Funny Quotes - Page 13

Liza took her time sipping her tea. “That’s what I hear Janet. Of course, living it up can take years off your life and add them to your face.

Gwenn Wright

All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up.Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first date of her life.

Tara Janzen

Oh, a grenade. But where is the bamboo bazooka?

Cristin Harber

That’ll be like catching Niagara fucking Falls with a fly net.

Cristin Harber

Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you’re saying, but shut your pretty pie hole.

Cristin Harber

You tell your brother he's gonna pay for that car in silver.

Neal Shusterman

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder

Mingmei Yip

The other good thing was that I had enough rank to strong-arm Marjit into confessing that she'd been the one who'd told everything to Pa about my first invisibility cap, which was how Pa knew to come steal it. Unfortunately, since my rank in the surface world hung off Pa's, I did NOT have enough rank to take him to task for stealing my cap. So I just put him to sleep during a fancy dinner, so that he went facedown into the sour soup. Just the once. It eased my ire terrifically.

Merrie Haskell

She wondered what he really saw when he looked at her. God, she hoped she didn’t look like his mother or anything. That would be veering into a Hitchcock shower scene that she really didn’t want to be the star of.

Jane Cousins

Sher just laughed, shaking her head in genuine bemusement. “Just think it through Ace. I’m sure the answer will come to you… eventually.” Jake sat there in silence, staring at the closed door to Sher’s bedroom. What had just happened here? Well, he’d just knocked back Sher’s invitation to have sex for starters. Oh my God, what had he just done?

Jane Cousins

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

Belle de Jour

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

J. Lincoln Fenn

Jersey cows,” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced,” Theo teased.

M.J. Rose

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

Seth Czerepak

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

James Morrison

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

Carla H. Krueger

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Ryan Lilly

Play and be happy.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Mr. Morrow, IOI owns this network..." "Of course they do!" Morrow shouted gleefully. 'The own practically everything! Including you, pretty boy! I mean did they tattoo a UPC code on your ass when they hired you to sit there and spout their corporate propaganda?

Ernest Cline

Wisdom of the Ages: "Rainier" A beer and a mountain. You drink enough of one and the next day you feel like you fell off the other.All next week Wisdom of the Ages will be featuring the Seattle Seahawks and Super Bowl Topics. Tomorrow's Topic: "Tom Brady's Balls.

Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Matthew Heines

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Matthew Heines

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football.

Matthew D. Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Matthew Heines

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Matthew Heines

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.

Mark W Boyer

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

Edward Harris

She was called a cook, but there was no real evidence she had even a small amount of ability to do this. Every meal, no matter how much you thought you liked it before, would be ruined forever after having one of Margery’s slop versions of it. Burger and Chips or Lasagne, as Mike liked, were gruesomely murdered by the time Margery had used the ingredients (and added some special ones of her own!) to deliver a pile of gruel. It did not matter what the menu said; when served, it was always green, even if none of the ingredients were actually green!“Nexxxttt! Hey, you, I said NEXXTT!!!” she shouted at the violet boy who had hesitated to wonder if life was really worth this. “What’s your name, boy? Speak up now and tell me which class you are in?” This was a usual evil method Margery used so children had to give up holding their breath and smell the putrid stench of her sweaty BO mixed with the green muck she scooped from a giant vat beside her. The poor boy nearly passed out when it hit him, but, fortunately, his friend helped him stay up. He quickly grabbed his tray and sloshed his green slush all over as he ran for freedom. NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTT!!!

L.P. Donnelli

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.

Pawan Mishra

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

Christopher Shevlin

You have heard about the reindeer that pull old Santa's sled. But mostly I hate Rudolph and wish that he were dead. With his nose of red which we all know just can't be true. I wish someone would just kill him, that someone could be you. He is Santa's favorite and to the front he can be found. Instead of his red nose, "I" think it should be brown. He believes that Santa likes him and thinks that he's a winner. But Santa Claus has other plans he wants Rudolph for his dinner. Old Saint Nick is greedy this I know without a doubt. What else do you think happens to all the great toys we go without?He takes them and he breaks them be cause he doesn't care a bit. To me it doesn't matter, Why, he can keep his "Schict".Yes' it's true that I hate Santa too, dressed in his suit of silk. That's why this year with the homemade cookies, I'm going to leave some poison milk.

Mark W Boyer

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

Nicholas Murray

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Fakeer Ishavardas

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

Matshona Dhliwayo

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

Matshona Dhliwayo

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Matshona Dhliwayo

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

Emily Kirby

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

Ash Gray

As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.

Mark W Boyer

My body is tired as worn out rug, but my brain (if i had) is always full of curiosity, jumping around for seeking new funs. If they could learn how to be cooperative each others, my life could be way easier... sigh*

Hiroko Sakai

Personally I think there is no doubt that sub-atomic energy is available all around us, and that one day man will release and control its almost infinite power. We cannot prevent him from doing so and can only hope that he will not use it exclusively in blowing up his next door neighbour. (1936)

Francis William Aston

It's called the Infinity Effect.

Edward M. Wolfe

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say.""I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'""Well, yeah, that too.""I don't think those are very practical solutions to doubt," Oberon said. "They don't leave you feeling satisfied. 'When in doubt, eat your neighbor's lunch' is better, because then you would at least be full.

Kevin Hearne

Story Content Warning: There will be angst, sex, a little rough language and rampant lesbianism. If this is not your cup of tea, don't drink it. If you are not old enough to read this, you will be soon. It might be in your best interest to wait until you are older. If you live in a place where this is not legal... why are you still living there? Maybe it's time for you to move on.

BadSquirrel

I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don't much care about anyone's sensibilities anymore. I am called BadSquirrel for a reason. Considering how incredibly rude and grouchy I have become, I expect all of you to be extremely grateful to the QMBG (Queen Mother Bitch Goddess for those of you who haven't kept up) for all of the good warm fuzzy bits of my story. If you like it, it's because she went through it and took out all the really disturbing parts and made me behave.

BadSquirrel

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Funny Quotes - Page 13

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