Quotes by Humorists - Page 4

If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.
Will Rogers
The more you read about politics the more you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
Will Rogers
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
Will Rogers
The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
Mark Twain
More men have been elected between Sundown and Sunup than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown.
Will Rogers
I'm not a member of any organized party I'm a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.
Finley Peter Dunne
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
Will Cuppy
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Mark Twain
Don't throw a monkey-wrench into the machinery.
Philander Johnson
There's one thing about baldness - it's neat.
Don Herold
Why don't you get a haircut you look like a chrysanthemum.
P.G. Wodehouse
Be like a postage stamp-stick to one thing until you get there.
Josh Billings
A dog Is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Josh Billings
Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Josh Billings
The Creator made Italy with designs by Michelangelo.
Mark Twain
Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man.
Mark Twain
Insanity is hereditary - you can get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
To bring up a child in the way he should go travel that way yourself once in a while.
Josh Billings
Fear is the lengthened shadow of ignorance.
Arnold Glasow
You can't be envious and happy at the same time.
Frank Tyger
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck
What a good thing Adam had - when he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Mark Twain
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.
Kin Hubbard
The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening.
Kin Hubbard
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
Mark Twain
The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
Helen Rowland
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.
Finley Peter Dunne
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
Will Rogers
We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.
Dave Barry
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain
A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
Melville Landon
So get a few laughs and do the best you can.
Will Rogers
Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
Mark Twain
If you want to kill time try working it to death.
Sam Levenson
If a person gives you his time he can give you no more precious gift.
Frank Tyger
AH I know is what I see in the papers.
Will Rogers
Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Finley Peter Dunne
Don't knock the weather nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
Kin Hubbard
Richard Wagner a musician who wrote music which is better than it sounds.
Mark Twain
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
Mark Twain
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
It is a wise child that knows its own father and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.
Mark Twain
My mother phones daily to ask "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no she adds "So if you're not too busy call me while I'm still alive " . . . and hangs up.
Erma Bombeck
In statesmanship get formalities right never mind about the moralities.
Mark Twain
No shade no shine no butterflies no bees No fruits no flowers no leaves no birds November!
Thomas Hood
To make money buy some good stock hold it until it goes up and then sell it. If it doesn't go up don't buy it.
Will Rogers
Make money and the whole world will conspire to call you a gentleman.
Mark Twain
I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost.
Kin Hubbard
Most men would rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.
Josh Billings
In his private heart no man much respects himself.
Mark Twain
Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Mark Twain
The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
Helen Rowland
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck
A man's idee in a card game is war- crool devastatin' and pitiless. A lady's idee iv it is a combynation iv larceny embezzlement an' burglary.
Finley Peter Dunne
Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin except to be there when he doesn't want her.
Helen Rowland
All to myself I think of you Think of the things we used to do Think of the things we used to say Think of each happy bygone day Sometimes I sigh and sometimes I smile But I keep each olden golden while All to myself.
Wilbur D. Nesbit
English I remember I remember The house where I was born The little window where the sun Came peeping in at morn He never came a wink too soon Nor brought too long a day But now I often wish the night Had borne my breath away!
Thomas Hood
It isn't so astonishing the number of things that I can remember as the number of things I can remember that aren't so.
Mark Twain