoot you with an arrow. Uphill and off is really your only chance of survival.""You can't be serious!" Colly said. "Do you really-"But he got no further. Halt leaned forward, putting a hand up to stop the outburst."Colly, take a good, long look into my eyes and tell me if you see anything, anything at all, that says I'm not deadly serious."His eyes were deep brown, almost black. They were steady and unwavering and there was no sign of anything there but utter determination. Colly looked at them and after a few second, his eyes dropped away. halt nodded as the other man's gaze slid away from his."Good. Now we've got that settled, you should try to get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

John Flanagan

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each

Simone Elkeles

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

Ron White

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

Tommy Cooper

That really was NOT fun, though. Well, the hitting-her-with-a-stick part, that was fun. But crashing into a concrete bear? NOT fun.

Rick Riordan

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

Wallace Wang

The thought of being with Shay Wilder makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a butter knife

Lisa McMann

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Tommy Cooper

A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. "Hi," she said. "Hi." "You're really cute." "I don't have any money."She spun and walked away. Ah, romance.

Harlan Coben

Aurora sagged. "Why is it," she asked, "that every time I'm with you two we end up stealing something big?""We always return it," Donegan said, a little defensively. "Maybe not always in one piece or necessarily to the right person but return it we do, and so it is not stealing, it is merely borrowing."Gracious looked at him. "It's a little bit stea

Derek Landy

As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways.""My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with.""It's not so bad," Mom says. "You'll learn to control it.""I'll learn to control my hair?

Cynthia Hand

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.

MaryJanice Davidson

Oh please," Scout said."Don't take that tone with me. You know you'd love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to yourself," Self, I need a unicorn to run errands and such?

Chloe Neill

And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.

Joe Walker

Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

Lloyd Alexander

Her eyes went so wide they nearly bulged. It was probably wrong of me to find that amusing. Or to want to take a photo of Nicholas with his fangs out and wearing a black cape lined with red satin and then hang it over my pillow in a heart-shaped frame.

Alyxandra Harvey

We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss.Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally.

George R.R. Martin

If you're going to be a superhero, can I be your sidekick?" -April"What?" -Grace"The Dynamic Duo!" -April"Um, I'm pretty sure sidekicks have to have super powers, too. -Grace"Oh Yeah... Okay, but you can always use an Alfred." April"My Alfred?" -Grace"Oh come on Please I can help you design gadgets and stuff. Oh! I can design you outfits for crime fighting!" -April" *sigh* Okay. Sure. But no spandex" -Grace

Bree Despain

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Funny Quotes - Page 60

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