Quotes by Comedy Writers

Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good - we want it Tuesday.
Dennis Norden
I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?
Robert Orben
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Robert Orben
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
Robert Orben
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there I go to work.
Robert Orben
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Robert Orben
I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?
Robert Orben
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Robert Orben
It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
Robert Orben
Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there I go to work.
Robert Orben
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
Robert Orben
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
Robert Orben
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Robert Orben
Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.
Robert Orben
Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!
Robert Orben
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
Robert Orben
Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners.
Robert Orben
Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.
Robert Orben
We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
Robert Orben
I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!
Robert Orben
I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.
Robert Orben
Humor is an attitude. It's a way of looking at life and of telling others how you feel about what's happening around you.
Gene Perret
New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!
Robert Orben
I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around.
Robert Orben
It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.
Robert Orben
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.
Robert Orben
Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
Robert Orben
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
Robert Orben
Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.
Robert Orben
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Robert Orben
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Robert Orben