Funny Quotes - Page 38

You are Bellman, aren’t you? The genius who sent the sauna ape after me?” Harry nodded toward the Finn.

Chocolate cake and a diamond ring? In bed with the man of my dreams?

She giggled. Giggled. Her cheeks pinked, and goddamn, if this plane didn’t get to the gate and un-board them, he was going to pull the emergency hatch.

Cristin Harber

God, woman.” He closed his fist, not bothering to count off the dozens of other things she shouldn’t do. “You give me heartburn.”“No. Those are orgasms I give you, baby.

Cristin Harber

Holy swoonballs!

Cristin Harber

My ex wants to come and rescue me.’‘Too late! I already rescued you. Who does this guy think he is?

Brynn Kelly

Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema? Do I do both? Do I do the abdominal message or the colonic? Do I tell the doctors about each other? East meets West in Gilda's body: Western medicine down my throat, Eastern medicine up my butt.

Gilda Radner

Comedians can turn laughter into tears and back again.

Anthony T.Hincks

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

Douglas Adams

He shook his head at himself as he walked out into the night. For guys, life was nothing but one big pissing contest. It was a pure damn wonder women didn't take over the world while men were busy trying to prove who had the biggest dick.

Tami Hoag

I glanced over to where Seth looked like he wanted to bang his head against the wall. “Hey.”The blond continued to smile, while his friend continued to stare at me.Seth sighed again. “The one grinning like he’s crazy is Deacon, and the other one is Luke.”“We’re friends of his—of Seth’s,” Deacon threw in, and Seth did not look like they were friends.“This is Josie,” Seth continued. “Please don’t be weird and scare her.”“Be weird?” Deacon rolled those gray eyes. “Ha. Whatever, dude. All you need to know about me is that I’m like a dolphin in a sea of less-smart fish,” he announced, spreading his arms with a flourish.Luke turned to him slowly as his eyebrows inched up his forehead. “What?”He shrugged. “Just saying I have a lot in common with dolphins. They’re smart. I’m smart.”Seth rubbed his hand down his face.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Seth joined the group of very stern-looking men, and they immediately started talking, their voices too low for me to hear, but it didn’t stop me from trying. I learned fairly quickly that I sucked at reading lips. Everything looked like they were saying “tomatoes” or “I love you” and I doubted that was what was being said.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

And the way he follows you around all the time. It's like he's been taking pointers from your dog.

Jasmine Walt

How about this,' I said. 'We modify our plans with regard to ongoing facts as they become known to us, then remodify them as the situation unfolds. 'You mean make it all up as we go along?' asked Perkins.'Right.

Jasper Fforde

How can it not exist? What does that—” A tiny grey body shot in front of the Land Rover. “Squirrel!”Mad Rogan swerved to the side, trying to avoid the suicidal beast. The SUV hit a curb and jumped. For a terrifying second, we almost flew, weightless. My heart leaped into my throat. The heavy vehicle landed back on the pavement with a thud. The squirrel leapt into the grass on the other side.I remembered to breathe. “Thank you for not killing the squirrel.”“You’re welcome, although now I want to go back and strangle it.

Ilona Andrews

He chuckled into my hair. My body decided this would be a fine moment to remember that his body was wrapped around mine and his body was muscular, hard, and hot, and my butt was pressed against his groin. Cuddled up by a dragon. No, thank you. Let me off this train.“If you keep wiggling, things might get uncomfortable,” he said into my ear, his voice like a caress. “I’m doing my best, but thinking about baseball only takes you so far.

Ilona Andrews

In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.

Reductress

What are we talking about again?” he asks.I say science at the same time that he says love, and we both laugh.“What are the ingredients?” he prompts me again.“Mutual self-interest and socioeconomic compatibility.”“Do you even have a soul?”“No such thing as a soul,” I say.

Nicola Yoon

Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - "it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it."Fart.... what?

Ilona Andrews

Valérie: "You know, you don't need to be a lesbian to be a feminist. Nor do you need short hair to be a lesbian. Or a feminist.""Yes, but helps, doesd't it?" Astrid counters

Clémentine Beauvais

It seems Washinoo didn't mind being kidnapped by lunatics. He remained with Yoshitsune until the very end.

Pamela S Turner

When he smoked marijuana he tended to masterbate a great deal.

David Foster Wallace

Kale's usually picky about who drives his car, 'he says, smiling again. 'But in this case, I don't think he would mind''Well, technically, it's no longer his car, I point out.He tilts his head slightly. 'Touché.

Gwen Cole

Get used to gaps in your comprehension,” said Sabetha. “The rest of us certainly have.

Scott Lynch

If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll show them exactly how multifunctional the utensil can be.

Jennifer Ellision

One of the multitudes of exboyfriends had been a country music fan and left Gemma with an unfortunate passion for Tammy Wynette. It was like, Cat thought, he’d given her herpes.

Liane Moriarty

I once had a patient who was convinced that his head was full of sea water and a crab lived inside. When I asked him what happened to his brain he told me that aliens had sucked it out with a drinking straw."It is better this way," he insisted. "Now there's more room for the crab.

Michael Robotham

Is that sex talk?" she asked uncertainly."It is.""Why don't you just say sex then? It's always chalice and appetite and artifice with you. I never know what the hell you're saying.

R. Lee Smith

Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door for four minutes, then waiting another ten, she decided she’d probably have to find someplace else to crash today She wished she’d taken the time to actually have a few friends.

A. Lee Martinez

And didst thou imbibe mighty potions from the fruit of the grape (...)? And hast thou one Ache, this morning (...) appertaining unto Head, and much repentance in thy Soul forsooth?

Patrick Hamilton

This is your last chance to go home, son.” It was the loudest I’d heard him speak.I froze.Cock, meet jeans. Jeans, please contain cock.

J.A. Rock

Anything else you want to discuss before we begin?”“Who cuts your hair? You should run them through with their own thinning shears. You have a wonderful face, and so much wasted potential for—” He stepped forward and grabbed my ear. “Ow!

J.A. Rock

The first time I heard you laugh, I only wanted to say funny things so you would always be laughing. You know what happens to chocolate when you leave it out in the sun? I’m that unfortunate chocolate and you, you are the laughing sun. For this reason, I am offering myself to you not as a martyr or some selfless fool, but as a self-indulgent moth who actively pursues the light without much fear for the flame. The moth who revels in the heat and declares: Burn me.

Kamand Kojouri

She tried to ignore that, this close to the man, he had the overpowering chemical scent of a manly shower gel. The sort that normally came in a black bottle, and was called something like SHOCK or EXCITE or BLUNT TRAUMA.

Maggie Stiefvater

So close now, Alec could read the make on his wetsuit, see the individual grains of sand that dustedthe black material, the drops of water trembling on the points of his hair. Now or never. But Alec couldn‟t,couldn’t. Could he?He stood up. “Stop!” His mouth dried out as the surfer‟s dark, dark green eyes looked into his, startledand curious. Suddenly he felt an absolute fool. He was inviting a good kicking, at least. But damn it, a mancouldn‟t always be afraid.“Don‟t go past. Please. Sit down and drink with me. If you go past… If you go past, I think I‟ll die.

Alex Beecroft

I knew I was in love with The Hunger Games when I did not want to get off the treadmill

Roxane Gay

Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.

John Chaplin

Nana's French knickers were surely a symbol of liberty and abandonment, worn only by women who didn't care for conventional frills or superficial nametags. Those french knickers were flags blowing in the wind, like a statement of victory.

Diana Janney

That's easy," Russell said. "Because everybody else in this here place is crooked as a dog's hind leg. ...

Les Standiford

Shelly looked around the jamb again as though whatever animal that had been terrorizing her had a weapon. “That doesn’t look like typical rat shit. You may be right. This needs to be handled right now. You’re a lesbian, get in there and do battle.” “What does being gay have to do with trapping a squirrel?” “Two women live together, who kills the vermin?” Shelly asked with a hand on her hip. “The pest control people, that’s who.” “Butch up and get your ass in there. I won’t tell anyone if you scream like a five-year-old girl.” “I’m a femme lesbian, which puts me in the same class as you.” Ryann pointed to her face. “Note the makeup. Besides, you were the one who always played in the dirt and rode horses.” “There weren’t any squirrels in that dirt with me! I’ll pick up a bug or a frog, I even handled a grass snake once, but I do not deal with rodents.” Ryann leaned against the doorjamb and stared into the room. “It’s most likely under the couch. Where’s Grant?” “After-school detention for piercing his and the noses of his friends with pushpins.” Ryann stared at her in horror. “What is wrong with your kids?

Robin Alexander

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

Mitch Albom

A chubby vole sat as guardian between the two sections, making sure the hoi polloi didn't get any ideas above their station. His name was Harold, and the most important thing he had learned in his life, as far as he was concerned, was that it was entirely possible to sleep with one's eyes open, or at least open enough to deceive passersby, if one was willing to put in a bit of practice. True, it wasn't as good as a full-on nap, but any degree of slumber was better than waking. As far as Harold was concerned, the biter part of existence lay in those little moments of oblivion that preceded the last.

Daniel Polansky

You thought?" The landsknecht glanced at him piteously. "With what, I wonder? If you swallowed a cockroach with your soap, dolt, you'd have more intelligence in your guts than in your head.

Sapkowski

Anxiety felt like a grapnel anchor had been pickaxed into your back, one prong in each lung, one through the heart, one through the spine, the weight curving your posture forward, dragging you down to the murky depths of the sea floor. The good news was that you kind of got used to it after a while. Got used to the gasping, brink-of-heart-attack feeling that followed you everywhere. All you had to do was grab one of the prongs that stuck out from the bottom of your sternum, give it a little shake, and say, “Listen, asshole. We’re not dying. We have shit to do.

Krystal Sutherland

Boric, feeling dizzy and light-headed, shambled toward Randor’s corpse, which was still making an impressive effort to pump blood to Randor’s head. His head unfortunately lay some three feet away — an insurmountable distance for even the most robust circulatory system.

Robert Kroese

Last time I saw her, she was peeking out from one of the bookcases next to the fireplace. She's the first cat I've ever seen trying to pretend she's a condensed version of War and Peace.

Ellen Hart

He had intended his address to be somewhat more comprehensive than this but was forced to cut it short, having been stabbed between the ribs with a broadsword.

Robert Kroese

He pointed at the paper. “I want you to write me a description of every foot you’ve put wrong since we met. Make sure I can read your writing. You have five minutes.”Write about every foot I’d put wrong. I peered down at my feet.I started to write: My left foot is a size eight point five. It has a high arch, and my big toe is longer than my second toe. There is a light smattering of hair on the top of my foot. I paused and stuck my left leg out, studying my shoe. Right now I am wearing Nike Frees for m—“Bring me your paper.”I glanced at my paper. “I’m not done yet.”“One . . . two . . .”I brought him the paper.

J.A. Rock

Gus leaned back in his chair, appearing satisfied."Good," he said. "Cause Maggie's all the nightmare I can take."I smiled. "Gus, I never knew you dreamed of me." He gave me a one-fingered salute

Jessica Shirvington

Stop trying to make everyone happy. You're not tequila.

Emmy Rossum

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

Isaac Asimov

Have you ever or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage, or in terrorist activities, or genocide? I think we can put a big yes down for all of the above.

Claire North

Apollo watched me closely, intently. “No.”My eyes narrowed. “No to what?”“I’m not sending you after them. Not yet,” he said, surprising me into silence—a rarity. “I have another task for you. You need to leave for southern Virginia immediately. I’d snap your sunshine-and-rainbows ass there, but now that you’ve annoyed me, you’ll drive the twenty or so hours to get there.”Okay. That was irritating, but I kind of liked road trips, so whatever. “What’s in southern Virginia?”“Radford University.”I waited.I waited some more, and then sighed. “Okay. You want me to enroll in college?” I asked, and Apollo tipped back his head and laughed so loudly, he actually whooped. I frowned. “What the hell is so funny about that idea?”“You. College. Using your head. That’s what’s funny.”I was seconds away from blasting him with akasha.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

I pick up Dylan. He certainly takes after his father: about three-quarters of his body weight seems to be head, and three-quarters of that is ears.

Ken Jennings

I've got a Don Baylor," J.T. said."California sucks this year."Ralph snickered. "I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street.

Jodi Picoult

So what do you think the physical effect was?"Roman Laughed. "Buddy," he said, "she was tripping.

Jodi Picoult

Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!

Taeko Watanabe

Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?’ I asked.‘You cannot take these flowers,’ said Zoran. ‘They belong to the government.

Doug MacLeod

In school we chanted, along with our teacher, I am the Captain of my fate, I am the Master of my soul, and meanwhile, within my own body, an anarchic insurrection had been launched by one of my privates- which I was helpless to put down!

Philip Roth

Surely my lord will not hide his beautiful white legs!" exclaimed Infadoos regretfully. But Good persisted, and once only did the Kukuana people get the chance of seeing his beautiful legs again. Good is a very modest man. Henceforward they had to satisfy their aesthetic longings with his one whisker, his transparent eye, and his movable teeth.

H. Rider Haggard

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Funny Quotes - Page 38

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