Funny But True Quotes

For me, the times I always regret are missed opportunities to say farewell to good people, to wish them long life and say to them in all sincerity, "You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress." Too often I never get to say that when it should be said. Instead, I leave them with the equivalent of a "Later, dude!" only to discover there would be no later for us.

I don't know. I don't really like old movies. The acting is so, 'Hey buddy, ol' pal. Let's go wear our hats and have a big misunderstanding

Stephanie Perkins

Holy crap, Caleb! You're my uncle." Nick"No!" Caleb"It's worse. He's the half-brother of your great-grandfather." Kody"You're not helping." Caleb"No, but I'm entertaining myself at your adorable expense." Kody"Yeah, y'all are missing the important fact. To a Cajun, that makes him my uncle." Nick"Great. I always wanted to be a monkey's uncle. Nice to know I finally succeeded." Caleb

Sherrilyn Kenyon

It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it.

She shuddered. “What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then.

I have a bad grammar, but I do have a good message in it.

sivaprakash Sidhu

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

Most people are scumbags. Accept it. Let go. Chill out, douchebags.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco

Maria V. Snyder

Gomst's mouth framed a 'no', but every other muscle in him said 'yes'. You'd think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all.

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

She was supportive, didn’t pry or expect anything from me, and sensed when I needed my space. If she were a guy, I’d probably date her. Or, if I were a lesbian. And if she were a lesbian. I guess we’d both have to be lesbians for that to work. Regardless, she made a pretty great friend.

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you.

By(e) pen, I've tried my hand at poetry; only to see how boring it is to me. That is, unless I get a chance to destroy each and every piece while doing it as I please.

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits.

Yahtzee Croshaw

The word just hangs, until Severin starts the blender and there's only the sound of crunching and grinding vitamins, the silvery core of nourishment, containing every essential thing but the nourishment itself." (pg. 82)

It's always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics' ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they'll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Wisdom of the Ages: "National Symbol" With the preponderance of lawyers, banksters, arms, drug and tobacco dealers in our government, shouldn't our national symbol be changed from the eagle to the vulture?

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Women" Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, "Strong women make strong men.

Wisdom of the Ages "US News Media" If the devil is the father of all lies, isn't the US News Media their bitchy stepmother?

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

... they only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn’t understand tractor pulls, either.

That Reagan shaped mechanical gadget in the metal box that made you jump like a little sissy boy, Joe, that is the heart and soul of what the flag’n’Jebus crowd is scared of so bad they can’t even think about him existing.” He looked at Joe, waiting for an aha! that didn’t come. “That whole wing of modern conservatism lives for, on, about, with, in, and by the idea that everything is happening via supernatural powers and that the devil is powerful and has to be fought. Modern science totally spoils that because it gives people so much power but not from supernatural sources. No God in the instruments, you know?“So with modern tech we can make Ronald Reagan appear to come back from the grave, but to do it with modern tech leaves no need for spirits or sacred words or miracles or any other flavor of magic. Which only re emphasizes what they’re most afraid of: living in a world where nobody paints the sky blue every morning, or leaves quarters for teeth, or made platypi as a joke, or decided to sculpt the Grand Canyon, or took granny to heaven to make chocolate chip cookies for the angels. Nobody, nobody, nobody. So since their theology won’t let me bring in a Robo Jesus to call forth Robo Reagan, like sort of a Robo Lazarus, and they really want this, like so many people do…well, it can’t come from nobody, it has to come from somebody, and the somebody can’t be God.“Well, if the devil is anything, he’s somebody.”Joe was still sputtering. “But it…I mean, they’re going to think it’s coming out of Hell! Literal capital H real place Hell!”“Well, exactly. Think about how much that proves. If there’s a Hell and a Devil, there’s also a Heaven and a God. Once they have their Reagan back all they have to do is pray over him a little, drive the devil out, accept the blessing of a restored Reagan on behalf of God, and they’re good to go. God forgives crazier shit than that all the time.

Dogs are angels full of poop.

Oliver Gaspirtz

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off.

Well sue me for staring. I'd be willing to scrub away my shame on his washboard abs.

I have only one heart to give and one mind to lose. May I someday find a woman who will take them both.

Michael W. Grimard

Plot twist: everything goes exactly as planned.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending.

Fakeer Ishavardas

For what religion has never had sects? Rest assured, Extremism is always the derrière.

Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning.

The fact that we're all different is the one thing we all have in common.

What if everything about me is totally made up? What if I’m actually…I don’t know. A wanted fugitive in the States.”“Julia.” He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. “Nobody makes up being a high school math teacher.”“That’s why it’s the perfect disguise!”He shook his head. “Nobody.

Assuming what people want is about as controlled as using fireworks to start a fire.

No," said the cat. "Now, you people have names. That's because you don't know who you are. We know who we are, so we don't need names.

True devotion and humility is when you carelessly allow yourself to fall in love with things you consider will make you look inferior, which in essence, makes you superior.

Michael Bassey Johnson

If a religious book makes you harbor ill thoughts about those with differing faith, then, you're reading the wrong crap of late.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Generally it appears the case that, when faced with all life's problems, the baby, he wants to cry about everything, the child wants to question everything, the teenager wants to rebel against everything, the young adult wants to solve everything, the middle-aged adult wants to protect everything, and the elder wants to accept everything.

After each of his books, the writer, for a while, feels once again that he can now die happy.

Bitches act, loyal react

Prabuj

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

Well, it's true for every elder sibling, We have this supremely potent weapon "parents " on our side in such matters. In fact, such are the times when our maturity works wonders in hitching parents to our side over these younger siblings.

The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.

Look at the huge success of Fifty Shades of Grey. The girl in the book lets a rich guy beat her and ritually rape her, and she likes it! She finds it erotic! But imagine if Christian Grey wasn't a billionaire. Imagine if he lived in a dirty old trailer down by the river. Then that story wouldn't be a sexy romance novel, but an episode of CSI.

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are.

No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.

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