Quotes by Humorists - Page 5

There must be at least 500 million rats in the United States of course I am speaking only from memory.
Edgar Wilson Nye
A little while with grief and laughter And then the day will close The shadows gather . . . what comes after No man knows.
Donald R. P. Marquis
Henry VIII had so many wives because his dynastic sense was very strong whenever he saw a maid of honour.
Will Cuppy
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.
Finley Peter Dunne
A husband is what is left of a lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland
Name the greatest of all inventors: Accident.
Mark Twain
You can always get someone to love you - even if you have to do it yourself.
Tom Masson
He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
P.G. Wodehouse
The only thing that can stop hair from falling ... is the floor.
Will Rogers
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man - the biography of the man himself cannot be written.
Mark Twain
Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Franklin P. Jones
But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love why some days it's so quiet you don't even know it's there.
Erma Bombeck
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Mark Twain
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Mark Twain
Love looks through a telescope envy through a microscope.
Josh Billings
My advice to those who are about to begin in earnest the journey of life is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.
Josh Billings
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Mark Twain
I like life. It's something to do. Somewhere on this globe every 10 seconds there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
Some folks can look so busy doing nothin' that they seem indispensable.
Kin Hubbard
An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.
Finley Peter Dunne
No matter whether the Constitution follows the flag or not the Supreme Court follows the election returns.
Finley Peter Dunne
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble it's what we know that ain't so.
Will Rogers
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
It takes your enemy and your friend working together to hurt you to the heart the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.
Mark Twain
Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift.
Dave Barry
I've just learned about his illness let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb
The truly innocent are those who not only are guiltless themselves but who think others are.
Josh Billings
Fewer things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain
I don't know what humor is.
Will Rogers
The trouble ain't that people are ignorant: it's that they know so much that ain't so.
Josh Billings
Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
Will Rogers
Idleness like kisses to be sweet must be stolen.
Jerome K. Jerome
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
Jerome K. Jerome
We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can.
Will Rogers
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot.
Josh Billings
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
A humorist is a man who feels bad but who feels good about it.
Don Herold
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Dave Barry
Oh God! that bread should be so dear And flesh and blood so cheap!
Thomas Hood
I was born modest not all over but in spots.
Mark Twain
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Mark Twain
Lord save us all from ... a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Mark Twain
It is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Mark Twain
Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have the man looked honest enough.
Mark Twain
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off fr'm th' angels.
Finley Peter Dunne
Peace and rest at length have come All the day's long toil is past And each heart is whispering "Home Home at last!"
Thomas Hood
This thing of being a hero about the main thing to it is to know when to die.
Will Rogers
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Will Rogers
The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Mark Twain
Goodwill to others ... helps build you up. It is good for your body. It makes your blood purer your muscles stronger and your whole form more symmetrical in shape. It is the real elixir of life.
Prentice Mulford
There is no greater loan than a sympathetic ear.
Frank Tyger
Pity costs nothing and ain't worth nothing.
Josh Billings
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Mark Twain
There ain't nothing but one thing wrong with every one of us and that's selfishness.
Will Rogers
We may not pay Satan reverence for that would be indiscreet but we can at least respect his talents.
Mark Twain
When two people decide to get a divorce it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another but a sign that they have at last begun to.
Helen Rowland
Love the quest marriage the conquest divorce the inquest.
Helen Rowland
Health food makes me sick.
Calvin Trillin