Cynical Humor Quotes

If I were married, I would be unmarried.

Children throw tantrums because they've imagined their 'father in heaven' does so. And because, their inherited religious book has, in written, shown them so.

Fakeer Ishavardas

alcohol played the midwife

James Branch Cabell

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you all - if you are not people!

Fakeer Ishavardas

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

Fakeer Ishavardas

It's nice to be able to do things for other people, isn't it?That's why it's fun to talk in the third person sometimes.

Patrick Bryant

They tugged plans and ambitions out their asses and held tight to the first that didn't smell so strongly of shit.

Patrick Bryant

Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.

Angela Elwell Hunt

If by ‘foe’ you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I’d fall into the ‘friend’ category,” I replied cynically. “Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three.

M.A. George

Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair.

Tana French

Didn't Chains tell you about the Golden Theological Principle?""The what?""The single congruent aspect of every known religion. The one shared, universal assumption about the human condition.""What is it?""He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone's got a place in the queue, you can't get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that line is actually circular.

Scott Lynch

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

Fakeer Ishavardas

-Would you wish us to invest it for you?-No, I would like you to set up a trust for dumb animals.-What kind of dumb animals do you have in mind, Miss Donahue?-Oh, stray dogs. Rats. Birds.-We could still invest it for you. Then the animals would get the income without touching the capital.-No, I don't wish to invest it. I don't want them to get rich. They might become human.

Romain Gary

Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

Paddy Chayefsky

It seemed perverse to some, but for all their apparent militarism the Gzilt had remained peaceful over many millenia; it was the avowedly peaceful Culture that had , within living memory, taken part in an all-out galactic war against another civilisation.

Iain M. Banks

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories.

Brian Spellman

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back.

Richard Belzer

It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half.

Jess C. Scott

Has anybody ever told you you’re a remarkably cynical person?”“I like to think of it as learning from experience.

Benedict Jacka

Has anybody ever told you you’re a remarkably cynical person?”“I like to think of it as learning from experience.

Benedict Jacka

Belief is a wonderful way to pass the time until the facts come in.

Carl R White

Just like you silly bums, I have a personal sky god. I bow to him, as you do to your airy-fairy sod. He prefers I call him Mr. NOT.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.

Criss Jami

Cynical Humor Quotes

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