Quotes by Satirists - Page 11

But by what I have gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
Jonathan Swift
When the world has once begun to use us ill, it afterwards continues the same treatment with less scruple or ceremony, as men do to a whore.
Jonathan Swift
Irreverence is our only sacred cow.
Paul Krassner
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
Ambrose Bierce
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
Jonathan Swift
They see nothing indecent in sexual intercourse, whether heterosexual or homosexual, and indulge in it quite openly, in full view of everyone. The only exception was Socrates, who was always swearing that his relations with young men were purely Platonic, but nobody believed him for a moment, and Hyacinthus and Narcissus gave first-hand evidence to the contrary.
Lucian of Samosata
When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: "My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know, then, that she is capricious for she imposeth conditions that man cannot fulfill, and delinquency is punished by desertion. She cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned. One manifestation of curiosity, one sign of doubt, one expression of misgiving, and she is away!
Ambrose Bierce
If we attend continually and promptly to the little that we can do, we shall ere long be surprised to find how little remains that we cannot do.
Samuel Butler
A man who lives long enough will be a boy twice.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A face-lift is a woman’s attempt to lower the odds of the next person accurately guessing her age.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You can only be twice someone’s age once.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Here commences a new dominion acquired with a title by divine right.   Ships are sent with the first opportunity; the natives driven out or destroyed; their princes tortured to discover their gold; a free license given to all acts of inhumanity and lust, the earth reeking with the blood of its inhabitants: and this execrable crew of butchers, employed in so pious an expedition, is a modern colony, sent to convert and civilize an idolatrous and barbarous people!
Jonathan Swift
A murderer is a killer without a uniform.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him, and from thence to the university, where it was carefully taken out of him; and he was sent home like a well-threshed ear of corn, with nothing in his head.
Thomas Love Peacock
To be better equipped for the tests that the year will bring — read a textbook. To prepare for the tests that life will bring — read a book.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A true survivor is someone who, after 12+ years of being schooled, remains independent in their thinking.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
School forces unique individuals to think, act, and, look alike.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
School overpopulates students’ minds with too much of what happened yesterday; seldom with what the students can do today, or, tomorrow.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You don’t really need to be intelligent to be a 'top student.' All that you have to do is to forget the least in an exam.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
With homework, school prepares students for overtime. With reports, it prepares them for payday.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Investigating Koreiko's case might take a long time," said Ostap. "God only knows how long. And since there is no God, nobody knows. We are in a terrible bind.
Ilya Ilf
Every dog must have his day.
Jonathan Swift
Though you can love what you do not master, you cannot master what you do not love.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Make use of every friend— and every foe.
Alexander Pope
We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If unconventional ideas = sperm, then public opinion = abortion.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Opinions of the masses kill the 'extra' in an 'extraordinary' idea.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Public opinion is to an unconventional idea … what abortion is to sperm.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Committees kill unconventional ideas for a living.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I read recently that 60% of all drugs on the black-market had been put there by the police. No sooner are drugs seized, it seems, than they are recycled onto the streets by the arresting officers! I know our Leader, Mrs Thatcher, is in favour of private enterprise, but this is the free market gone mad!...Yours for the Market Economy Within Reasonable Limits!
William Donaldson
Capitalism has turned human beings into commodities. To the owner of a restaurant: the cook and a bag of potatoes are equally important.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
He has half the deed done who has made a beginning.
Horace
Not smoking is not an achievement. Like virginity, it comes standard.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Generally, a woman would rather be married to any man that she doesn’t hate, than remain unmarried to a man that she loves.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A 'good man' is a male creature that survives the endless episodes that its woman spends complaining about women who she hates, and, women who hate her.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Courtship is an activity whereby one losses oneself … whilst trying to win someone’s love.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
If love wasn’t conditional, every single first encounter with individuals of your 'preferred' gender would result in *love at first sight.*
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Courting is an activity where a man and a woman flaunt their virtues. Dating is an activity where life exposes the other’s vices.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Marriage and dating are man-made ideologies; if having a lover was a prerequisite to living, we’d all be born in pairs; as couples.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Love songs are nothing without exaggeration.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Women who do not play hard to get are hard to get.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Money cannot buy you love. But it sure can buy you things that some people will love you for having.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Once a woman goes over 25, she prioritizes 'financial security' in a potential lover. Love and good looks are just a bonus.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A wedding is a ceremony men fund with money they know they don’t have … to prove the love they think they have.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Most people can’t stand spending a few minutes by themself. Yet they expect others to spend an hour, a day, or, even a lifetime, with them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You know you’ve reached the end of a relationship: when your lover now demands that your jokes be funny before they laugh.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Not every happy person is married, and, Not every married person is happy.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Some wo/men are so possessive … you end up missing missing them.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
The phrase *You complete me* is nonsensical. A couple is a *we* … not a complete *me.*
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Those who say that money can’t buy you love make it sound as if love can buy you money.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Marriage is the commodification of affection, copulation, and, reproduction.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A broke man’s lover doesn’t feel ‘loved’ on her Birthday, Christmas, and, on Valentine’s Day.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A humanitarian seldom makes a good lover. For a lover’s world revolves around their lover, while a humanitarian’s world revolves around the world.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Mr. Right' is usually two or eight men.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Be ashamed not of being single, or, unemployed. That comes standard.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A love triangle is a threesome delayed.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
A tomboy is a bisexual girl’s dream lover.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to be If I Grow Up
Lenny Bruce
Nobody enjoys the company of others as intensely as someone who usually avoids the company of others.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana