Funny Quotes - Page 36

Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)

Rick Riordan

I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations.

Rhiannon McGavin

Amren,” Rhys drawled, “sends her regards. And as for this one … ” I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. “She’s mine,” he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. “And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head.” I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. “And once Feyre is done killing you,” Rhys smirked, “then I’ll grind your bones to dust.

Sarah J Maas

I’m alive,” he groaned. “But I’m not doing a very good job of it.

Merrie Haskell

And turnips - endless ruptured turnips.

Merrie Haskell

Perrotte frowned. “I’d like to turn a plowshare into a sword ,” she said. “I’d cut our way out of those thorns, and then use it to run my enemies through—” She bit off her next words and swallowed them. Sand stared at her, aghast. She met his eyes, defiant. “What? You don’t like bloodthirstiness?” she asked. “Pardon? No. I’m horrified that you would dull a sword on that thorn brake. I could make you some pretty good hedge shears.

Merrie Haskell

The truth is . . . Well, the truth is the truth, and thus worth telling, but sometimes truths are so complicated that it’s exhausting to get them out in the right order.” He glanced up at her. That sounded like an evasion if ever she’d heard one. She raised an eyebrow.

Merrie Haskell

Saint Melor’s father was Saint Meliau.”“Was everyone in Bertaèyn a saint, back in the day?”“Everyone who didn’t murder anyone, maybe,” Perrotte said.

Merrie Haskell

The shrine I prayed at not to go to university,” Sand said.“I guess your prayer was answered,” Perrotte said.Sand strongly considered throwing something at her—but there was nothing to hand that wasn’t sacred.

Merrie Haskell

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

K.J. Charles

What?” he asked in a low voice.“You looked like you spent your last joy bill.”He hissed, “What does that even mean?”“I don’t know. I was just trying it out.”“Well, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t make sense. And anyway, I’ve got plenty of joy bills. Loads.”Helen said, “What’s happening there on your phone?”“A very small joy debit.”His older sister’s smile shone brightly. “You see, it does work. Now, did you or did you not need to get out of that room?”Gansey inclined his head in slight acknowledgment. Gansey siblings knew each other well.“You’re so welcome,” Helen said. “Let me know if you need me to write a joy check.”“I really don’t think it works.

Maggie Stiefvater

How did you get into the castle, Alexandre, son of Gilles Smith?” Sand shrugged. “A saint kidnapped me from his shrine and put me into a fireplace here. So I guess the answer is, a miracle of Saint Melor. Or so I think. He has not told me.” “If you are trying to antagonize him, you are doing a good job,” Perrotte whispered. Sand scuffed his shoe at her. “I’m just telling the truth!” “You’re very good at telling it in the most maddening way possible.”“Thank you?

Merrie Haskell

You’re not mending anything, remember, Sand? The hedge.” He paused and shook his head at himself. “And Perrotte’s away for a few minutes, and you’re talking to yourself again.

Merrie Haskell

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would* have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. It would be hard to be deader without special training.

Terry Pratchett

I gather you weren't keen on going back to Scotland with your brother at this time of year. I don't say I blame you. Terribly bleak and cutoff in the winter.""Oh no, Mom," I said, as her words sunk in. "My brother is not going back to Scotland. He and my sister-in-law are going to the Riviera."The Riviera? I had no idea.""For my sister-in-law's health. She's feeling rather frail at the moment.""I don't think that frail would ever be a word to describe your sister-in-law," the Queen said, looking up with a half smile on her lips as a tray of coffee was reeled into the room."I managed to have six children without making a fuss. One just got on with it.

Rhys Bowen

Well, aint this a kick in the dick!

Genocider Syo (Touko Fukawa

I’d like to say I’m not dressed up for anyone in particular, but that would be a lie.

Lisa Daily

When I think about books, I touch my shelf.

Unknown

Is the princess still in the fitting room?""Oh no, darling. She appeared about half an hour ago. Poured herself a black coffee, and looked longingly at the cakes. That child is starving herself if you ask me. Now she's definitely too thin. European men do like a woman to have a little meat on her bones.""And Prince Nicolas, have you seen him recently?""I haven't seen him since lunch. I gather he and Antone went out to shoot. And I expect Max went with them. They're only happy when they're shooting something. Apart from sex of course." "Mother!" I gave her a warning frown. My mother glanced around at the other women, who were tucking into their tort with abandon. "They won't understand. Their English is hopeless, darling. Besides, it is about time you are acquainted with the facts of life. I've hopelessly neglected my duty in that area. Men only have two thoughts in their heads. And those are killing or copulating.""I'm sure there are plenty of men with finer feelings who are interested in art and culture.""Yes, darling. Of course there are. They are called ferries. And they are quite adorable. So witty and fun to be with. But in my long and varied life I've found that the ones who are witty to be with are no use in bed. And vice versa.

Rhys Bowen

Don't worry, Sean. You're still hot even in the hospital gown," Sandra said."Don't lie out of pity, Sandy. No one can look hot in these," Flora scolded. A gleam came to life in her hazel eyes. "Wait, are these the type that opens in the back? In that case would you get up and close the blinds over there for us?

rainbowbrook

I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese.

Gail Honeyman

I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.

Ilona Andrews

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)

Gail Honeyman

My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.

Gail Honeyman

Roarke didn't quite make it to Eve's office. He found her down the corridor, in front of one of the vending machines. She and the machine appeared to be in the middle of a vicious argument."I put the proper credits in, you blood-sucking, money-grubbing son of a bitch." Eve punctuated this by slamming her fist where the machine's heart would be, if it had one.ANY ATTEMPT TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.The machine spoke in a prissy, singsong voice Roarke was certain was sending his wife's blood pressure through the roof.THIS UNIT IS EQUIPPED WITH SCANEYE, AND HAS RECORDED YOUR BADGE NUMBER. DALLAS, LIEUTENANT EVE. PLEASE INSERT PROPER CREDIT, IN COIN OR CREDIT CODE, FOR YOUR SELECTION. AND REFRAIN FROM ATTEMPTING TO VANDALIZE, DEFACE, OR DAMAGE THIS UNIT."Okay, I'll stop attempting to vandalize, deface, or damage you, you electronic street thief. I'll just do it."She swung back her right foot, which Roarke had cause to know could deliver a paralyzing kick from a standing position. But before she could follow through he stepped up and nudged her off balance."Please, allow me, Lieutenant.""Don't put any more credits in that thieving bastard," she began, then hissed when Roarke did just that."Candy bar, I assume. Did you have any lunch?""Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know it's just going to keep stealing if people like you pander to it.""Eve, darling, it's a machine. It does not think.""Ever hear of artificial intelligence, ace?""Not in a vending machine that dispenses chocolate bars.

J D ROBB

The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature.

Gail Honeyman

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

Criss Jami

I do not think, Prospero,' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

John Bellairs

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

John Bellairs

Everyone is a Butthole.

Ted Aramac

I take my food very seriously. Whenever I hear that bell, I know Mrs. Norris is hankerin' for some spam.

Sandy Ward Bell

In my defense, the Easter Bunny is the weakest link in magical lore. I mean, you have to admit that the whole thing is ridiculous. A giant rodent who sneaks into people's homes at night to leave eggs filled with candy? How in the world is that symbolic of the Easter celebration?

Autumn Doughton

He picked up the sketchbook, turning it so she could see his work - a gorgeous rendition of a stone bridge they'd passed, surrounded by the drooping boughs of oak trees."You could sketch me," said Emma. She flung herself down onto her seat, leaning her head on her hand. "Draw me like one of your french girls.

Cassandra Clare

Assad whistled a few notes of one of his native country's melancholic songs. It sounded as though he was whistling backwards

Jussi Adler-Olsen

Matias frowned. Damn, he’d had a vision of this gorgeous woman naked? He hadn’t thought he could despise his memory loss any more than he did, but the hits kept on coming. Wait. The blonde had said vision... as in the future? “We’re fated to have sex?” “No!” Quinn shook her head so quickly and vehemently that her teeth all but rattled.“You sure? You can’t seem to stay away from me.” He looked down at their close proximity. “I knew I should have left you to rot in the psych ward strapped to that bed.”Matias frowned. He was having a hard time keeping up with the conversation. “Kinky. Or is that another dream you had starring yours truly?

Jane Cousins

She was smart like that, and lucky like that, and people loved the hell out of her. They didn’t love the hell out of me; they ran the hell away from me. It wasn’t like I was a bad person or anything, I just … had a lot of accidents. I didn’t mean accidents like I ate glue and then peed myself on a regular basis. I just tripped more than usual, and accidently set things on fire more than what would be considered ‘normal’. I got kicked out of the village school only one moon-cycle before graduation for accidently making one of the teachers bald. How do you accidently make someone bald? That’s a good question. All you really need is a bucket of warm tar to accidently toss onto the back of their head. How do you get a bucket of warm tar? You don’t go looking for it or anything—or at least I didn’t. It was just sitting on the road outside the school and I thought I should carry it inside to ask what it was.

Jaymin Eve

At this point I'm sure he's more plastic than person, but most people who hate wrinkles become Daleks over time, anyway.

Ashley Poston

I don't have a hot date. I don't even have a lukewarm date.

Sarah Morgan

The fish is that perfect, amazing guy it can never work out with—you know, a bird and a fish may fall in love—but where would they live? . . . So the fish is your total dream guy, he’s smart, he’s handsome, he gets all your jokes, he loves to talk, he gives you a nine-hour orgasm and then makes you homemade chocolate chip pancakes and serves you breakfast in bed—but he lives all the way across the country and neither of you can move, or he’s married, or next in line for the throne, or he has a terminal disease or something . . . the fish.

Lisa Daily

Ah, well, when you explain it like that, it seems obvious," said Mudge. "Of course, it always seems obvious once it's been explained.

Theodora Goss

listen carefully, as this may be something of a shock to you." "A shock? You mean all that was just the precursor?

Marissa Meyer

Close your eyes!""You can't kiss me from down there, Wylan." "Just do it!

Leigh Bardugo

I try very hard to be annoying! Don't insult my ability to annoy!

Rick Riordan

Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. "You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung.

Teresa Medeiros

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home

Eric Cartman

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home.

Eric Cartman

You should really smile more Miss.” “Smiling Is overrated.” my voice as sharp as a knife, my voice deadpanned, as I sulked at the wall.

Shayla Orick

I’d never heard of a rain check before, but hoped it was something storm rescuers bought bags of souvenirs for their kids with.

Amber McRee Turner

Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.

Eoin Colfer

I saved you,” Andersen said at last, slowly but firmly, like Pat was an idiot child who had to be reminded of the basic rules of the universe. To wit: Gravity exists. Time purports to flow in a linear fashion, but it’s only trying to fool us. I saved you.

Alex Gabriel

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime — especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender’s deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance.

Alex Gabriel

When D's cabin caught fire, D was out of the country. Half the town-Christians and drinkers alike-came out to fight the fire and loot the cabin. There were individual piles of loot, and fights over the piles. "That's my pile." "The hell it is, it's mine.

John McPhee

Not that I can think of. In fact, I have never met anyone who didn’t like gargoyles.

Shayla Orick

Funny is always a good way to start when in doubt

Ocean R Stark

My phone buzzed in the center console again."What's happening with this thing?" Dad grabbed it."Dad, really?" I didn't want him to see the texts between Dash and me. Awkward."He says he knew it."The traffic opened up, and I went right on Sunset. "Please don't scroll.""Knew what?""I have no idea, and I'm driving. So forget it for

C.D.Reiss

I thought you came down right on the side of go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

Cassandra Clare

When did you get that?""The shirt? At Macy's. Winter sale.

Cassandra Clare

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me. And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.”“But murdering me, that’s all good?

Trevion Burns

There is nothing more American than buying a Japanese car on the 4th of July

Johnny Corn

Merrick and I had both had tattoos, my magpie and his elephant and castle, imposed on us as…it’s a long story. A reward, or apology, or both, from the Dragon Head, or grand master, of one of the larger criminal organisations in China after we accidentally saved his son’s life.”“Accidentally?”“It’s a VERY long story.

K.J. Charles

Previous 1 … 34 35 36 37 38 … 84 Next

Funny Quotes - Page 36

Related Topics