Quotes by Humorists - Page 27

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Mark Twain
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
P.G. Wodehouse
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.
P.G. Wodehouse
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
David Sedaris
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
Mark Twain
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
David Sedaris
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!
Mark Twain
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
Mark Twain
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
David Sedaris
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
David Sedaris
A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
Robert Benchley
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Mark Twain
I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
Mark Twain
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
Mark Twain
There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.
Mark Twain
I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.
Mark Twain
The purpose of life is not to be happy—but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you lived at all.
Leo Rosten
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
Mark Twain
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm, as you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.
Sam Levenson
Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Mark Twain
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Mark Twain
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Mark Twain
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone....We leave you a tradition with a future.The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete.People even more than things have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.Never throw out anybody.Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.Your “good old days” are still ahead of you, may you have many of them.
Sam Levenson
For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
Sam Levenson
Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
Mark Twain
Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.
Mark Twain
He had the look of one who had drunk the cup of life and found a dead beetle at the bottom.
P.G. Wodehouse
Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people that they don't like.
Will Rogers
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Mark Twain
Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Mark Twain
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Mark Twain
Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Mark Twain
Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.
P.G. Wodehouse
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Mark Twain
When God Created Mothers"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way." It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded. One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word." God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...." I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure." Can it think?" Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model." It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear." What's it for?" It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride." You are a genius, " said the angel. Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.
Erma Bombeck
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
P.G. Wodehouse