Funny Quotes - Page 46

- Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?- I work occasionally. It's just that the BJs are much more exciting.

G.A. Hauser

It’s been so many years since I actually had a date that I’ve forgotten how to act. You don’t mention your ex when you’ve finished fucking your date it’s poor protocol

Scarlet Blackwell

101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.

Summersdale Publishers

He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.

Toni Andrews

Well, well, well," said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well," replied Pavel, not to be out welled.

Cuthbert Soup

Just shut up and talk. - Shella

Krista Alasti

He says black, I say white and we do grey

Lazaro Hernandez

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself.

Victor Gischler

I'm not sure whether to be relieved she didn't hurt you or diappointed. Now he's going to think he got away with that junk." -AbbyI wouldn't say that. He got a stern talking-to, but he already made great progress with his groveling lessons." -Sam""Ill show you exactly how much progress I've made the next time I get you in a shower." -Noah"I'm gonna kill him! Did you hear that? You have to let me kill him." -Graham"Stay right where you are. There will be no killing. I thought I made that clear to everyone last night. Don't make me go over it again!" -Missy

Christine Warren

That is a horrid temptation to put before a man who is forbidden to make vigorous movements,” he said. “Is it really?” she said. “No wonder Miles did not approve. He looked daggers at me.” “Maybe his face froze that way,” Rupert said. “He was looking daggers at me a few hours ago. Do you think he suspects?” “I think he knows ,” she said. “I’m glad I don’t have a sister,” he said. “I should have to get over my aversion to killing people.” -Rupert and Daphne

Loretta Chase

This is the final book about Brian

Gary Paulsen

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

Christina Dodd

If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.

Elizabeth Hand

Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me.

Katie MacAlister

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.

Richelle Mead

Dylan, while he is in the shower and he and Joss are only seperated by the curtain and his invisibility:Dylan: "Maybe if you would come in here and scrub my back it would speed things up."Joss: "I'm not invisible."Dylan: "I know this.

Susan Bischoff

I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?

Janet Evanovich

She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that?

Laura Ruby

This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.

Adam Rex

I tore off another chuck of muffin and stared down at my chest. I shrugged and dabbed the muffin in the cum and popped it in my mouth. "I can't believe you just did that!" "Yeah," I snarled up my lip, "didn't quite think that one through all the way.

Ethan Day

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

Jennifer Ziegler

I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.

Kjersti Annesdatter Skomsvold

Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.

Jennifer Colgan

Rose's work of art took her all day, including two playtimes, story time, and most of lunch.At the end of school it was stolen from her by the wicked teacher who had pretended to be so interested."Beautiful- what-is-it?" she asked as she pinned it high on the wall, where Rose could not reach."They take your pictures," said Indigo,... when he finally made out what all the roaring and stamping was about. "They do take them.... Why do you want that picture so much?" he asked Rose."It was my best ever," said Rose furiously. "I hate school. I hate everyone in it. I will kill them all when I'm big enough.""You can't just go round killing people," Indigo told her...

Hilary McKay

Bella,leave the aggressive stuff to me." My heart quirks in my chest. I may not like this guy but that sounded so hot. "Um..." Focus,focus. "What?

Jenny B. Jones

We found it!" Charlotte yelled, as they ran back through the house. "We found it, we found it!"Eddie, Mr. Mallery, and Colonel Andrews came from separate directions, converging in the front hall. Miss Charming was hopping up and down, her bosom nearly rising to slap her own forehead.

Shannon Hale

Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer.

Maureen F. McHugh

You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.

Ethan Day

Good so be would you if, duff plum of helping second A," said the Bursar. The table fell silent. "Did anyone understand that?" said Ridcully. The Bursar was not technically insane. He had passed through the rapids of insanity som time previously, and was now sculling around in some peaceful pool on the other side. He was quite often coherent, although not by normal human standards.

Terry Pratchett

Jackie had now changed her tune, clinging to me as if she liked it. “I’m irresistible, brother, he’s swapping sides for me.”“I can’t fight it any longer,” I said, nonchalantly.Wade shook his head at us. “I’ll be sure to pass this news along to your husband, sis.”“He can have the kids,” Jackie said, causing everyone to chuckle.“We insist,” I tossed in.

Ethan Day

The room fell silent. I frankly didn't know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help, all that he'd done would crumble.Plus, I like being called his only hope. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Tod Goldberg

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

Chelsea Handler

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.

Ivan Stoikov

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles

Sarah Phillips

Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners.""And to cleaning," Michael said."Look who's talking, Didn't the do one of those Animal Planet documentaries about the roaches in your room?

Rachel Caine

Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.

Rachel Vincent

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well.

Terry Pratchett

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

Jim Davis

It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.

Isabel Lopez

Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.

Melinda Chapman

I’m not your boyfriend!” I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.“How can you say that?” Sara asked in horror.“It’s shockingly effortless,” I replied. “My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking.” I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.“When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don’t have to knock like some guest?” Sara asked, coming at me again.I backed away. “How about never? Is never good for you?”Sara, undeterred, said, “You’re the reason I go to therapy on Fridays.”“The plot thickens!” Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief.

Laura Kreitzer

Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to

Jenny Trout

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.

Anna White

WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.

Harriet Evans

Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?""Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed."What if he's not your type?""Then we'll only hook up in dark places.

Con Riley

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It’s certainly safer than keeping it in the bank!

Nicole McKay

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

Terry Pratchett

I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!

Terry Pratchett

Adamant," Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. "We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail.""Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer," Newel speculated. "Too much money, not enough talent.

Brandon Mull

You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn't,it just makes them dead.

Joe Walker

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

Chelsea Handler

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

Jennifer Ziegler

Getting into a fight with a popular senior. Pissing off a school teacher and the local chief of police. Hanging with two major-league losers." She slapped my back. "Welcome to high school.

Harlan Coben

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Jeff Valdez

This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!

Molly Harper

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff.

M. Beth Bloom

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.

Shannon L. Alder

We men had a meeting a long time ago, and we all decided, 'It's trousers'. And that's what we've worn ever since.

Lisa Kleypas

How are we going to get out of here?""Oh, escape is easy once you have the right

Derek Landy

It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.

Gauri Jhangiani

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Funny Quotes - Page 46

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