Quotes by Humorists - Page 3

Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
Will Rogers
The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
Mark Twain
More men have been elected between Sundown and Sunup than ever were elected between Sunup and Sundown.
Will Rogers
I'm not a member of any organized party I'm a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.
Finley Peter Dunne
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Mark Twain
Don't throw a monkey-wrench into the machinery.
Philander Johnson
Why don't you get a haircut you look like a chrysanthemum.
P.G. Wodehouse
There's one thing about baldness - it's neat.
Don Herold
Be like a postage stamp-stick to one thing until you get there.
Josh Billings
A dog Is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Josh Billings
Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Josh Billings
The Creator made Italy with designs by Michelangelo.
Mark Twain
Insanity is hereditary - you can get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
To bring up a child in the way he should go travel that way yourself once in a while.
Josh Billings
Fear is the lengthened shadow of ignorance.
Arnold Glasow
You can't be envious and happy at the same time.
Frank Tyger
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck
What a good thing Adam had - when he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Mark Twain
An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.
Kin Hubbard
The world gets better every day - then worse again in the evening.
Kin Hubbard
I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
Mark Twain
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.
Finley Peter Dunne
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
Will Rogers
We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.
Dave Barry
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain
A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
Melville Landon
So get a few laughs and do the best you can.
Will Rogers
Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
Mark Twain
If you want to kill time try working it to death.
Sam Levenson
If a person gives you his time he can give you no more precious gift.
Frank Tyger
AH I know is what I see in the papers.
Will Rogers
Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Finley Peter Dunne
Don't knock the weather nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
Kin Hubbard
Richard Wagner a musician who wrote music which is better than it sounds.
Mark Twain
One revolution is like one cocktail it just gets you organized for the next.
Will Rogers
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
P.G. Wodehouse
It is a very delicate job to forgive a man without lowering him in his estimation and yours too.
Josh Billings
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me it's the parts that I do understand.
Mark Twain
Heaven goes by favor if it went by merit you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain
A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.
Finley Peter Dunne
The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale an' th' rest'll be rubber (plastic!)
Finley Peter Dunne
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Josh Billings
The butler entered the room a solemn procession of one.
P.G. Wodehouse
I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Leo Rosten
Get your facts first and then you can distort 'em as much as you please.
Mark Twain
If law school is so hard to get through how come there are so many lawyers?
Calvin Trillin
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead Spenser is dead so is Milton so is Shakespeare and I'm not feeling so well myself.
Mark Twain
We are chameleons and our partialities and prejudices change places with an easy and blessed facility.
Mark Twain
Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie-I found that out.
Mark Twain
In certain trying circumstances urgent circumstances desperate circumstances profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain
In prayer we call ourselves 'worms of the dust' but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par.
Mark Twain
Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.
Kin Hubbard
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Mark Twain
O God! that bread should be so dear And flesh and blood so cheap!
Thomas Hood
It is easy enough to say that poverty is no crime. No if it were men wouldn't be ashamed of it. It's a blunder though and is punished as such.
Jerome K. Jerome
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
Kin Hubbard
Debt is a trap which man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gets into.
Josh Billings
The Republicans have their splits right after election and Democrats have theirs just before an election.
Will Rogers