Quotes by Satirists - Page 23

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Not everyone who condemns masturbation can masturbate.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone else; and some are dead.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.
Samuel Butler
If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.
Charlie Brooker
Democracy means the opportunity to be everyone's slave.
Karl Kraus
If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Ambrose Bierce
You mean that because I have no name I cannot die and that you cannot be held answerable for death even if you kill me?""That is about the size of it," said the Sergeant.I felt so sad and so entirely disappointed that tears came into my eyes and a lump of incommunicable poignancy swelled tragically in my throat. I began to feel intensely every fragment of my equal humanity. The life that was bubbling at the end of my fingers was real and nearly painful in intensity and so was the beauty of my warm face and the loose humanity of my limbs and the racy health of my red rich blood. To leave it all without good reason and to smash the little empire into small fragments was a thing too pitiful even to refuse to think about.
Flann O'Brien
Sunglasses are more useful to a blind man than freedom of speech is to a man who does not think for himself.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people do not really want others to have freedom of speech, they just want others to be given the freedom to say want they want to hear.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
He asked me, "what were the usual causes or motives that made one country go to war with another?" I answered "they were innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief. Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have land or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of ministers, who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or divert the clamour of the subjects against their evil administration. Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives: for instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into the fire: what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, white, red, or gray: and whether it should be long or short, narrow or wide, dirty or clean; with many more. Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long a continuance, especially if it be in things indifferent.
Jonathan Swift
War: first, one hopes to win; then one expects the enemy to lose; then, one is satisfied that he too is suffering; in the end, one is surprised that everyone has lost.
Karl Kraus
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
Ambrose Bierce
How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print.
Karl Kraus
In love there are two evils: war and peace.
Horace