Quotes by Writers - Page 183

Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.
Alan W. Watts
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them
Antoine De Saint Exupery
Well, I must endure the presence of a few caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.
Antoine De Saint Exupery
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Nicolas Chamfort
About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.
The Harvard Lampoon
Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?
Marquis de Sade
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.
Roger Zelazny
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Ricky Gervais
When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Graham Chapman
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Steven Wright
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
Samuel Johnson
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Well finish your story anyway."Where was I?"The bubonic plague. The bulldozer was stalled by corpses."Oh, yes. Anyway, one sleepless night I stayed up with Father while he worked. It was all we could do to find a live patient to treat. In bed after bed after bed we found dead people.And Father started giggling," Castle continued.He couldn't stop. He walked out into the night with his flashlight. He was still giggling. He was making the flashlight beam dance over all the dead people stacked outside. He put his hand on my head and do you know what that marvelous man said to me?" asked Castle.Nope."'Son,' my father said to me, 'someday this will all be yours.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
Steven Wright
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Eugene Mirman
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
Graham Chapman
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Steven Wright
I was also built from delusional optimism and folly.
A.S. King
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Men are all the same, they think that because they came out of the belly of a woman they know all there is to know about women.
José Saramago
Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!
Graham Chapman
All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
Ellen DeGeneres
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
So, Belle, what's new today?"Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them.
The Harvard Lampoon
Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.
Noel Fielding
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Ellen DeGeneres
If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Steven Wright
Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.
Ellen DeGeneres
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Graham Chapman
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
Steven Wright
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven Wright
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson
An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.
Felicia Day
What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright
To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems
Matt Groening
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger. Now we answer, “What happened? Is someone tied up in the old sawmill?”“No, it’s Becky. I just called to say hi.”“Well you scared me half to death. You can’t just pick up the phone and try to talk to me like that. Don’t the tips of your fingers work?
Ellen DeGeneres