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As for him “feeling dead”, that’s probably just a consequence of him being gone from your life for so long. In some sense he no longer feels real to you.

Paula Hawkins
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She's cuckoo, laying her egg in my nest.
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Who's to say that once I run, I'll find that isn't enough? Who's to say I won't end up feeling exactly the way I do right now-not safe, but stifled? Maybe I'll want to run again, and again, and eventually I'll end up back on those old tracks, because there's nowhere left to go. Maybe. Maybe not. You have to take the risk, don't you
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If he does it with you, he'll do it to you.
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Every time I think I'm about to seize the moment, it drifts back into the shadows, just beyond my reach.
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Let's be honest: women are still only really valued for two things--their looks and their role as mothers. I'm not beautiful, and I can't have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless.
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So who do I want to be tomorrow?
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I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head.
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I don't remember things. I black out and I can't remember where I've been or what I've done. Sometimes I wonder if I've done or said terrible things, and I can't remember. And if...if someone tells me something I've done, it doesn't even feel like me. it doesn't feel like it was me who was doing that thing. And it's so hard to feel responsible for something you don't remember. So I never feel bad enough. i feel bad, but the thing that i've done --it's removed from me. It's like it doesn't belong to me.
Paula Hawkins
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