Funny Quotes - Page 52

A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

Christopher Moore

Just curious,she mouthed."What? I didn't catch that."Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips."If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless'flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.

We look forward to seeing all of your Vaseline coated smiles terribly soon.

Gitty Daneshvari

Nothing says "deeply in mourning" like canapés and free beer.

If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.

He bursts into tears, and not some manlike tears either, where you pretend you're brushing something off your face and, incidentally, wipe a tear. Nope. He starts bawling like a kid who spilled his Slushie...

Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.

So you’ll have to wait for approval from your grandchildren.” “I wonder what our grandchildren will be like!” “Are you suggesting by that ‘our’ that you and I will have mutual grandchildren? Fie, Mrs. Kennedy!

Margaret Mitchell

Adam's hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It's like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist's secret laboratory

I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet,Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom,It helps not, it prevails not.

William Shakespeare

She'd been in labor for nineteen hours; I completely understood why she wanted to pass the buck. 'You are so beautiful,' her husband crooned, holding up her shoulders.'You are so full of shit,' Lila snarled, but as a contraction settled over her like a net, she bore down and pushed.

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?

Sherrilyn Kenyon

You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it." "You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter.

Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?

Is that what you were doing in my room?” he asks after a moment.I sigh. Why am I telling him any of this? “Yes. I was on assignment.”“I was your assignment?”“Yes.” He hesitates a moment, then grins. “That’s kind of hot.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

Bauvard

Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.”Mickey sighed.“What’s his story?” the wraith asked.“He’s chocolate,” Mikey said.

Neal Shusterman

What was worse, he couldn't tell her how much he thought he maybe might kinda sorta love her.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

Bauvard

Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to.

Let me get you all some punch,” I said.“You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky.“I'll be right back,” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Bauvard

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Bauvard

And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There’s clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People’s lives were saved because of what those voices told her.

Meg Cabot

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

Bauvard

If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.

Dana Marie Bell

Let me just say it out loud so we can laugh together: You're going to find Johnny Depp, take him back to Vahalal, and put him in a zoo?

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.

I won't say that you're pretty because that dog already did. And I won't say you're funny because you have had me laughing since I met you.

Melissa Landers

Again Creb grunted. It was the usual noncommittal comment used by men when responding to a woman. It carried only enough meaning to indicate the woman had been understood, without acknowledging too much significance in what she said.

STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE

Are imperfections is which make we grate.

Why not? If you're not going to let me see you naked, we might as well be girlfriends.""You're a twisted little man.""Come on, Stretch, share with the class.""No!" I laughed."Prude.""Perv.""Schoolmarm.""Some other word that essentially means perv.

Your father...isn't good with emotions.” “Yeah. Figured that out a while ago.” Like, when I was four and cried because our family cat died and he offered to have it stuffed as a means to make me feel better. It didn't.

Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? "Chinatown?" suggests someone. "Costco?" "Butcher Boys." Tracy pulls his phone from a pocket. "Hello, I'm from the university" - the catchall preamble for unorthodox inquiries.

Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone.""If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.

Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet...Ew, did you...?""Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?

Pritkin, it’s a hotel room, not a death trap!” A glance over his shoulder showed him impatient blue eyes under a fall of messy blond curls. “Anyway, you’re here.”“I can’t protect you from everything,” he forced himself to say, because it was true. It was also frankly terrifying in a way that his own mortality was not. He’d never had children, but he sometimes wondered if this was how parents felt when catching sight of a fearless toddler confidently heading toward a busy street. Not that his charge was a child, as he was all too uncomfortably aware. But the knowledge of just how many potentially lethal pitfalls lay in her path sometimes caused him that same heart-clenching terror.And the same overwhelming need to throw her over his lap and spank the living daylights out of her, he thought grimly, when she suddenly popped out of existence. “Cassie!

My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - ""I am NOT naming our child Buford...

Cassandra Clare

David tells me that fairies never say 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey'.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Bauvard

This is really good,” Donovan Caine said, attacking his third strawberry pancake. “You sound surprised,” I said. He shrugged. “I just didn’t think an assassin would be able to cook like this.” “Well, I do get lots of practice with knives. You could say I’m multitasking.” The detective froze, his fork halfway to his mouth. “I’m kidding. I enjoy cooking. It relaxes me.

It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.

E.A. Bucchianeri

I can only drive slowly.""That's all right.""And I can only do left turns."Rose ran downstairs, grabbed a road atlas, and ran triumphantly back up again. "Wales is left! Look! It's left all the way!

A human hires a hit man to kill his cousin for money, boring. That same hit man botches the job twice, funny. Then the desperate hit man sends a ghoul after the girl to finish things up, my curiosity's piqued. That same ghoul ends up with his head cut off by a mysterious redhead . . . Ah. Now I'm interested.

New Yorkers, I figured, just pretended to be unfriendly.

Jeannette Walls

A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right fo

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.

Chelsea Handler

Don't you just hate that, you meet a girl she seems pretty nice, you tell all your friends and before you know it she turns out to be a vampire, don't you just hate it when that happens?

And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)

Christopher Moore

How did I end up in this situation? I'm the district sales manager of a napkin factor. Why is my daughter in space?

Andy Weir

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