Quotes by Humorists - Page 2

I explained to him I had simple tastes and didn't want anything ostentatious no matter what it costs.
Art Buchwald
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
Oh! would I were dead now Or up in my bed now To cover my head now And have a good cry!
Thomas Hood
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
Will Rogers
The less we know the more we suspect.
H. W. Shaw
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers
Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?
Robert Benchley
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain
When a man gets talking about himself he seldom fails to be eloquent and often reaches the sublime.
Josh Billings
Oratory: the art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.
H. I. Phillips
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.
Will Cuppy
It's full of worth and goodness too with manly kindness blent It's worth a million dollars and it doesn't cost a cent.
Wilbur D. Nesbit
A slander is like a hornet if you cannot kill it dead the first blow better not strike at it.
H. W. Shaw
The main obligation is to amuse yourself.
S.J. Perelman
Success is simple. Do what's right the right way at the right time.
Arnold Glasow
The pause - that impressive silence that eloquent silence that geometrically progressive silence which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words howsoever felicitous could accomplish it.
Mark Twain
Debt is a trap which man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gets into.
Josh Billings
Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor both to yourself and to your country let men label you as they may.
Mark Twain
There is no man so low down that the cure for his condition does not lie strictly within himself.
Thomas L. Masson
The best bet is to bet on yourself.
Arnold Glasow
Your future depends on many things but mostly on you.
Frank Tyger
I am not a glutton-I am an explorer of food.
Erma Bombeck
It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself but the most inconvenient too.
Josh Billings
Gammy used to say "Too much scrubbing takes the life right out of things."
Betty MacDonald
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
Mark Twain
It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself but the most inconvenient one too.
Josh Billings
The schools ain't what they used to be and never was.
Will Rogers
If law school is so hard to get through how come there are so many lawyers?
Calvin Trillin
When we remember that we are all mad the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that but the really great make you feel that you too can become great.
Mark Twain
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
Mark Twain
The follies which a man regrets most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.
Helen Rowland
Love like a chicken salad or restaurant hash must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.
Helen Rowland
We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers
One revolution is like one cocktail it just gets you organized for the next.
Will Rogers
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
P.G. Wodehouse
It is a very delicate job to forgive a man without lowering him in his estimation and yours too.
Josh Billings
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me it's the parts that I do understand.
Mark Twain
Heaven goes by favor if it went by merit you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain
A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.
Finley Peter Dunne
The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale an' th' rest'll be rubber (plastic!)
Finley Peter Dunne
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Josh Billings
The butler entered the room a solemn procession of one.
P.G. Wodehouse
I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Leo Rosten
Get your facts first and then you can distort 'em as much as you please.
Mark Twain
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead Spenser is dead so is Milton so is Shakespeare and I'm not feeling so well myself.
Mark Twain
We are chameleons and our partialities and prejudices change places with an easy and blessed facility.
Mark Twain
Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie-I found that out.
Mark Twain
In prayer we call ourselves 'worms of the dust' but it is only on a sort of tacit understanding that the remark shall not be taken at par.
Mark Twain
Some fellows pay a compliment like they expected a receipt.
Kin Hubbard
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Mark Twain
O God! that bread should be so dear And flesh and blood so cheap!
Thomas Hood
It is easy enough to say that poverty is no crime. No if it were men wouldn't be ashamed of it. It's a blunder though and is punished as such.
Jerome K. Jerome
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.
Kin Hubbard
The Republicans have their splits right after election and Democrats have theirs just before an election.
Will Rogers
If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.
Will Rogers
The more you read about politics the more you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
Will Rogers