Quotes by Humorists - Page 7

Go to bed early get up early-this is wise.
Mark Twain
O bed! O bed! Delicious bed! That heaven on earth to the weary head!
Thomas Hood
Error will slip through a crack while truth will stick in a doorway.
H. W. Shaw
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
Kin Hubbard
There is nothing so stupid as an educated man if you get off the thing that he was educated in.
Will Rogers
Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.
Dave Barry
He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint.
Dave Barry
You can lead a man up to the university but you can't make him think.
Finley Peter Dunne
The schools ain't what they used to be and never was.
Will Rogers
You can tell German wine from vinegar ... by the label.
Mark Twain
I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
Mark Twain
Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.
Robert Benchley
Fox-terriers are born with about four times as much original sin in them as other dogs.
Jerome K. Jerome
Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and inexcusable traitor both to yourself and to your country let men label you as they may.
Mark Twain
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain
It is not linen you're wearing out But human creatures' lives.
Thomas Hood
Tomorrow night I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics.
Mark Twain
If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one check your pulse. You may be dead.
Gelett Burgess
There are those who would misteach us that to stick in a rut is consistency and a virtue and that to climb out of the rut is inconsistency and a vice.
Mark Twain
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Mark Twain
We are chameleons and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blessed facility.
Mark Twain
I never saw a Purple Cow I never hope to see one: But I can tell you anyhow I'd rather see than be one.
Gelett Burgess
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
Franklin P. Jones
Courage is resistance to fear mastery of fear-not absence of fear.
Mark Twain
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck
Courage is resistance to fear mastery of fear not absence of fear.
Mark Twain
There are those who would misteach us that to stick in a rut is consistency - and a virtue and that to climb out of the rut is inconsistency - and a vice.
Mark Twain
Marrying for love may be a bit risky but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Josh Billings
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar a custom which is still continued.
Helen Rowland
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck
Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
Mark Twain
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
Mark Twain
Common sense is instinct and enough of it is genius.
H. W. Shaw
When I stand before God at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say "I used everything you gave me."
Erma Bombeck
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
Mark Twain
There is such a thing as too much couth.
S.J. Perelman
Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.
Dave Barry
I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase.
Dave Barry
I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong and he said: "Yes: the little one does."
Mark Twain
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country the American dollar will fall like a stone.
Erma Bombeck
Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd all have frozen to death.
Mark Twain
Ethical man - a Christian holding four aces.
Mark Twain
Cheer up the worst is yet to come.
Philander Johnson
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting things he has got.
Josh Billings
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
He liked to like people therefore people liked him.
Mark Twain
Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Mark Twain
I see gr-reat changes takin' place ivry day but no change at all ivry fifty years.
Finley Peter Dunne
There are three things which the public will always clamor for sooner or later: namely novelty novelty novelty.
Thomas Hood
The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.
Josh Billings
Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up then sell it. If it don't go up don't buy it.
Will Rogers
A holding company is the people you give your money to while you're being searched.
Will Rogers
As a rule from what I've observed the American Captain of Industry doesn't do anything out of business hours. When he has put the cat out and locked up the office for the night he just relapses into a state of coma from which he emerges only to start being a Captain of Industry again.
P.G. Wodehouse
Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.
Evan Esar
Bargain: something you can't use at a price you can't resist.
Franklin P. Jones
An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife.
Franklin P. Jones
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Mark Twain
You're only young once but you can always be immature.
Dave Barry
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense.
Helen Rowland