Funny Quotes - Page 33

Were you planning to jump off?"“Not on pizza day. Never on pizza day, which is one of the better days of the week.” I should mention that I am a brilliant deflector.

Jennifer Niven

I want my lobster in bite-sized pieces! How dare you make me chew more than thrice?

Adam Jay Epstein

There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that’s been so for ages.(....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don’t get discouraged if I didn’t mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…

Ana Claudia Antunes

:I am Topaz,: the unicorn on the hill haughtily announced, :and this is my vale.:t:I was not aware unicorns could own vales,: Wareska linked. tThe unicorn stiffened, and even from this distance, Wareska could see her bright, golden eyes narrow dangerously. :Now you know,: she said with quiet menace.

Ash Gray

Shadowmane sighed as well. :We had better do what this Topaz commands. Unicorns are jerks when they don’t get their way.:

Ash Gray

I know nothing of magick,” the naked man said to the raven, “except what you told me.” He laughed sadly. “And I barely remember that. I tend to drift off when you ramble.

Ash Gray

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

James S.A. Corey

One must always be careful of books,' said Tessa, 'and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.' 'I'm not sure a book has ever changed me,' Will finished. 'Well, there is one volume that promises to teach one how to turn into an entire flock of sheep-' 'Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry,' said Tessa, determined not to let him run wildly off with the course. 'Of course, why one would want to be and fire flock of sheep is another matter entirely,' Will finished.

Cassandra Clare

My princess," began Mara, then found she could not speak the crushing phrases. "His Highness sends his warmest regards," she finished.She had the satisfaction of seeing Ianni's face come back to life; the great dark eyes lost their look of suffering and turned hopefully toward the king. Mara turned to him too, well-pleased with her merciful little lie. But one look at his startled face froze the blood in her veins. What a fool she was! Of course, he had understood every word she said. "Son of Pharaoh, live forever!" she gasped. "I crave pardon-- I could not believe you meant to wound this princess, however lowly--""You mean you forgot that I could understand," retorted Thutmose.

Eloise Jarvis McGraw

Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…

Tom Magliozzi

Ian was too Captain America for my taste.

Gloria Craw

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston S. Churchill

The number of times he'd had to pinch his nose to keep his soul in so that he'd make no noise while peering through the parlor keyhole...

Emma Trevayne

As he pulls away from her, his gaze meets mine, and we stare at each other for one long moment before I slowly raise my left hand and give him the middle finger.

Deanna Chase

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!

Ron Chernow

Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.

Bobby Darnell

Some women nodded, others shook their heads. I would have killed myself before I let one of them move into my house. Would you Helen? Would you really?

Kristin Hannah

I have the reports from Gemson and Boyd,” Syn replied. His boots were up on the corner of his desk as he reclined back in his chair, skimming the contents of the file.“How are they?” God asked. He removed his leather coat and draped it over the back of his chair.“Detailed. Good,” Syn answered. He brought his feet down and gave God a pointed look.The big man shook his head, already knowing what Syn wanted. He wanted everything they knew about this case. Now.“Alright Syn. Chill out. We’re not used to you yet. But we know what it means to have a Sergeant on our team. You’re the team's go to, and have just as much command and input regarding decision making as we do,” Day responded as God stared. Day chuckled. “Tito was just as important as the other Jacksons.”Syn threw a pen at Day, which he dodged easily. Syn couldn’t help but laugh at Day’s fucked up comparison. “I’m no fucking Tito, shithead.

A.E. Via

She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.

Kayti McGee

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

Ilona Andrews

Lesson for young men: if you want your eventual wife to be excited about sucking your dick for forty years, don't create a generation of women who think enthusiasm about sex is a bad thing.

Anna Kendrick

You have more issues than Reader's Digest.

Rebecca McNutt

Has anybody ever told you you’re a remarkably cynical person?”“I like to think of it as learning from experience.

Benedict Jacka

Oh my God, Green,” I heard Chubs say from somewhere in the room. “Just take the damn socksand put the kid out of his misery.

Alexandra Bracken

This is one of mommy's friends, buddy," I told Gavin. (...)"You're Mommy's fwiend?" he questioned. Carter just nodded with his mouth open and no sound coming out. I’m pretty sure he didn’t even hear Gavin. Someone could have asked him if he liked to watch gay porn while painting pictures of kittens and he would have nodded his head. Before anyone could react, Gavin pulled back one of his little fists of fury and slammed it right into Carters manhood. He immediately bent over at the waist, clutching his hands between his legs and gasping for breath. "Oh my God! Gavin!" I yelled, as I scrambled over to him, bent down and turned him around to face me while my dad and Liz laughed like hyenas behind me. "What is wrong with you? We don't hit people. EVER," I scolded. While Carter tried to breathe again, my dad managed to stop laughing long enough to apologize. "Sorry, Claire, that's probably my fault. I let Gavin watch "Fight Club" with me last night." "Your fwiends got you sick the other night. You said he was your fwiend," Gavin explained, like it made all the sense in the world. This just made my dad laugh even louder. "Not helping, Dad," I growled through clenched teeth. "You don't make my mommy sick, dicky-punk!" Gavin yelled at Carter, putting his two little fingers up by his eyes, and then pointing them right at Carter just like Liz had done to him earlier. "Jesus Christ," Carter wheezed. "Did he just threaten me?" "Jesus Cwist!" Gavin repeated back.

Tara Sivec

People don’t just appear on the beach unless they’re demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It’s happened—but that’s another story.)

Rick Riordan

I love our judicial system It's where Trump's fanciful delusions go to die.

Chad Almadani

The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, “absolutely fine doctor, but I’m terribly lonely without myself.

Benny Bellamacina

If there’s one thing all diviners share, it’s curiosity. We really can’t help it; it’s just part of who we are. If you dug out a tunnel somewhere in the wilderness a thousand miles from anywhere and hung a sign on it saying, ‘Warning, this leads to the Temple of Horrendous Doom. Do not enter, ever. No, not even then’, you’d get back from lunch to find a diviner already inside and two more about to go in.Come to think about it, that might explain why there are so few of us.

Benedict Jacka

The more you exaggerate, the more you will look funny!

Mehmet Murat ildan

Shocked to see me?" I drawl at them, chuckling at the horrific joke.

Victoria Aveyard

Soon she cried and farted herself to sleep.

Louise Erdrich

I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette

Lin-Manuel Miranda

I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette.

Lin-Manuel Miranda

I’ll use my divination and look into the future. Hey, you know what, I’m seeing the future right now. If I stand here and wait, then in three minutes a train’s going to come. And after that, another train’s going to come. Here, I’ll let you guess what’s going to happen afterwards. I’ll give you a hint—there’s a train.

Benedict Jacka

We are about to be eaten by a dragon, you’re crawling on bleeding hands through bat droppings, and you’re worried about being proper?

Bethany Wiggins

When you marooned me on that God forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing mate. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.

Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

I am a writer. Therefore. I am not sane.

Edgar Allan Poe

Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.

Eoin Colfer

Moms are so hard to understand! They'll never allow us to go on diet for fitness but forcefully make us fast in the name of God!~Swapna Rajput~

Swapna Rajput

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history.

Eoin Colfer

I do not see how my agreeing to marry a scruffy old brute will have the power to keep a fire-breathing dragon locked beneath a mountain. And if I don’t agree to marry him, will I truly be fed to the dragon? That is savage, and inhumane, and crazy.

Bethany Wiggins

I am so tired of this gothic crap,” I muttered. “Just once, I want to meet the villain in a cheerful, brightly lit room. Possibly one with kittens.

Seanan McGuire

My maid never sweeps under the bed so I asked her to do so today. Found a pen, three pairs of shoes and the man I had lost two years ago.

Sanhita Baruah

Good gravy on biscuits, girlfriend, you are in the middle of more messes than a platter of scrambled eggs. What's going on? Are the planets aligned funny? Or is that unaligned? Shoot, I have no idea. But I need to know what's going on. You and I will be going out for coffee in about thirty seconds.

Paige Shelton

No one's ever really ready for a troll.

Eoin Colfer

Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn’t really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn’t like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn’t exactly help me get into the school.

Ilona Andrews

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.

Eoin Colfer

The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.

Eoin Colfer

Im James Bond. Im Jason Bourne. Im Super-freaking-Mario come to life.

John David Anderson

She stood up when he approached her,Not to hug him,but to slap him.

SanviWords

We all go through the same things - it's just a different kind of the same thing

Susan Glaspell

You’re lucky you didn’t know him back in his tech phase. There was this time in our second year when we were living in the same house. Kitchen table kept wobbling so Landis shoved this metal saucer under one of the legs. Wasn’t until two weeks later we found out it was a land mine.

Benedict Jacka

because daytime leaves vampires less than, well, conscious, I told him, “Take your muffins to Boston and shut it, Terrance.” And then I hung up on him.

Molly Harper

If Chess is the switch,” Loretta said, “how does he turn the Fog off?” Bea bit her lower lip. “I don’t know—ask Chess.” “How would I know?” I said. “You try being a switch.

Joel N. Ross

Loretta started belting out a song: “Row, row, row your boat, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G !

Joel N. Ross

I don’t give sick days if you’re playing in the snow.” He’s being funny, or trying to be funny. I can never tell which.

Zoe Cruz

...Loretta threatened to beat him to death with a wooden spoon...

Joel N. Ross

Taken from the dedication in my debut novel Exactly 23 days. To honour all women on International Women's day. For women everywhere: When you know you are finally mended, spread the word, hold out your hand, share some love from your heart and some laughter from your soul and be there for a new member of the sisterhood who needs your help. Let's all help our sisters worldwide to stand tall and know, they can and they will recover, survive and thrive, to live the life they deserve. To all the sisters who reached out and held my hand in whatever way you could, who cried my tears with me, and laughter my laughter too, I thank every one of you. I survived.

Jayne Higgins

Why did Nicky call me the Baby Killer?" Kiara sniffled. "Because she is a bitch," Leontes said. Jaeger gave him a chastising look. "She's dead." "Dying did not make her any less of a bitch," Leontes replied.

A.E. Kirk

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Funny Quotes - Page 33

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