Funny Quotes - Page 5

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it's biodegradable.

Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too.

Matshona Dhliwayo

If you want to say, Lucia, there is no inside of the park benches, I won’t argue with you. But, then you have to say where the pigeons come from.

If God had a wife He would be in just as much trouble as any man.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Ani'sike :-Askin one to not to break my heart is burden to them with biggest responsibility , n risk of ma life ;) , so I never let any one carry my heart :P -Anikethana Happy B :) Y

Happy COUPLES are those who have passed both chemistry and physics!

put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.

Life and death played out before my very eyes. You don't see these things if you clean your room regularly.

[I] put my hand in front of her finger, thinking, 'She’s a magician; it might be loaded.

If you have time today, so let's show you some strange stone.

Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.” I started back down the alley. “Truthfully, it’s not you I’m so much worried about as your ass. It’s like the Eighth Wonder of the World or something. Be a shame to deprive future generations of Dreamers, don’t you think?” My stomach rumbled. “Come on, I’m starving.” A snort escaped him. “Nice to know you care.” I patted my belly and shrugged. “Yeah, well. A girl’s gotta have priorities.

Please follow these instructions:1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly. 2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder. 3. Smack yourself over the head with it. 4. Repeat. You complete ass.

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Boyfriend?”Her cheeks heated. “Yes.”“Funny name.”“What?” She frowned. “Ernest is a perfectly nice name.”“Oh, I thought I heard you call him Ermine.

Jay bent over the table, and the muscles in his arm stood proud as he drew the cue back. In one swift motion, he sent it cracking into the white, the other balls soon spinning across the green felt.“Your turn,” he handed her the cue, eyes glinting wickedly. “Need me to look after your end? Of the pool cue, I mean.” “I'm quite capable of looking after my own end, thanks,” Kayla replied archly, and quickly ran the chalk over her cue. “I know the importance of taking care of the tip.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

Fakeer Ishavardas

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

Fakeer Ishavardas

Hell freezing over? I don't know. But the devil's definitely wearing a sweater.

J.R. Moehringer

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I wish you well - if you will die. May you rest in peace.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I fear it is the end for us,’ wailed Marx as the bears inched closer. ‘Is this the way you saw yourself going. Pirate Captain:‘In fact,’ said the Captain grumpily, ‘it’s pretty much the exact situation I usually try to cheer myself up with when I’m in a bit of a fix. “At least you’re not about to be eaten by bears and/or fall into a replica volcano,” I tell myself. So now I’ve got to come up with an even worse scenario, which is a nuisance.

In his time the Pirate Captain had made a number of dramatic entrances of his own – not always intentional it had to be said, as quite often they were the result of him accidentally setting himself on fire – but even he had to admit that Cutlass Liz’s dramatic entrance set an extremely high dramatic-entrance standard.

It’s not really my fault. The problem is that my mouth just comes out with these things. And you can’t blame me for what my mouth does, can you? Curse this mouth. Do you think it might be possessed?'The Pirate Captain looked in the mirror and made his mouth into a series of shapes he thought looked demonic.

The Captain was wearing his best blousey shirt, his beard was gleaming in the early morning light and he’d polished all his gold teeth. As he strode manfully towards the shore, the only thing that could have make him look even more heroic that he already did would have been the theme to Flash Gordon playing in the background, but it was a hundred and seventy years too early for that.

If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.

I got this delicious bottle of perfume called Fabreze

Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise.

When I was dating, my girlfriends and I used to say, ‘Don’t cry in front of him before date three.’ ”“Cry?” I echoed, frowning.“Yeah. Guys gets skittish when you cry.”“I don’t think I have to worry about that one.”“You don’t cry?”“I don’t make it to date three.

Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present.

...and yes that was meant to be interpreted in a sarcastic bubblegum tone complete with clapping and jazz hands.

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance.

This is an awesome(probably not very famous) one liner in hindi on engineers. I could not stop myself: Aamir Sarfraz (aamir rajput khan)"Chaar saal lagte hai insaan ko engineer banne mein phir chahe wo puri zindgi laga rahe dubara insaan nahi ban sakta"Translation in English:"It takes four years for a uman to become engineer after that even if he tries for whole life he can't become human again

Aamir Sarfraz (aamir rajput khan)

Now I am shut up with his mother on Bramble farm and she is no better for conversation than prune whip

I need the ting but not ting ting ting

Sreeram Mandikal Sreenath

At this moment, I know that the answer has to be yes. I am defeated. By my own father. How Darth Vader.

My mother-in-law belongs in Hell, but the devil is afraid she’ll end up taking over.

Matshona Dhliwayo

That's what gets converts these days," Baron said. "It's a buyers' market in apocalypse. What's hot in heresy's Armageddon.

China Miéville

Yer a wizard, Harry!

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so your

Brandon Sanderson

being funny is actually all about thinking "what if ?" in a creative way.

Lindsay calls them the Pugs: pretty from far away, ugly up close.

Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three.....and so on.Nesta

Oh my, you big stud, your dancing boobs have enchanted me with your hypnotic sexual magnitudeness.

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

Shit down your computer, and restart.

Around about now, young John Owen comes out of the shack lugging my old musket from the War. At six years of age, our youngest boy already knew his business. Not a word, just brings the shooting iron somewhat closer so's he don't waste powder, then hoists her up, set to haul back on the trigger. I believe his plan was to shoot this feller, get the story later.

Peter Matthiessen

There is no such complicated situation which people could not make more complicated.

When I was, like thirteen I thought it would be really cool to be a prostitute... I Thought It was like handsome guys would take you out on these romantic dates and you´d fuck them and then they´d pay you...

Life is not complex at all when we do not think about it.

The main proof that you actually do not exist is that nobody ever criticizes you.

I curse when I get really upset. Letting off steam that way makes me feel a little bit better. I've been through a lot, but I have never had the urge to go postal. I thank fuck for that.

Oliver Markus Malloy

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Can we at least avoid the cannibals? I prefer not to vomit when screaming for my life.

How ’bout you take this Cajun injector here,” I say, gripping the steel rod in his shorts, “and give me a shot of protein instead.

Heather M. Orgeron

I love your hairless chest.” She nuzzled his pecs. “So smooth and sculpted. Like a marble manslut statue.

Is there any difference between a happy and a lucky man? A happy is someone who finds an oasis with drinking water in a desert. A lucky man will always find water.

By studying human history, we can realize how much of human stupidity has fallen on fertile ground. Is gravity guilty for such an occurrence too?

The Captain’s boat inspections were always pretty slapdash, because they mainly just involved him looking at the ropes and planks and barnacles and then nodding to show that he approved of whatever they happened to be doing.

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