Quotes by Humorists - Page 6

I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it it's too far to walk back.
Franklin P. Jones
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness. Poverty and wealth have both failed.
Kin Hubbard
Happiness is a Swedish sunset it is there for all but most of us look the other way and lose it.
Mark Twain
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness poverty and wealth have both failed.
Kin Hubbard
There is work that is work and there is play that is play there is play that is work and work that is play. And in only one of these lie happiness.
Gelett Burgess
Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable.
Leo. C Rosten
To get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Mark Twain
To be busy is man's only happiness.
Mark Twain
If you ever find happiness by hunting for it you will find it as the old woman did her lost spectacles safe on her nose all the time.
Josh Billings
Let your boat of life be light packed only with what you need-a homely home and simple pleasures one or two friends worth the name someone to love and to love you a cat a dog enough to eat and enough to wear and a little more than enough to drink for thirst is a dangerous thing.
Jerome K. Jerome
Good friends good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Mark Twain
Don't mistake pleasures for happiness. They are a different breed of dog.
Josh Billings
Habit is habit and not to be thrown out of the window by any man but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
Mark Twain
Have a place for everything and keep the things somewheres else. That is not advice it is merely custom.
Mark Twain
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Will Rogers
Gossip is vice enjoyed vicariously - the sweet subtle satisfaction without the risk.
Kin Hubbard
Pity costs nothin' and ain't worth nothin'.
Josh Billings
Gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Bright and yellow hard and cold
Thomas Hood
I think the purpose of life is to be useful to be responsible to be honorable to be compassionate. It is after all to matter: to count to stand for something to have made some difference that you lived at all.
Leo. C Rosten
The main obligation is to amuse yourself.
S.J. Perelman
From his cradle to the grave a man never does a single thing which has any first and foremost object save one-to secure peace of mind spiritual comfort for himself.
Mark Twain
Unhappiness is in not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.
Don Herold
Even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
Mark Twain
There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
Mark Twain
Old friends we say are best when some sudden disillusionment shakes our faith in a new comrade.
Gelett Burgess
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly everybody will side with you when you are in the right.
Mark Twain
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.
Arnold Glasow
The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste coveting one another's desserts hiding shampoo locking each other out of our rooms inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant loving laughing defending and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
Erma Bombeck
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.
Erma Bombeck
Grief can take care of itself but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Mark Twain
To be satisfied with what one has that is wealth. As long as one sorely needs a certain additional amount that man isn't rich.
Mark Twain
The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.
Kin Hubbard
It ain't so much trouble to get rich as it is to tell when we have got rich.
Josh Billings
Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.
Josh Billings
If you count all your assets you always show a profit.
Robert Quillen
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Josh Billings
The fragrance of the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Mark Twain
Nobody ever forgets where he buried a hatchet.
Kin Hubbard
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority for any town?
Mark Twain
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Mark Twain
Nature never makes any blunders when she makes a fool she means it.
Josh Billings
Your flag and my flag And how it flies today In your land and my land And half a world away! Rose-red and blood-reed The stripes forever gleam Snow-white and soul-white - The good forefathers' dream Sky-blue and true-blue with stars to gleam aright - The gloried guidon of the day a shelter through the night.
Wilbur D. Nesbit
The human race is a race of cowards and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
Mark Twain
Never lend your car to someone you've given birth to.
Erma Bombeck
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson
Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put "I love Mom" on the license plate.
Erma Bombeck
I read one psychologist's theory that said "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he's recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
Erma Bombeck
Insanity is hereditary you get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.
Robert Benchley
Babies are such a nice way to start people.
Don Herold
As a general thing when a woman wears the pants in a family she has a good right to them.
Josh Billings
Faith is building on what you know is here so you can reach what you know is there.
Cullen Hightower
Faith is the soul riding at anchor.
Josh Billings
If it wasn't for faith there would be no living in this world we couldn't even eat hash with any safety.
Josh Billings
It ain't no disgrace for a man to fall but to lie there and grunt is.
Josh Billings
Failure is a disappointment but not defeat.
Jeanne Robertson
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Franklin P. Jones
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you do hold well.
Josh Billings