Quotes by Television Hosts

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
Craig Ferguson
They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.
Jay Leno
Our language one of our most precious natural resources deserves at least as much protection as our woodlands streams and whooping cranes.
James Lipton
When I look to the future it's so bright it burns my eyes.
Oprah Winfrey
When I look at the future it's so bright it burns my eyes.
Oprah Winfrey
It is always dullest before the yawn.
Bob Phillips
Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
David Frost
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.
Oprah Winfrey
This guy put the suck in success.
David Letterman
Actually I'm an overnight success. But it took twenty years.
Monty Hall
God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself and your role on Earth is to attach yourself to that divine force and let yourself be released to it.
Oprah Winfrey
Exude happiness and you will feel it back a thousand times.
Joan Lunden
It isn't until you come to a spiritual understanding of who you are-not necessarily a religious feeling but deep down the spirit within-that you can begin to take control.
Oprah Winfrey
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
I believe that this neglected wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery.
John Bradshaw
As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.
Jay Leno
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.
Jay Leno
I have a lot of things to prove to myself. One is that I can live my life fearlessly.
Oprah Winfrey
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
I believe that this neglected wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery.
John Bradshaw
Exude happiness and you will feel it back a thousand times.
Joan Lunden
As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.
Jay Leno
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.
Jay Leno
I have a lot of things to prove to myself. One is that I can live my life fearlessly.
Oprah Winfrey
When I look at the future it's so bright it burns my eyes.
Oprah Winfrey
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
Jay Leno
Everything that happened to me happened by mistake. I don't believe in fate. It's luck timing and accident.
Merv Griffin
Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.
Jay Leno
She represents the country Alamonia.
David Letterman
If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking drinking sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
Johnny Carson
President Reagan didn't always know what he knew.
Oliver North
Follow your instincts. That's where true wisdom manifests itself.
Oprah Winfrey
My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Jay Leno
I think education is power. I think that being able to communicate with people is power. One of my main goals on the planet is to encourage people to empower themselves.
Oprah Winfrey
Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
David Letterman
Happy people plan actions they don't plan results.
Dennis Wholey
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
Oprah Winfrey
Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.
Oprah Winfrey
Keep a grateful journal. Every night list five things that you are grateful for. What it will begin to do is change your perspective of your day and your life.
Oprah Winfrey
You cannot hate other people without hating yourself.
Oprah Winfrey
You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot live in a coed dorm have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!
Jay Leno
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
Jay Leno
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
The accomplice to the crime of corruption is frequently our own indifference.
Bess Myerson
L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.
Jay Leno
I believe that this neglected wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery.
John Bradshaw
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.
Oprah Winfrey
Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another step-pingstone to greatness.
Oprah Winfrey
Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...
Chelsea Handler
Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.
John Oliver
Don't go to eighth grade...don't talk about something old...don't bring up old memories that have nothing to do with who we are now. THIS is all that matters! TODAY.
Brad Meltzer
NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?
Bill Maher
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Craig Ferguson
Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.
Jimmy Fallon
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
Craig Ferguson
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Chelsea Handler
...we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring.
Ellen DeGeneres
Not every President is a great speaker. Not every President is a great thinker. But in the modern era, every single President is a master of one thing: eye contact.
Brad Meltzer
Perhaps nothing so accurately characterizes dysfunctional families as denial.
John Bradshaw