Funny Quotes - Page 22

done coma, walking/talking,art, cookery. scouts then wrote two books, asked for help, gave a book to HRH Princess Anne, tried publisher, got another DEGREE, now Google Gillian Mk2, what else can I do?

If that was the last event of the night, it would have made a terrible ending. It was just the beginning, though.

I'm losing weight, you notice, Pop?

I was just beginning to relax when the radio crackled to life, and nearly gave me a heart attack."I see something, I see something!" Maddy was screaming and sounded terrified. "I see something moving!"There was a weird, muffled sound, and then Skylar’s voice came on. "Please disregard that emergency broadcast. Madeline has just seen her first cow.

People say that they want to kill me. All I say is "I'm sorry but your appointment doesn't start until another hour, please sit in the waiting room.

There are moments in life where I wonder whether things can get worse. I'm on a plane, with my new husband, whose enthusiasm for this whole thing seems to be flagging, and it's in this deep moment of self-pity that I register–with absolute horror–that I've also just started my period.I look down at my white jeans and stifle a sob...

Christina Lauren

It’s like they were worried that I’d be alone all day brooding and painting my cabin black or something—sheesh.

I took her dress over to the closet and hung it up. It was funny. It made me feel sort of sad when I hung it up. I thought of her going in a store and buying it, and nobody in the store knowing she was a prostitute and all. The salesman probably just thought she was a regular girl when she bought it. It made me feel sad as hell- I don't know why exactly.

We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters.

Sandra Chami Kassis

Let us go forth and unconquer the world!

...I'm worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in grad school, a friend of a friend, and just listening to her talk is scary. The semiotic dialetics of intertextual modernity. Which makes no sense at all. Sometimes I feel that they live in a parallel universe of academia speaking acadamese instead of English and they don't really know what's happening in the real world.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

(on the word "fuck")'Oh, come on, Mum,' I sighed at her protest. 'It's just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female organ which has been adopted by an inherently misogynist language as a negative epithet. It's the same as "fuck", it basically means the same as copulate, but the latter is perfectly acceptable. Why? Because copulate has its roots in Latin and Latin reminds us that we are a sophisticated, learned species, not the rutting animals that these prehistoric grunts would have us appear to be, and isn't that really the issue here? We don't want to admit that we are essentially animals? We want to distinguish ourselves from the fauna with grand conceits and elaborate language; become angels worthy of salvation, not dumb creatures consigned to an earthly, terminal end. It's just a word, Mum; a sound meaning a thing; and your disgust is just denial of a greater horror: that our consciousness is not an indication of our specialness but the terrifying key to knowing how truly insignificant we are.'She told me to got fuck myself.

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

Dad says there are more than three thousand letters in the Japanese alphabet, which could pose a problem. There are only twenty-six letters in the English alphabet, and I get into enough trouble with them as it is.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Nothing is better than eternal happiness. So eternal happiness is beaten by a ham sandwich.

Gankis lifted an arm to point at the distant shale cliffs. "And in the face of it there were thousands of little holes, little what-you-call-'ems...""Alcoves," Kennit supplied in an almost dreamy voice. "I call them alcoves, Gankis. As would you, if you could speak your own mother tongue.

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this leap, which contradicts all previous experience in nuclear physics.

Otto Hahn

I’ve seen daggers pierce the chest,Children dying in the road,Crawling things hooked and baited,Rapists bound and then castrated,Villains singed in public square.Yet none these sights did make me cringeLike when my Love cut all her hair.

Yes, I know," Isadora said, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear:"I would rather eat a bowl of vampire batsthan spend an hour with Carmelita Spats."The Baudelaires giggled and then covered their mouths so nobody would know they were laughing at Carmelita."That was great," Klaus said. "I like the part about the bowl of bats.

Monster a person though monster not human.Monster like music. Like Beatles! Like Schumann!World full of stupid. World full of noise.Monster feel ANGRY. No birthday. No joys.World full of JUNK monster not comprehend.What is a childhood? What is a friend?Monster and human both want the same.Want conversation. Want love. WANT NO PAIN.If monster speak heart: monster life only worsen.Monster not human: BUT MONSTER A PERSON!

Jennifer Finney Boylan

Every time I watchLady and the TrampI think"SHE'S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!""QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT ALL, NOW!!!""GROWL! BARE YOUR TEETH! DO SOMETHING!"OH, DON'T GIVE HER THE MEATBALL!THERE'S MEAT IN IT!""IDIOT!"But then againI'm not the romantic type.

Francesco Marciuliano

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I've got it right.)Howe'er it was, he got his trunkEntangled in the telephunk;The more he tried to get it free, The louder buzzed the telephee-(I fear I'd better drop the songOf elephop and telephong!)

Laura Elizabeth Richards

Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, stars. Goodnight planets, comets and... Mars. Yes, even you, Mars. And not only for the sake of the rhyme.

Paul The Astronaut

By doing ordinary actions efficiently you will become the best among ordinary, but you will not be an extraordinary.

Fun and killing ain’t synonyms to regular folks, Zeus.”.

Look here, cousin,” Big Country’s drawled in the background. “This here’s a car. We just got off a plane, and no matter how fast you push this bitch, she ain’t gon’ fly, so believe me when I say, I refuse to die over some foolishness you call love, not today.

Swap out one of these men with the mute, and I’ll be right as rain,” Randy said from his spot near the kitchen entrance.“Thought we were besties,” Bride mumbled into the shot of rum she’d pilfered from Randy’s cabinet.

So a scientist and an engineer are tossed into separate rooms, stocked with tools and parts, and told that they aren't allowed out until they've produced a working prototype for a radio receiver. After two days, the scientist has covered the walls in scribbling and looks like a mad man, raving about how not only is it impossible to build a receiver with the parts given but that he's proven that radio is theoretically impossible anyway. When they check on the engineer, they find that he'd built the receiver in less than a day, fashioned a crude speaker and antenna, and had found a radio broadcast he liked and hadn't bothered to tell them he'd finished.

Joshua Dalzelle

Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love — Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me.

James Patterson

Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.

Bauvard

Asked in 1919 whether it was true that only three people in the world understood the theory of general relativity, [Eddington] allegedly replied: 'Who's the third?

Arthur Stanley Eddington

Quand celui à qui l'on parle ne comprend pas et celui qui parle ne se comprend pas, c'est de la métaphysiqueWhen he to whom a person speaks does not understand, and he who speaks does not understand himself, that is metaphysics.

Voltaire

Vomit and shit, even your own, stink.

I confessed I did not have an opinion; I was only thirteen, and this was my very first dismemberment.

Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so...twat-ish just then.

Red Tash

No matter how dire a situation may be, I can always find the humor in it somewhere. If I was ever in a horror movie I would be the goofy one who doesn't seem to know quite what's going on but survives to the end with witty one-liners.

A.J. Rose

This is what my high school life had become—a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions.

...seeing the way his trousers clung to those most English parts.

Seth Grahame-Smith

What your mind sees when you close your eyes marks the entrance to an endless universe: your imagination.

His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] “When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don’t grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you’d concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs!

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

You dance?”“I think that might be overly optimistic,” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.”“Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

Peyton, I’m not married and you’re not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

Don't see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something."tHe cast his eyes downward and didn't look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy. "My buddies don't have boobs, as far as I know."t"Because you felt them up to be sure?" I chuckled, against my better judgement. tOnce again, his mouth dropped open.

Stephanie Witter

He smiled wickedly, and my body warmed. "Girls dig bad boys."t"Unfortunately, that's true."t"Is there a message, Bridge?"t"In your dreams," I replied with a roll of my eyes, but it was all an act because there was a message there. I wanted him. I was screwed ― Uh, bad choice of words.

Stephanie Witter

Look,” she said, “apparently you bring out my inner slut. I’m not going to thank you for that.”Wyatt smiled that sexy smile of his. “I could make you.”She pointed a finger at his nose. And then lowered it so it was pointed at another part of his anatomy entirely. “Don’t even think about it.”“Oh, I won’t,” he said silkily. “But you will.”And she knew he was right.

Are we going to be stupid?” she whispered.“Define stupid.”“Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts.” Or their hearts…“I want to hear about your favorite body part,” he said. “In great detail.

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan,Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I’d thought about him in his underwear.Much.

I pulled back and stared up into his eyes. "You're gettin' very deep on me."Alec's hands gripped my behind. "I'll be getting very deep in you if you keep looking at me like that

Ow!" Aideen suddenly hollered which earned a bark from my bedroom."Go back asleep you fat shite!" Aideen shouted when I swiped the antiseptic wipe over a small cut above her eye.I hissed at her, "Leave him alone, he isn't fat. He just has a thick coat!"Aideen laughed through her hissing. "Yeah, a thick coat of blubber."I gave her a firm look. "Don't slag me baby when I'm cleanin' you up. Me finger might slip and jam into your eye.

I can walk... see."I made my legs walk."What are you doing?""Vertical walkin'."Alec laughed. "Pitch Perfect?""Amazin' film.

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