Funny Quotes - Page 34

The first time you went out, you became mixed up with a group of radical political terrorists.”“That could have happened to anyone!

Lisa Kleypas

You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.

Jayne Higgins

I’ve got money!” Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. “I mean, I don’t know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I’ve got a ton of cash! It’s in a hat box under my bed! I’ve got a bright red Lexus in the garage, I’ve got my engagement ring upstairs, it’s real gold… there must be something we can trade off with…”“You can’t bribe me away, I’m afraid,” said Mr. Azrael. “Money means nothing where I come from.

Rebecca McNutt

You’re not worried about being compromised, are you?” he asked. “Because I’ve already done that.

Lisa Kleypas

Haven't you ever heard of pornographic gibberish before?

Cassandra Clare

When people ask me what L.A. was like in the sixties, I tell them there wasn't as much terrible stucco as there is today: no mini malls with their approximation of Spanish two-story buildings, no oversized SUVs bulging out of parking-space lines. What used to say "Spanish-style" is now something diseased looking. Nobody seems to know how to stucco anymore.

Kim Gordon

Bang! The end of his little finger, now, and three more pieces of the rest. His middle finger was down to the knuckle, almost. Severard stared, his eyes with with horror, his breath coming short, fast gasps. Shock, amazement, stunned terror. Glokta leaned down to his ear. 'I hope you weren't planning to take up the violin, Severard. You'll be lucky if you can play a fucking gong by the time we're done here.

Joe Abercrombie

I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it will NOT work.

Thomas Edison

My heart’s so light it floats and carries me so my feet don’t walk. I sing all day and I don’t mind the washing, and that’s how I know I’m in love. Completely smitten with My Lord the cat.

Shannon Hale

... where there's one there's ten.'That's crazy math.

Emma Donoghue

Le Tub is a Miami oceanside restaurant that uses old bath tubs and toilets as decoration. If you're really lucky, you get a table by the water where you can see the manatees as they swim by. Someone once told me that it was one of Oprah's favorite restaurants, but seriously, Oprah has a lot of favorite things--it all sounds like lies at this point.

Tarryn Fisher

I put the photo in an album called Mortifying Emotional Moments, and I title it Soggy Napkin Note. The last selfie I posted in there was of me on the day I graduated college. My perfectly made up face is happy ... relieved. I called that one: Sallie Mae Can Suck It.

Tarryn Fisher

You’re not exactly up for the Humanitarian of the Year award, so save your altruism for someone who can't see through you like cellophane.

Rebecca McNutt

In the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive me what I’m about to do.”“Forgive you wha—”My sentence was cut off as he clamped his mouth over mine, kissing me deeply....“Ready to make a scene?”He raised an eyebrow. “Do I have a choice?”“Not really. To quote something someone said to me recently, in the interests of friendship, I hope you’ll forgive what I’m about to do.” I drew back my hand and slapped him across the face. The smack of flesh striking flesh echoed through the hall. Conversations stopped as people whipped around to stare at us. Raising my voice to something just below a shout, I snarled, “You asshole!

Seanan McGuire

As we sat there, the door opened, just barely, and a hand slid inside and dropped a set of keys on a side table."Thanks, Garrett!" I called out.He gave me a thumbs-up and closed the door."How do you suppose he knew we were performing sexual favors on each other?" I asked, snuggling against my man again."Possibly because you screamed my name about seven times.

Darynda Jones

Once upon a time, Jack wouldn't have been caught dead in a princess rescue.

James Riley

After an hour the score was: Quancita—34 Radiz—51 Sally—froglegs Perla—9 a

Joel N. Ross

Why would any writer in her right mind ever consider making a movie instead? That's like going from being a monk or a nun to serving as a camp counselor for hundreds of problem children.

Amy Tan

I meditate; therefore, you live.

Neo Shamon

I’m meeting the attic before I meet the girl.

Colleen Hoover

What a nickname. Teenagers can be so cruel. I’m embarrassed to be one of them.

Colleen Hoover

Are you okay?” “Yeah.” “Good,” she said, “because if you fall off a skyscraper, I’ll be so mad at you.

Joel N. Ross

Are you . . . lost?” “Not really,” she told him. “We just don’t know where we’re going.

Joel N. Ross

What are you doing?” I asked Loretta. “Stabbing a cushion,” she told me.

Joel N. Ross

It's time to laugh at your nightmares and have nightmares of your laughter.

Melita Tessy

A survey was done on people who LIE, but the results were unreLIEable

Joseph Julius Bonkowski Jr.

Keep moving!” “Bea’s arguing with the floor.

Joel N. Ross

We’re alive!” Swedish told her. “I did not see that coming.

Joel N. Ross

Google and ye shall find.

Neo Shamon

Did Cap’n Vidious leave that? He is such a cuddlebunny.” “Yeah,” I said, “that’s exactly how I’d describe him.

Joel N. Ross

You know what to do?” “Wander around,” I said. “Until I spot a self-assembled whangdoodle from the Foggy depths.

Joel N. Ross

Did you just call me ‘sweetie’?” I asked. She shoved my shoulder. “No.

Joel N. Ross

Well, the bad news,” Swedish said from the wheel, “is that Chess still thinks he’s funny.” “What’s the good news?” Loretta asked, leaning on our little copper-tubed harpoon. “That Kodoc dropped a bomb on the city?

Joel N. Ross

Now you’re listening to Swedish ?” I asked her. “He thinks I’m the Compass because every time I see ticktocks, I happen to be there!

Joel N. Ross

It seemed that, after contact with a few human generations, sand hogs would begin to understand human speech. The irony was that after coming to understand their riders fully, the beasts often ended up abandoning them and heading off into the wilderness.

Neal Asher

Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time.

Julia Quinn

It never ceases to amaze me how many people think I kill for fun.”“Don’t y

Karen Chance

I'm just going ahead and say what everyone else here is thinking.This has got to be the weirdest fucking wedding that has ever happened.

Jessica Gadziala

All the latchkey children cursed and smashed bottles, teased about underwear, and puffed on those unfiltered cigarettes that only the cowboys could roll.

Bremer Acosta

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously.

Criss Jami

Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all.

Ian Frazier

That wasn’t so bad,” I decided, after downing the shot. Maybe I was getting my rhythm. “Because you threw it over your shoulder,” Scarface told me, looking smug. “Did not.” I looked behind me, only to see an outraged vamp with fey wine dripping down his face. “Oops.” “It was for luck,” Ray said defensively, wrapping both my hands around a glass. “Drink!” I drank.

Karen Chance

Most often when I stammerThat's my brainCorrecting my grammer.

Joyce Rachelle

No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.

Christopher Moore

There are men and gods, and beings like Pythagoras.

Pythagoras

Mom,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “Listen to me very carefully, okay? And don’t freak.”“Dez, do not start a conversation like that. It doesn’t instill me with any amount of confidence—especially when it comes from you.

Jus Accardo

She let out a strangled laugh. “Yeah, that’s how it works. I just woke up one morning and was like, ‘gee, I want to screw Kyler.’ Seriously, you have no clue.

Jennifer Armentrout

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board.

Stephen King

Isn't it funny that they say most girls have daddy issues, when really, every dude does?

Amy Schumer

And why was I sitting on the curb? I honestly didn’t know, but it was better than being inside my apartment, all alone. And yeah, I was alone out here, but it didn’t feel that way. I was pretty sure there was a squirrel over by the tree, so that counted for something, right?

Jennifer Armentrout

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

Edgar Rice Burroughs

Your wit never ceases to underwhelm me.

A.E. Kirk

I want gifts and Christmas music. I don’t care how many Draziri are out there. They won’t take Christmas from me.”“Yes, but we don’t have a suitable male,” Orro said. “And only one dog.”I looked at him.“What is this Christmas?” Wing asked.Orro turned from the stove. “It’s the rite of passage during which the young males of the human species learn to display aggression and use weapons.”Sean stopped what he was doing and looked at Orro.“The young men go out in small packs,” Orro continued. “They brave the cold and come into conflict with other packs and they have to prove their dominance through physical combat. Their fathers teach them lessons in the proper use of swear words, and the young men have to undergo tests of endurance, like holding soap in their mouths and licking cold metal objects.”Sean made a strangled noise.“At the end of their trials, they go to see a wise elder in a red suit to prove their worth. If they are judged worthy, the family erects a ceremonial tree and presents them with gifts of weapons.”Sean was clearly struggling, because his head was shaking.“Also,” Orro added, “a sacrificial poultry is prepared and then given to the wild animals, probably to appease the nature spirits.”Sean roared with laughter.

Ilona Andrews

It was going to be our job to annoy someone?” “I know—it’s a dream come true!

Joel N. Ross

I still didn’t turn. Instead, I just listened really hard. I couldn’t tell where he was standing anymore, but I could sense that he was still there somewhere. Well obviously … because he didn’t exactly jump out of the window.

Jaymin Eve

I had heard of Virginia before only in passing, a "crazy ex" with whom things had not ended well. I was accustomed to this lazy shorthand for men who dislike the emotions of women.

Alana Massey

That spot was taken," Kara sat up to look at them. Stylized, short, black hair with bangs. Piercing blue eyes. Proper posture. Lean. It was Oliver. "I don't think a bag counts as a person," he smiled down at her.

Alexis Tiger

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

@She is really really so beautiful there,' said Assad.Carl glanced at him. Apparently a woman's appearance was a particularly valuable factor in his assistant's world-view. But Carl agreed with him.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

She was a bitch,' Carl suddenly heard somebody say in the background, and that apparently refreshed everyone's memory.yes, thought Carl with satisfaction. It's the good stable arseholes like us who are remembered best.

Jussi Adler-Olsen

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Funny Quotes - Page 34

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