Funny Quotes - Page 51

I live on shameless flattery...and vodka...but the two usually go hand in hand.

Vicktor Alexander

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

T.J. Klune

Randy lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.

Jean Shepherd

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Carroll Bryant

I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice. It's like, an overwhelming feeling that I can't even explain.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Your perception is riveting, Amal," he says in a bored and sarcastic tone, dropping the note down on my desk. "It's comforting to know that there are people in my class who have the maturity and intelligence to make derogatory comments about other people's external appearances."Now what am I supposed to say to that?"What do you have to say for yourself?"Friggin' mind reader.

Randa Abdel-Fattah

You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.

Wendelin Van Draanen

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

Carroll Bryant

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

Jane Austen

Let every man shovel out his own snow, and the whole city will be passable," said Gamache. Seeing Beauvoir's puzzled expression he added, "Emerson.""Lake and Palmer?""Ralph and Waldo.

Louise Penny

OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It's not like I was reading books or anything.

Gary D. Schmidt

Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio!

Daniel Clowes

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Lewis Carroll

She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth...Look, there they are.

Molly Harper

Jane Jameson."He grinned. "Like the porn

Molly Harper

I reach up and pat them both on the head. "Poor things. If you had a boy that looked like Logan, you'd be kissing him every chance you had, too.

C.J. Redwine

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad."I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent. Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad."Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?" "You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.

Molly Harper

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you.""'Awkward' is the word du jour," I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?""Not quite nervous," he said. "Just unsettled."I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better.

Molly Harper

Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs.""I was curious!

Molly Harper

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--""That's very comforting, thank you.

Molly Harper

I said I was sorry, Dani..." Kevin said, as they entered the apartment."I'm so not talking to you.""I couldn't help it! She was so funny, and you were blushing, and... gawd, Dani, I couldn't help it!""You just had to get us all soft pretzels, didn't you... just had to make sure we'd walk right by that lingerie store...""Dani... it, uh, it hadn't even occurred to me-""I hate you! When I go to therapy about this, I'm going to send you the bill!""You're beautiful when your angry.""Then I must be fucking gorgeous right now!""You are.""... Well, I'm still not talking to you.

Failte

Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem," a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as we turned, his stance and movements almost synchronized to my own. We shared a look, our expressions almost identically similar, wit arched brows and half-smiles."What's the problem?" I called out, scanning the faces to see who had spoken."You're a badass supermodel," Christian muttered under his breath at the same time, taking the mature approach, as usual.

Rebecca K. Lilley

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

Dylan Moran

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.

Ellen DeGeneres

Orion nodded, then asked, “Dwarf cheese?”“Cheese made by dwarfs.”“Oh,” said Orion, relieved. “They make it. It’s not actually . . .”“No. What a horrible thought.”“Exactly.

Eoin Colfer

She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.

Stieg Larsson

Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."I groaned. That would be just like me - ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness.

Stephenie Meyer

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. "Okay, look." Deb's face was dead serious. "I know I just joined this project, and I don't want to offend anyone. But I'm going to be honest. I think you've been going about this all wrong." "I'm offended," Dave told her flatly.

Sarah Dessen

Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do," I muttered.

Jim Butcher

You guys dated, didn’t you?”“Are you insane? Not even if the continuation of our kind depended on it would I be tempted to do something so awful.

Rachel Morgan

In my opinion, all boyfriends should turn out to be secretly wealthy.

Claudia Gray

Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.

Beth Fantaskey

Look, I'm a guy. Your ass was touching my groin. Of course I'm going to pop a boner. It's a natural reaction.

Gwen Hayes

It was safe to assume he'd not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy

Simon Holt

Playboy stretched his arm, patting Carlos on the back. "Well, you know what they say: If you love someone, let'em go. If they don't come back, hunt'em down and kill'em!

Alex Sanchez

The doorbell rang, making me and Roland jump. Nikolas opened the door to admit Chris whose good-natured smile did not falter even when he saw our grim faces. Then he saw Remy. I didn’t think I had ever seen someone’s eyes go that round before. Roland shoved a glass of Nate’s whiskey into Chris’s hand while Nikolas brought him up to speed on all he had missed.

Karen Lynch

The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?"Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful.""Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats.

Cassandra Clare

The Princess BrideS. Morgenstern'sClassic Tale of True Loveand High AdventureYou had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it.

William Goldman

Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared.

John Green

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

Criss Jami

I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.

Laurell K. Hamilton

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.

Mark Twain

Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me.

Tad Williams

I will not stand here to be insulted by you, hedgepig," Mangiz fumed."Then stand somewhere else and I'll insult you there, featherbag!!

Brian Jacques

Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.

Kathy Reichs

Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself.

J.K. Rowling

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.

Andrew Smith

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns.

David Wong

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.

Molly Harper

Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other," he muttered as I hefted myself up from the ground.

Molly Harper

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.

Gian-Carlo Rota

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast. "What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?Too harsh?

Molly Harper

I offered you a choice, and you took it."I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber?

Molly Harper

And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.

Gary Paulsen

So what's your team called?" asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, "We're called the Winmates because we're inmates who win." Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression for signs of delight. "You gave yourselves a name?" asked Constance. Now it was Kate's turn to be baffled. "You didn't? How can you have a team without a name?

Trenton Lee Stewart

If there's a sexier sound on this planet than the person you're in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don't know what it is.

Julie Powell

Otulissa swelled up to twice her normal size. 'Well, SPRINK ON YOUR SPRONK!

Kathryn Lasky

I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I was honest that way. I sat back, squared my shoulders, and met her eyes, all confident-like."Mom, meatloaf's like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. It should be outlawed, frankly, and serving it for dinner is like child abuse and should carry with it some pretty stiff penalties.

Hayden Thorne

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you.

Terry Pratchett

Fuck," Ranger said.Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..

Janet Evanovich

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Funny Quotes - Page 51

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