Funny Quotes - Page 37

I always thought it's way more important to be funny or to be honest than to look any certain way

Do you remember—”“Fuck, yes.” Merrick stood. “And if you’re telling this story, I’m getting the bottle.

The thing Tedros liked about girls is that they always started the conversation. Most of the time, his job was just to listen, ask questions, and try to understand what in God’s name was going on in their complicated little heads. He rarely had any idea what girls were talking about or why they made everything so torturous in their logic, so playing the role of the strong, silent type usually gave him time to catch up.

What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.

Jackson Lanzing

You’re a talking cat?” Endora asked with a look of disbelief on her face.“My, my, my, aren’t you the bright bulb of the bunch,” he replied with a bit of snarky smugness. “Tell me then, bright-bulb, do you suppose that I need your permission to talk just because I’m a cat?” He raised his paw to his face, admiring his newly gnawed manicure. After he observed the last nail, he slapped his paw down on the floorboards, making a low thud sound. “Because I don’t,” he smirked.Endora was taken by surprise at his rudeness. She stared back at him, speechless and not quite sure how to respond. “Are you a magic cat?” Mila busted in with a question that seemed as silly to her as to the cat.He glared and narrowed his eyes at her. “A magic cat,” he said, standing up to arch his furry back. “Is my talking some sort of magic to you? If it is… then I am.” He stretched his back higher and let out a long purr that turned into, “Purrhaps, you four little witchy girls should clearly refine your meaning of magic so you know what it means before you say the word magic.” “I rather am quite fond of talking cats,” Selena said with a big smile. “Of course, you’re the first one I’ve ever seen.”The cat narrowed its eyes tighter. “Indeed,” he said, letting out a yawn as if the whole conversation were a bore. He leapt off the porch and dash away, mumbling and grumbling his way down the corridor. Selena looked over at Endora. “Rude little snot, isn’t he?” she said.

Lunch makes me feel a bit better.

Suzanne Collins

A drunken but exceedingly depressed German clown from Munich entertained the public.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Nothing was ever where Cole wanted it to be.

I'm realizing that some of my greatest (or at least most determined) genius lies in my ability to procrastinate.

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

Tell me, what's the difference between tracking a wild beast and securing a husband?

Shari L. Tapscott

I should need to be a herd of elephants, I thought, and a wilderness of spiders, desperately referring to the animals that are reputed longest lived and most multitudinously eyed, to cope with all of this.

Go to sleep, dweller-baby. I’ll kill Elowin as soon as we find her.” He didn’t sound like he was kidding. Each word was low and laced with truth.“Next time, just say like … sleep well, or something normal,” I said. “Not go to sleep, I’ll be murdering someone in no time. It doesn’t sound as comforting as you think it does.

Is there something going on between you and Matias?”“No!”“Okay, I may not have a truck load of fancy degrees but all I can say is… liar, liar, I’m seriously thinking of grabbing my blow torch and setting your pants on fire.

Quiet,” she hissed at me, her voice shockingly aggressive for such a small person. “Otherwise, I’ll shut you up myself.

I was just thinking that it would be nice if, for once in a while, life made things easier,” I told him, feeling annoyed. “Why does life have to throw impossible tasks at us all the time for crying out loud?” At hearing my debate, Luna huffed.“Because life’s a bitch,” she growled under her breath, sulking. “That’s why.

I was going to become a human sand burger.

It was as if she was a wannabe Persian cat who had just tasted sour milk.

Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: ‘repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my life’ list, which currently contained fainting and my ability to find trouble.

Of course they were eaten,” he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. “Trolls generally aren’t exactly renowned for being vegetarians.

Well…it’s whether you want to face certain death by taking a risk on the other route or almost certain death by scaling the walls?” she replied. “Therefore, for me, considering our options, it’s a no brainer.

How do you want me to give you that warning?” he added, grinning. Sweat rolled down his chiselled back and he wagged his eyebrows suggestively. “It comes with two settings. One that reads: ‘danger – too hot to handle’ or ‘danger – don’t get too close or you’ll get burnt.

Man I’m hot,” I exclaimed, fanning myself. The combination of climbing out of the cave and the sun meant that I was perspiring like crazy. “Why thank you,” retorted Blaine, smirking. “I’m pleased that my presence causes that kind of reaction.

Yeah. Of course I can do simple math. I graduated high school, ya know.”“What an accomplishment. No one has ever done that before.

No one knew how old she was, but she vaguely remembered waving to President Coolidge. She still had all of her marbles, though every one of them was a bit odd and rolled asymmetrically.

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores.

Charlie waves me on, then leans an elbow on his chair. Propping his head up with a finger by his te

Little James Herondale, age two, was in fact holding a dagger quite well. He stabbed it into a sofa cushion, sending out a burst of feathers. "Ducks," he said, pointing at the feathers.

Cassandra Clare

You're baking?""Yes.""It's almost midnight.""I specialize in late-night kitchen disasters.

Jenna Evans Welch

We play and tease, but―darn it―he has not dragged me into the rain and kissed me senseless yet. And that's how it's supposed to happen. I know; I read romance novels.

Shari L. Tapscott

This is nice,' Melody said, picking up a red leather box with a vintage watch inside.'Yes, it is nice. It's the watch I gave Walker as a wedding gift.''He gave it back?''Actually, he sold it back to the person I bought it from who alerted me and I reacquired it.''I'm sorry. That sounds upsetting.''It was. Very. Especially since he sold the watch to buy combs for my long hair and without knowing what he had done I sold my hair to buy a leather case for this watch.

Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney

Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.

It seems the only thing that can rob you of your formidable powers of inquisition is the sight of me without a shirt on.

Caine

You are amazing," she said. "And you make a very handsome elephant.

She wasn’t the only one who was overjoyed.Deacon had launched himself at Aiden—Aiden saintly St. Delphi—nearly knocking him backward, over a fallen pure. The brothers hugged, oblivious to those fighting around them. Other than their eyes, they absolutely had nothing in common.Which was why I liked Deacon.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Sirens blasted, breaking the silence and spinning me around. The shrill sound was all too familiar, and I snapped into action. Vicious excitement replaced the restlessness, and I knew just how screwed up that was, but right then? Oh yeah, I could use a fight. Yesterday in the quad had been child’s play.Grabbing the Glock loaded with titanium bullets, I hooked it into the holster and fit it around my thigh. I snatched the daggers off the dresser and headed out the door, not even bothering with grabbing a shirt.I came to a complete stop as Josie’s door swung open.What in the holy fuck were Alex and Josie doing together? For just a few seconds, the three of us were literally frozen, staring at each other as the sirens blared overhead.And then Alex broke the silence.“Really?” she said dryly, eyeing me with a smirk. “You’re going to fight with the awesomeness of your six-pack as a weapon?”I arched a brow. “Yeah, you know, I was going to test out the whole abs of steel theory thing. The gun attached to my thigh and the daggers in my hands are just props. Mainly for show. Don’t want to take away from the gloriousness that is my body, though.”Her smirk flipped into a grin. “Whatever.” She started forward. Up ahead, a tall figure stepped out in the hall, and light glinted off the titanium daggers in his hands. Aiden. Of course their room had to be close to mine.Of. Course.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Oh, everything is fun when I’m around.” Hercules’s knees knocked into the back of my seat as he leaned back. “This one time, when I was ordered by the gods to . . .”I could only think of three words.Fuck. My. Life.“You should drive, because I’m going to end it all. Once we’re on the freeway, I’m going to jump out of this vehicle and throw myself in front of a Mack truck.”Josie’s laugh cut off her yawn. “That’s a little excessive.”Adjusting the sunglasses I’d stolen from Aiden yesterday morning, I smirked. “I do not think anything is excessive when it comes to him.”“But that won’t even kill you.”I sighed. “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’ll knock me unconscious for the time being.

Jennifer L. Armentrout

The Problem is Not the Problem.The Problem is Your Attitude Towards the Problem

Captain Jack Sparrow

Back in medieval times, " I said, "we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid."Meg flinched. "Isn't that dangerous?""Very.""And you *healed* with it?""It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then.

I put a knife in your hand and your first instinct was to stab me.""You tried to stab me first," I objected without thinking.

I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.

Vann Chow

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

Meg, what I'm about to do - never, ever try this on your own." I felt a bit silly giving this advice to a girl who regulartly fought monsters with golden swords, but I had promised Bill Nye the Science Guy I would always promote safe laboratory practices.

The big knight fell heavily to the ground, and lay there, as nearly dead as possible. His servants came running from the castle and took him in. He got better in the end, but nobody cared much about that.

Roger Lancelyn Green

Holy mama llama. That’s Nathanial Stone. Nathanial Stone is sitting in my booth. Nathanial Stone is in the Finewhile Diner sitting in my booth. I’m supposed to wait on Nathanial Stone. I’m going to make a fool out of myself. I just know it. I can feel it coming. Crap.

D.L. Hess

He’s so fucking unconventionally perfect. I don’t know whether I want to kick him in the balls or lick his face.

Heather M. Orgeron

I want to rip the rest of those buttons open and climb him like a monkey in a banana tree. Oh God, what I would do with his banana...

Heather M. Orgeron

She’s not ready and maybe she never will be, but I won’t stop trying. I’ll be patient if it kills me. I can just see it now. Cooper Hebert died of blue balls and a broken heart.

Heather M. Orgeron

You’re stupid. First of all, I need for you to know that.” “Uhhh, thanks?” “That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. What could possibly be more romantic than the man of your dreams swooping in like a white knight? This is your fucking fairytale, bitch, and you’re about to let it slip away...” Gina growls in frustration. Add a note

Heather M. Orgeron

I find blow jobs to be highly respectable. In fact, I can’t think of many things I respect more than your lips around my cock.

Heather M. Orgeron

I can't believe he stabbed the guy. Eight years old. I'm the most irresponsible kidnapper ever.

Often we have to remind our minds that the job of asshole is already taken.

It was weird, ’cause there we were in Italy listening to people singing in German. The music was nice, though, and there was this guy dressed up like a parrot. If you’d asked me a year ago to guess what opera was like, I’d never have guessed it had guys dressed as parrots. I might’ve wanted to go and see some sooner if I’d known. It was a sweet story, ’cause he met this girl who was dressed as a parrot too, and they got off together.

I look around, hoping I can postpone the indignity of stuttering like a lunatic in front of the sexiest man alive – according to People magazine, twice – while giving him crazy eyes. Of course, everyone looks like they’re taken care of. Except for Mr. Sexypants, major Hollywood actor, Nathanial Stone, Sir.

D.L. Hess

American girls shivered and quivered at the Aussie accent whispered against their bodies.

You’re gorgeous. You’re sexy. You’re … asking me to cut that dress off you? I’m praying for strength.

This many pretty girls in the room, all watching you boys like you’re a wedding-reception one-night stand waiting to happen—

Power comes at a price, love," Veliss replied through bared teeth, maintaining the smile she offered to the townsfolk lining the square."What power?""All power. The power to rule, to kill, or, in your case this fine morning, the power to incite the lust of the old goat you're about to meet.""Lust? I have no desire to incite lust in anyone."Veliss turned to her with a quizzical expression, her smile suddenly genuine. "Then I'm afraid you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.

Thirty-four, still undecided on a name, sat practicing his Realm tongue with Draker, although much of the lesson seemed to consist of the correct use of profanity. "No," the big man shook his shaggy head. "Pig-fucker not fuck-pigger.

It's a shame I'm going to be forced to commit severe testicular trauma upon that boy

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