Dark Humor Quotes - Page 2

... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Magic. I draw with silver and it turns red.

Anonymous

Beyond all of that, I could see the wall I had seen from inside the train, the wall that runs along the train line. I assumed that there, behind it, was the west, and I was right. I could have been wrong, but I was right.' If she had any future it was over there, and she needed to get to it.I sit in the chair exploring the meaning of dumbstruck, rolling the word around in my mind. I laugh with Miriam as she laughs at herself, and at the boldness of being sixteen. At sixteen you are invulnerable. I laugh with her about rummaging around for a ladder in other people's sheds, and I laugh harder when she finds one. We laugh at the improbability of it, of someone barely more than a child poking around in Beatrix Potter's garden by the Wall, watching out for Mr McGregor and his blunderbuss, and looking for a step-ladder to scale one of the most fortified barriers on earth. We both like the girl she was, and I like the woman she has become.She says suddenly, 'I still have the scars on my hands from climbing the barbed wire, but you can't see them so well now.' She holds out her hands. The soft parts of her palms are crazed with definite white scares, each about a centimeter long.The first fence was wire mesh with a roll of barbed wire along the top.

I am glad to be led by light.

Lailah Gifty Akita

It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right - John Cleaver

Dan Wells

Sow a thought and reap an action, sow an action and reap a habit, sow a habit and reap a destiny - John Cleaver

Dan Wells

I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.

He comes.And he comesloadedwith noise pollution.If I ever prayed for anything,it was for a manto shut up.

Casey Renee Kiser

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

If you have to explain your sense of humor, then you are performing for the wrong crowd.

Shannon L. Alder

Darkness is necessary for evolvement.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Oh get over it Cecilia! You are no longer human. Such decorum doesn’t exist amongst our kind

Rap un zeal' Demon within. I might as well put up a giant 'Come and Get Eaten' sign for the good those warning runes do.

Sabrina Zbasnik

Are you entirely sure of that knot?' asked Morveer. 'There is no place in the plan for a lengthy drop'.'Twenty-eight strides', said Friendly.'What?''The drop'.A brief pause, 'That is not helpful'.

Joe Abercrombie

Love is a madness. Love is Failer - Durzo Blint

Assassination is an art, milord, and I am the city’s most accomplished artist - Durzo Blint

Your Majesty,” Durzo said gravely. “A man of your stature’s cursing vocabulary ought to extend beyond a tedious reiteration of the excreta that fills the void between his ears.” - Durzo Blint

Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint

A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint

I’m not who you think I am. I’m an actor. Just like all of you. I’m improvising, shooting from the hip. It’s all a lie. I’m a lie. You’re a lie. The lights—they don’t lie. But when they shine, they only tell half the story.

Daddy is jive talkingand showering the stripperMommy is sleepwalkingwhile changing baby's diaper

Casey Renee Kiser

Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out.

You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one.

Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.

How much is real and for how long..

J. Limbu

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace.

It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli

Laurell K. Hamilton

While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

James S.A. Corey

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

Edgar Rice Burroughs

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Terry Pratchett

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

James S.A. Corey

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots.

Edgar Rice Burroughs

You know, Mac,”Cadmus said still looking out the window. “We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it’s not amusing enough.” “I’ll try to include a joke between ‘he bled to death’and ‘the city burned’.”Machaon responded tersely.

Two death sentences? Really? I mean, you look very well, considering.”Crane grinned at him. “One was in absentia. One wasn’t, and I spent three days in a condemned cell. I can’t recommend the experience.”“And—did you say a smuggler?”“That was what the death sentences were for.

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Terry Pratchett

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

I hear they make greeting cards now to thank your therapist... for NOTHING

Casey Renee Kiser

In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

The Angel of Death is always a young person, or a group of young people, you'll begin seeing them left and right soon.

Benjamin R. Smith

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

So I heard the boom of my father's rifle when he shot my best friend. A bullet only costs about two cents, and anybody can afford that.

One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies. “They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?