Comedy Quotes - Page 5

DESDEMONA: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.OTHELLO: Oh, ay, as summer flies are in the shambles,That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,Who art so lovely fair and smell’st so sweetThat the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst ne'er been born!DESDEMONA: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?OTHELLO: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,Made to write “whore” upon?

William Shakespeare

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

G.G. Silverman

Water!' cried Marie.'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy.'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill.'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth.Mary had another suggestion.'Give her air!'So had the bell-boy.'Slap her hands!'Lord Tidmouth went further.'Sit on her head!' he advised.

P.G. Wodehouse

I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I’ve just written the word ‘chops’. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?

Gideon Defoe

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

Julie Kagawa

Wow, that was an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.

The Muppets (2011)

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

Tiffany Ferentini

Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out![covers the mole]Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit![Fozzie uncovers the mole]Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

Muppets Most Wanted (2014)

Good thing we weren't here when this happened," Fred added. "We'd be pancakes - DEAD ones!

Jo Ann Yhard

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

Carolyn Drake

I know exactly what Clarissa is talking about. We have all been concerned about Brenda for a few weeks now. Most days she’s fine, but on the odd occasion, she’s behaving totally out of character. “I’m going to go now, I will leave you in peace,” she says about to hang up.“Clarissa?” I ask, making sure she’s still on the line.“I’m still here,” she says confirming.“It’s best to be honest with people, right?” I know that if my dear friend, one of my oldest friends is to offer me advice when I need it, then I should listen to what she has to say. I know that by asking her opinion, she will always tell me the truth. She will always steer me in the right direction and she would never lie to me.“Always,” she simply replies. “Goodnight sweetheart, see you in the morning.

J.A. Heron

Thank God it wasn’t beef jerky, or I might’ve ended up dead." "The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon.

Brett Bacon

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

Ifra Asad

I am always doing what I thought I couldn't do, because I might learn something. Henri Marcel - French Artist in Marriage, A Journey and A Dog.

Brenda H Sedgwick

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.

Bill Hicks

Only in California could the night air be lit not by fireflies, but radioactive porn star cumshots.

C.Z. Hazard

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

Hugh Wilson

If ye wear underwear, it's a skirt. If ye dinna, it's a kilt.

Vonnie Davis

Alma didn’t want Isabel to start singing the praises of their pet, a rescue beagle, or she wouldn’t shush until sundown. “I’ve found the missing lady,” Alma said. “Say welcome home, Betsy Sweet.

Ed Lynskey

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

S.A. Tawks

Judith (sadly): A change has come over my children of late. I have tried to shut my eyes to it, but in vain. At my time of life one must face bitter facts!

Noel Coward Sir

As for the committable comment, all geniuses are nuts, Heather, my patients appreciate it.

B.R. Maycock

The difference between a man and a woman is whether to ask for directions.

Edward Harris

Being an authorized user generates more of a risk than a reward. You are putting your credit in the hands of others. The previous statement implies their mistakes, now becomes yours! - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.

Cornelius J.

The people who establish the laws, acts, and regulations already did the tedious work; the rest of the process is just putting the “Credit Acts into Action.” - The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company's Secret Weapon.

Cornelius J.

Are you going to give her gonorrhea too, or was that gift just for me?

Cassia Leo

Tiberius sparred, “Mr. Monogamy doesn’t find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I’d have to chuck it all and join a monastery.” Thorne sparred, “You’d never be able to stop talking long enough.” Frost laughed, “He’d light on fire as soon as he stepped through the gate.” t“Right alongside of you,” Tiberius said, patting Frost’s shoulder. t“Touché,” Frost chuckled. “You do have me there.

Kim Cormack

Mr. Monogamy doesn’t find my shenanigans funny? Oh thank god, if you did I’d have to chuck it all and join a monastery.

Kim Cormack

Don't go a-hunting for a moose where there ain't no moose to hunt.

Richard E McCallum

Them Frenchies!’ ‘Unchristian, that’s what I call ’em,’ responded Mr. Stubbs severely. ‘I fair compassionate that wench.

Georgette Heyer

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,’ said the Runner. ‘I am here in the execution of my dooty.

Georgette Heyer

The people who are scared of ghosts are the ones who discuss most about them.

Abhishek Krishnan

Caution: Danger ahead. Do not refer to Adriana as little in regards to either her age or stature. If you happen to disregard this most basic of laws, approach with caution. Much, much caution.

Gina Marinello-Sweeney

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,

Zach Galifianakis

Laughter is the only free emotion - the only one that can't be compelled. We can be made to fear. We can even be made to believe we're in love because, if we're kept dependent and isolated for long enough, we bond in order to survive. But laughter explodes like an aha! It comes when the punch line changes everything that has gone before, when two opposites collide and make a third and when we suddenly see a new reality...laughter is an orgasm of the mind.

Gloria Steinem

On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor.

Pawan Mishra

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

Jane Dentinger

Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.Fozzie: Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.[drives past a giant fork]Fozzie: Kermit!Kermit: I don't believe that.

The Muppet Movie (1979)

Human Millipede 6 was the highest-grossing movie of the summer and returned Nicholas Cage to Oscar-winning status.

C.Z. Hazard

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track.

Erin Mitchell

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. (Dark City Lights)

Erin Mitchell

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

Elaine Kagan

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

Tyler Barton

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

Stephanie Bramson

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights)

Warren Moore

So what have I missed.” Ingra asked Javal “Not much but hey I managed to reach your friend in Islette so all's good.” Javal sounded nervous but why would he be nervous?

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Agres look!” Tria pointed Agres looked around “Very clever....” cheeky bastard Tria and Agres now found themselves back on a mountain top oh on not again

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

And Dilmore seems to be ignoring us again.” Tria says

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

It took us a stupid amount of time but we did it.

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Welp I'm fucked, how am I meant to do that?! “Dilmore?

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

This doesn't feel right Agres...” Tria whispered “Nonsense!” Agres replied.

Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Seventy-five percent of the time when I'm ordering my "almond milk matcha latte with no sugar added, lukewarm, please," I'll be recognized by an employee. And yes, my order is a pin in the ass, but I'm determined to enjoy the liquid indulgences of modern life. Might as well take advantage of it all before the zombie apocalypse. I have no practical skills; I'm fully aware that I'll be one of the first ones "turned." Instead of learning motorcycle repair or something else disaster-scenario useful, I'll order the drink I want until I become a shambling corpse.AND I WON'T BE DEFENSIVE ABOUT IT, OKAY?

Felicia Day

When the occasional stranger approaches me at a party to say, "Hey, you're Felicia Day. Let's talk about that comic book you were tweeting about last week!" it's the greatest thing in the world. Because it saves me from having to stand in the corner awkwardly, drinking all the Sprite, and then leaving after ten minutes without saying good-bye to my host.

Felicia Day

No small part of the club's audience consisted of would-be comics, as well as the leading comics of the day. In fact, there were so many gagsters around that it was difficult to know who was part of the act and who was just sitting in.

Kliph Nesteroff

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?

Homer Simpson

I never watch comedies they suck if something sucks it sucks there isn't doubt about it.

Deyth Banger

A life like this develops the comedy sense. You can't play tragedy while you're living it.

Edna Ferber

I wanted to join Footlights,” he says. “I wanted to be a writer-performer like the Pythons. In fact I wanted to be John Cleese and it took me some time to realise that the job was in fact taken.

Douglas Adams

The best comedy on earth shows up when an immoral person talks about the morals!

Mehmet Murat ildan

My grandad always said, "You should never judge a book by its cover." And it's for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.

Stewart Lee

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Comedy Quotes - Page 5

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