Comedy Quotes - Page 2

I should have known that having "end of the world" sex wouldn't solve our problems. Though, it was pretty great and I highly recommend it.

Jesse Petersen

Because I'm not really certain she'd make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.

Jesse Petersen

Now Vegas, while you were asleep your classmates and I were discussing time manipulation. What are your thoughts on the subject?”“Well,” Vegas turned to the class, his captive audience and smiled, “if you can manipulate time so this bell would hurry up and ring, I'd think it’s fabuloso.” The class snickered again, but not everyone since someone else had made a similar joke just several minutes prior. Naturally, Vegas hadn't been able to hear it over the sound of his own snoring.

Charlie Fey

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

Jonas Eriksson

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

Lewis Black

A funny person is funny only for so long, but a wit can sit down and go on being spellbinding forever. One is not meant to laugh. One stays quiet and marvels. Spontaneously witty talk is without question the most fascinating entertainment there is.

Diana Vreeland

The second rule of improvisation is not only to say yes, but YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then _add something of your own._ If I start a scene with 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you just say, 'Yeah...' we're kind of at a stand-still. But if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'What did you expect? We're in hell.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'Yes, this can't be good for the wax figures.' Or if I say, 'I can't believe it's so hot in here,' and you say, 'I told you we shouldn't have crawled into this dog's mouth,' now we're getting somewhere.

Tina Fey

I say, you look smashing this evening," Zayne strode over to her, took her arm, and began helping her up the walk, "That is a lovely gown, and what is the color of the hair you're currently sporting?

Jen Turano

Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)

Malcolm Gladwell

The coding was anachronistic, kind of like bokeh in a renaissance painting.

Sorin Suciu

We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Speak English at this table or I will fire you so fast you'll wind up standing at the airport wondering how you got from here to there without any goddamn pants on.

Mira Grant

SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy.

Seinfeld 2000

Wrinkles was her big gray cat. Sierra named him Wrinkles because when he was a little baby he had a wrinkly face. He slept in Sierra's room, but not always on the bed. Mommy said that was 'cause Wrinkles had an attitude. Most cats had attitudes, actually.

Karen Kingsbury

HARV, can you help at all here?” I asked, spinning downward.“I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it,” HARV told me.If I lived, I was going to kill HARV.

John Zakour

HARV appeared in front of me, arms crossed, head tilted. “You really should read your e-mails from Randy more carefully,” he lectured.“I skim them,” I protested.“Well, if you skimmed them more carefully you would know that prolonged exposure to stealth mode may lead to side effects.”“I can handle . . .”“Impotence.” HARV smiled.“Oh,” I said.“Randy hasn’t really tested it on humans. It’s extra tough to get volunteers for those types of experiments,” HARV said. “Though he has computer simulated it and the results tend to support this conclusion.”“Let’s try to limit our use of stealth mode from now on,” I said.

John Zakour

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn’t come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week.

John Zakour

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn’t that bad (I have a strong heart), it’s the sudden stops that are painful. Believe me — I experienced it once.

John Zakour

Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.

John Zakour

So, what you’re basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family.

John Zakour

Twoa said, obviously still in my brain. "It was my pheromones," she said defensively. I looked up at her; she was sniffing herself. She looked down at me. "Okay, maybe it wasn’t ALL the pheromones," she admitted. "Nobody makes a good deodorant for superheroes.

John Zakour

People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.

Roy Saputra

HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don't do requests.

J. Ross Clara

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Make your life the greatest story ever told!

Marie Guillaume

There's something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics tell you a truth you can only see from the underside of the psyche. At its best, comedy is prophesy and societal dream interpretation. At its worst it's just dick jokes.

Nadia Bolz-Weber

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

Douglas Lewis

The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat.

Douglas Adams

The Prince stood beside the timpanist to count his rests for him and see that he came in in the right place. I suppressed all the trumpet passages which were clearly beyond the players' grasp. The solitary trombone was left to his own devices; but as he wisely confined himself to the notes with which he was thoroughly familiar, such as A flat, D and F, and was careful to avoid all others, his success in the role was almost entirely a silent one.

Hector Berlioz

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

Henry Fielding

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

Dave Turner

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

The Covert Comic

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

The Covert Comic

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

The Covert Comic

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

The Covert Comic

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

The Covert Comic

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

The Covert Comic

Every Friday is black where I work.

The Covert Comic

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

The Covert Comic

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

The Covert Comic

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

The Covert Comic

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you're improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we're improvising and I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun,' and you say, 'That's not a gun. It's your finger. You're pointing your finger at me,' our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, 'Freeze, I have a gun!' and you say, 'The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!' then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.

Tina Fey

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.

St. John Morris

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

St. John Morris

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

St. John Morris

Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.

St. John Morris

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

St. John Morris

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

St. John Morris

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.

St. John Morris

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

St. John Morris

Your toaster’s a puff.

St. John Morris

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

St. John Morris

St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. “What are you doing son?” he asked.“Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

St. John Morris

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.

St. John Morris

I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?

Hillary DePiano

You must be clever, Tracey to do these forgeries.""She's not clever. I did them," yelled Frieda."You'll get five years.""She did them."From Halfpennies and Blue Vinyl

Robyn Quaker

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

M.J. McGuire

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Comedy Quotes - Page 2

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