Funny Quotes - Page 12

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.' 'I missed you too, Thurid.

Derek Landy

The police have no leads as yet on the person or persons who painted obscene suggestions on the buildings. One store owner said he was going to leave a dictionary on a public bench so the vandals could at least spell the obscenities correctly.

Anne Bishop

There are so many other fun ways to dishonor the family name that buying girls’ underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

Rin Chupeco

You can't write an honest novel about race in this country. If you write about how people are really affected by race, it'll be too obvious. Black writers who do literary fiction in this country, all three of them, not the ten thousand who write those bullshit ghetto books with the bright covers, have two choices: they can do precious or they can do pretentious. When you do neither, nobody knows what to do with you. So if you're going to write about race, you have to make sure it's so lyrical and subtle that the reader who doesn't read between the lines won't even know it's about race. You know, a Proustian meditation, all watery and fuzzy, that at the end just leaves you feeling watery and fuzzy.""Or just find a white writer. White writers can be blunt about race and get all activist because their anger isn't threatening.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Why write about the past? Well, there's more of it.

John Cleese

Nothing is worth having if it isn't worth showing off…

Thabang Gideon Magaola

You fellows are amazing,' the sweaty cook roared over the stoves. 'Everything happens to you only. Each time you come here, you have a new adventure story to entertain us

Rohinton Mistry

Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first night after parting from Willoughby. She would have been ashamed to look her family in the face next morning, had she not risen from her bed in more need of repose than when she lay down in it.

Jane Austen

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

Saurabh Sharma

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

Amy Sommers

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the moment.

Amy Sommers

You seem to be holding up rather well under the burden of the world's troubles. How do you do it?

Juliann Whicker

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Patriot Act" In theater and football, it's the last act before it's curtains for Seahawks opponents.

Matthew Heines

You can call me Grandpa, if that does it for you.

R.K. Lilley

You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking you to do them a big favor. Just because they're crazy about themself, they think you're crazy about them, too, and that you're just dying to do them a favor. It's sort of funny, in a way.

J.D. Salinger

When Johnny Depp saw it, he was so excited he fluffed up to twice his normal size.

Diane Messidoro

Bluestar's coming on patrol? Watch out for flying hedgehogs!

-Erin Hunter Cloudpaw A Dangerous Path Warriors 5

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

Robert A. Heinlein

I've got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

M.J. McGuire

I have a Siamese twin cat. It's got 2 heads and 18 lives.

M.J. McGuire

And the Lady's mate. Despite having only two legs and small fangs, there was much that was feline in that one, and he approved.

Anne Bishop

Today 5:14 p.m."Mrrrrrowl. Mrrrrrowl.""Ow! Ow, stupid cat! Ahem. You told me, 'stop calling, Isabelle,' but I'm not the one calling you. Church is calling you. Mine are merely the fingers that work the phone."See, here's something you may not have known before you committed your recent rash acts. Our cat, Church, and your cat, Chairman Meow? They're in love. I've never seen such love before. I never knew such love could exist in the heart of a... cat. Some people say that love between two dude cats is wrong, but I think it's beautiful. Love makes Church happier than I've ever seen him. Nothing makes him happy like Chairman Meow. Not tuna. Not shredding centuries-old tapestries. Nothing. Please don't keep these cats apart. Please don't take the joy of love away from Church."Look, this is really just a warning for your own good. If you keep Church and Chairman Meow apart, Church will start to get angry."You wouldn't like Church when he's angry."Beep

Cassandra Clare

Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to?

Sherwood Smith

Wine is to women as duct tape is to men - it fixes everything

- comic strip mama

Portia followed after, a smirk on her face, and Syc hissed as he passed.Donegan waited till they were gone, then swung round to Gracious."He hissed at me.""He hissed at you.""Should I hiss back?""It's a bit late.""He could still hear.""Not unless you run after him.""Do you think I should?""Probably not.""I think I should.""It'd be a bit weird.""You might be right." Donegan pursed his lips, then shook his fist at the doorway."That showed him," said Gracious.Donegan nodded. "He'll think twice about hissing at me again.

Derek Landy

Some people would say it's a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine hours straight. The one time I tried, Smudge had expressed his displeasure by burning through the screen that covered his tank, burrowing into my laundry basket, and setting two weeks' worth of clothes ablaze.

Jim C. Hines

I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the need...

Jim Butcher

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

L S May

Love is a damagemade to the heart,violence,fate thats written,Changeable by distance,Breakable by time...!

Honey Father

I got my heart checked, report says it's perfectly normal, there is no trace of love in it

Rushabh Patel

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you’re attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.

Colin Nissan

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

Katelyn Lillis

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

Val Edward Simone

You know how some people get sun-kissed, well i got sun bitch slapped

Ryan Oliveira

When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks down, there you AIN'T.

Amy Hill Hearth

She'd been pounding her location and thoughts into a device that would send those things to virtually any human with Internet access and yet looking over her shoulder had been a violation of privacy.

Stefan Bourque

Celaena?” Sam asked into the dark. “Should I worry about going to sleep?”She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.

Sarah J Maas

I wasn’t afraid of your average dark alley. I had standard Agency-issue spells in my coat and a nine millimeter in my purse for dealing with the less dangerous pests, but even I knew you have to be careful with an upset woman.

J.C. Nelson

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

Shannon L. Alder

Sim sighed. "like Ross always said: Wish in one hand,shit in the other,and see which hand fills up first.

Keith Gray

What you don’t even realize now—what you will only come to understand in time, but lucky for you, I’m here to tell you—is you’re not going to give two shits about this band in a few years. In fact, I guarantee that this group that you admire so much and that you are putting all of your love and dedication and devotion into will be nothing more than an obsession you will be immensely embarrassed of having had. One day you’ll be in college, maybe you’ll be at a party, and someone will say, ‘Hey, do you remember The Ruperts? How shitty was their music?’ and you will have a moment of crisis: Do you admit your former love for them, or do you concede, because you know in your heart that this person is right? And guess what you’ll say? You’ll say, ‘Yeah, their music was utter. Putrid.Garbage.

Goldy Moldavsky

FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caleb Lailk

There are so many people out there that will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say "Watch me!

Ashley Purdy

The bastards had done their job well.

Stephen Charles Gould

I’m sure I look a wreck. But he’s the one who wrecked me so he may as well take a good long look at what he’s done.

Monica Murphy

What the hell?” Ian asked, holding his hands over the front of his Christmas briefs. Sara had ordered them from the Internet, and he'd worn them to please her. Too bad there hadn't been enough time for the underwear to meet with an unfortunate accident. A lot could be blamed on a washing machine.

Rose Wynters

The door opens with a rusted jingle, and an animatronic Santa insults my moral virtue three times. Ho, ho, ho.

Kiersten White

Jeff- "A Hanukkah tradition is making potato pancakes. For something a little different, use a sweet potato. Anything you'd like to add, Walter?"Walter- "Accept Jesus as your Savior or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity.

Jeff Dunham

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!

Jay Asher

You have terminated me,” one of them said in a strange, flat voice. “But Iam one of many.”“Robots!” Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel.“One of many, one of many, one of many,” the robot Eraser was saying. NowNudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out.“Good!” spat the Gasman, kicking it hard. “Because we like to blow stuff up,blow stuff up, blow stuff up!

James Patterson

He slammed the door shut in Ian's face, the lock clicking into place. Ian hit it again with his fist before roaring, “If I were a pervert, I'd be looking for something a damn bit more attractive than you, jackass. And definitely someone that smelled alive.

Rose Wynters

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Criss Jami

I once told him that the best way to break up a fight is to step between the two people and start singing ancient folk songs. But I’d never heard of anyone actually doing such a thing.

David Levithan

While death is sadly inevitable, our grief will soon pass like a swallowed penny through one’s bowels.Painful change just takes time.

Jessica Watts

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

Fakeer Ishavardas

K, boys, it’s shirts against skins. Lose ‘em,” Lucy said, pointing to the guys and ignoring Thad.“I beg your pardon?” Thad said, aghast.“Why do we have to be skins?” Josh complained.Lucy looked at Erin and they both shrugged and grabbed the hems of their shirts, preparing to haul them over their heads.“Whoa!” Sable said, covering his eyes immediately.“Wait,” Josh, Angelo, and Thad said at the same time.“Hell, yeah,” Blaze chimed in.The girls stopped right before they fully exposed their chest. “What? You guys act like none of you have ever seen a pair of boobs in a bra before. Josh saw mine a few hours ago and I know, for a fact, that three of you have seen hers outside the bra.” Lucy looked pointedly at Thad, Blaze, and Angelo.Erin’s head snapped in Josh’s direction. “JOSH!” she screeched, accidentally letting loose a snap of electricity.

Christine James

Antonio," Ash groaned, "you know I hate it when you eat at my desk." "I know," Antonio replied, "but I don't mind and so long as one of us is reasonable, I figured why not?

Danielle James

I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.

Starley Ard

Miss Vida" Liam said "has anyone never told you that you are positively the whipped cream on the sundae of life?"She glared at him."Anyone ever told you your head is shaped like a pencil?""That is physically impossible," Chubs groused."He'd be__""Actually Liam began, "Cole once did try to__ What?""Oh,I'm sorry," Chubs said, "apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue.

Alexandra Bracken

My brain fizzles. The 'this is your brain on drugs' warning, should also issue a 'this is your brain when Jackson Reid looks at you like that,' warning.

Ashley Jade

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Funny Quotes - Page 12

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