Funny Quotes - Page 58

Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Carroll Bryant

Sure. What's the worst that could happen." Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. "I can't frecking believe this."I cringed. "I'm so sorry.""I'm bald!" Giguhl continued. "I look like a freak.""It's not that bad," I said. But it was. Oh, my lord was it bad. I'd never seen an uglier cat in my entire life.

Jaye Wells

The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready it goes on because it’s 11:30.

Lorne Michaels

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?""I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.

Cassandra Clare

My tiny scary friend is coming

Laini Taylor

Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works.

Sherman Alexie

Dallas popped his jaw. “I do not cackle. I bitch like a he-man.

Gena Showalter

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

Criss Jami

Perfect,” he groaned. “You are perfect.” He sank his teeth into her ass, hard, drawing blood. “And now you wear my mark,” he finished proudly. “Your ass is mine.

Hanna Lui

Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing. So I headed over to his house and waited outside until he left. And now he’s at McDonald’s, and I’m following him to see where else he’s going.” MySpace is seriously going to be responsible for everyone losing their minds.

Lauren Barnholdt

I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture.It could rain in a room this big.

Hugh Laurie

That's so cute! They have birdbaths in the church!

Hilary Duff

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.

Brian Regan

My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy

David Wong

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever bathe again?

Benson Bruno

A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results.

James Patterson

What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospitalroom.“Holy shit!” Icka patted her head as if searching. “You think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.

Phoebe Kitanidis

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

Penelope Fletcher

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

Hannah Harrington

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

Stephenie Meyer

Wait, Richard Cheney, as in Dick Cheney? You're a vampire named Dick Cheney? Somehow, that makes you seem more evil.

Molly Harper

And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.

Jackie Kessler

He begged to know to which of his fair cousins the excellency of its cookery was owing. Briefly forgetting her manners, Mary grabbed her fork and leapt from her chair onto the table. Lydia, who was seated nearest her, grabbed her ankle before she could dive at Mr. Collins and, presumably, stab him about the head and neck for such an insult.

Seth Grahame-Smith

June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.

Rick Riordan

I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. "You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property," the ghost announced. "A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist.

Jeaniene Frost

How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I thought you were a reaper.""He's both," Nash said from behind me, and I turned just as he followed my father through the front door, pulling his long sleeves down one at a time. He and my dad had just loaded Aunt Val's white silk couch into the back of my uncle's truck, so he wouldn't have to deal with the bloodstains when he and Sohie got back from the hospital. "Tod is very talented."Tod brushed the curl back from his face and scowled.Harmony spoke up from the kitchen as the oven door squealed open. "Both my boys are talented.""Both?" I repeated, sure I'd heard her wrong.Nash sighed and slid onto the chair his mother had vacated, then gestured toward the reaper with one hand. "Kaylee, meet my brother, Tod.

Rachel Vincent

We may not be all that bright, Jace said, but at least we are alive.

Cassandra Clare

Mardi Gras, baby. Mardi Gras. Time when all manner of weird shit cuts loose and parties down.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Don't cross me Scooby-Doo. I'm not an old man in a mask waiting to be thwarted by you meddling kids.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.

Kresley Cole

I will make thee think thy swan a crow.

William Shakespeare

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Bauvard

Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.

Jennifer Lynn Barnes

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

Bauvard

What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?”“No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in a fist. “Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three.”Ty rolled his eyes and held out his fist, apparently willing to play. Julian hit his palm three times, and Ty kept time with his fist in the air. But when Julian threw a paper, Ty reached into his jacket with his other hand and pulled his gun, aiming it at Julian.“Ty!” Zane said in exasperation from the front seat.“Glock, paper, scissors. I win.”“You are an ass,” Julian muttered.

Abigail Roux

I'm a whore!"Miki hit the brakes...her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. "You're not wearing any underwear, are you?"Sara let out a strangled squeal...

Shelly Laurenston

What do you want? Where's the goddamn ice I ordered? Where's the booze? There's a war on, man! People are being killed!

Hunter S. Thompson

Kyo Sohma: One of these days I'll make you say you're sorry Yuki Sohma: looking bored I'm sorry. Kyo Sohma: Dammit That's not what I meant Don't you have any shame Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed Yes I'm ashamed to be seen with you shouting in public. Kyo Sohma: Oh that's it We're taking this outside Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed We ARE outside you stupid cat.

Natsuki Takaya

Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.

Judy Blume

Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked.

Kresley Cole

All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.

Morgan Matson

It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.

Kami Garcia

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

Douglas Adams

You're in a rather odd mood today."I'm soaking wet, Eloise."No need to snap at me about it, I didn't force you to walk across town in the rain."It wasn't raining when I left,". There was something about a sibling that brought out the eight-year-old in a body.I'm sure the sky was gray," Clearly, she had a bit of the eight-year-old in her as well.

Julia Quinn

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter.

John Green

To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king.

Susan Mallery

It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile.

Maggie Shayne

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

Bauvard

Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.

Sara Humphreys

Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake." Ash said "funny how that happens sometimes...

L.J. Smith

What a schmuck!

Lemony Snicket

And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping byforce.” She sighed, then reached up, dropping her sunglasses down fromtheir perch on her head to cover her eyes. “Do you even realize how happythe average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We’reat the mall. I want to buy you things. It’s like adolescent nirvana.”- Cora

Sarah Dessen

First blood is mine.Last blood counts for more.--Artemis Entreri and Drizzt Do'Urden

R.A. Salvatore

This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.

Jim Benton

He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off.

J.A. Saare

Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable?

Tahereh Mafi

I cook better than you," Nick corrected absently. "I think monkeys can probably be taught to cook better than you.""I'd like to have a monkey that cooked for me," said Jamie. " I would pay him in bananas. His name would be Alphonse.""I agree, that would be awesome." Mae said. "People would come for dinner just to see the monkey chef.""You're raving," Nick said, defrosting chicken in the microwave. Mae was a bit impressed with how he seemed to look at the appliance and instantly comprehend its mysteries, when she'd been heating up ready-made meals for years by a method of pressing random buttons and hoping. " I know that's the only way Jamie communicates with people, but I expected better of you, Mavis.""We're cutting out the whole Mavis thing right now, Nick," Mae said warningly."How many bananas would be good payment for a monkey?" Jamie wanted to know. " I would want to pay Alphonse a fair wage.

Sarah Rees Brennan

Who-who are you?" Seth asked, hesitantly."Wh-what do you want?" How else was was I supposed to reply? The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.I mean, I'd only seen the movie like seventeen times. "I'm Luke Skywalker," I said. "I'm here to rescue you.

Meg Cabot

Previous 1 … 56 57 58 59 60 … 84 Next

Funny Quotes - Page 58

Related Topics