Quotes by Writers - Page 184

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I think it is a great mistake to have matter that can think and feel. It complains so. By the same token, though, I suppose that boulders and mountains and moons could be accused of being a little too phlegmatic.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Steven Wright
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Ellen DeGeneres
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Richard Pryor
No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . ."t"And?"t"No damn cat, and no damn cradle.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
Let's be reasonable and add an eighth day to the week that is devoted exclusively to reading.
Lena Dunham
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.
Sam Levenson
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Ellen DeGeneres
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.
George Saunders
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I'm kidding.For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I'm kidding.We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding.If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.
Peter Ustinov
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I should never be left alone with my mind for too long.
Libba Bray
Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.
Oliver Goldsmith
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Steven Wright
You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
Orson Welles
A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.
Conan O'Brien
Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies.
Tim Burton
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.", May 16, 1767)
Voltaire
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Orson Welles
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Herman Wouk
The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
To be is to do - SocratesTo do is to be - SartreDo Be Do Be Do - Sinatra
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres
The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
I know all those words, but that sentence makes no sense to me.
Matt Groening
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.
Sheng Wang
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
Orson Welles
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Love never comes with a brochure of rules and regulations, a prospectus with guides of what is acceptable and what is abominable. It’s a standard to follow your heart, and that’s what I did and if doing that hurt you, then I’m sorry… sorry for coming in your life and wasting your time, for causing you an anguish so great that you could not bear the sight of me. Today, I am proud to stand up and honour myself and proclaim to the world… yes, I loved someone more than myself. I loved someone truly, madly, deeply!
Faraaz Kazi
Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside - to have a big hear and an open mind and a spectacular spleen.
Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes, there is no harm in putting off a piece of work until another day.
Antoine De Saint Exupery
I looked about me. Luminous points glowed in the darkness. Cigarettes punctuated the humble meditations of worn old clerks. I heard them talking to one another in murmurs and whispers. They talked about illness, money, shabby domestic cares. And suddenly I had a vision of the face of destiny. Old bureaucrat, my comrade, it is not you who are to blame. No one ever helped you to escape. You, like a termite, built your peace by blocking up with cement every chink and cranny through which the light might pierce. You rolled yourself up into a ball in your genteel security, in routine, in the stifling conventions of provincial life, raising a modest rampart against the winds and the tides and the stars. You have chosen not to be perturbed by great problems, having trouble enough to forget your own fate as a man. You are not the dweller upon an errant planet and do not ask yourself questions to which there are no answers. Nobody grasped you by the shoulder while there was still time. Now the clay of which you were shaped has dried and hardened, and naught in you will ever awaken the sleeping musician, the poet, the astronomer that possibly inhabited you in the beginning.
Antoine De Saint Exupery
The walls are the publishers of the poor.
Eduardo Galeano
The trouble with fiction," said John Rivers, "is that it makes too much sense. Reality never makes sense.
Aldous Huxley
Dupa ce iti omori demonii, daca ai curajul sa o faci, e musai sa te intorci pe acelasi drum.
Tudor Chirilă
You become mature when you become the authority of your own life.
Joseph Campbell
There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student.
Paul Graham
It is necessary to hope... for hope itself is happiness.
Samuel Johnson
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
Ellen DeGeneres
We must pass through the darkness, to reach the light.
Albert Pike
Beauty is the only human aspect which cannot be captured on any canvas howsoever hard an artist tries. At the most, the undaunted artist can replicate the beauty on paper but what is a replica in comparison to the original! The humbling resemblance can only be respected, not truly adored. Beauty cannot be imprisoned in the lens of a camera. The images of beauty are a moment of its essence. Beauty cannot be displayed to evoke pleasure for all on a cinema screen. Those are just its imprints, mere illusions of its existence. Beauty cannot be described by words; it cannot be written or read about. There are no suitable words in all the languages of the world, ancient or modern to hold it between a paper and a pen or a script and an eye. Beauty can only be experienced from far, its delightful aroma can only be tasted through one’s eyes and its pleasurable sight can only be felt from the soul.Beauty can only be best described at its origin through a befuddling silence, the kind that leaves one almost on the verge of a pleasurable death, just because one chooses beauty over life. There is nothing in this world to hold something so pure, so divine except a loving heart. And it is the only manner through which love recognises love; the language of love has no alphabet, no words.
Faraaz Kazi
I change the world, the world changes me.
Libba Bray
He was talking about the sign that said 'THE COMPLICATED FUTILITY OF IGNORANCE.''All knew was that I didn't want my daughter or anybody's child to see a message that negative every time she comes into the library,' he said. 'And then I found out it was you who was responsible for it.''What's so negative about it?' I said.'What could be a more negative word than "futility"?' he said.'"Ignorance,"' I said.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.