Quotes by Comedians - Page 8

Of all the things I miss the thing I miss the most is my mind.
Lotus Weinstock
You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.
George Burns
I am just turning 40 and taking my time about it.
Harold Lloyd
I have always grown from my problems and challenges from the things that don't work out. That's when I've really learned.
Carol Burnett
I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.
Bob Hope
I don't deserve this award but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap.
Carrie Snow
The whole motivation for any performer is 'Look at me Ma.'
Lenny Bruce
Show business is like sex. When it's wonderful it's wonderful. But when it isn't very good it's still all right.
Max Wall
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
George Burns
A fan club is a group of people who tell an actor he is not alone in the way he feels about himself.
Jack Carson
I think knowing what you cannot do is more important than knowing what you can do.
Lucille Ball
we will always be with u. we internalize traits we observe in others as a way to honor and remeber them. we are all living memorials
Jomny Sun
But I didn't mind. I loved that everything was cataloged and ready to go and that I was technically now living and sleeping in a library.
B.J. Novak
You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Graham Chapman
And after his unparsable response, including a passage where he said he was 'blurring the boundaries between a thing and thought,' she said, 'Thank you, I get lost sometimes,' while laying two fingers on his folded arm.
Steve Martin
Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...
Chelsea Handler
Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.
John Oliver
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it'll be today again
George Carlin
Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
Stephen Colbert
The only politician ever to have entered parliament with honourable intentions, was Guy Fawkes.
Terry Deary
NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?
Bill Maher
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Craig Ferguson
I visualize myself winning the Olympic Pentathlon, inventing a phone that can be controlled by brain waves, or doing the laundry. I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.
Aisha Tyler
My cousin Georgia says that boys are like gazelles. She says the get alarmed when they get close to girls. And they have to leap off into the woods like gazelles in trousers. Or have I just made that up?
Louise Rennison
Apparently if you want to get a boy to like you, you go sort of mysterious and icy and cool. That’s what my cousin said and she has loads of boyfriends and snogging-type experiences.
Louise Rennison
Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.
Jimmy Fallon
Nobody is wired wrong because there’s no wrong and right in the way we are.
Hannah Hart
I don’t really like organizations where people are “deemed” things.
Mindy Kaling
Commenting on print journalism at the Commenting on print journalism at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner: “Thanks to Obamacare, millions of Americans can visit a doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like.
Joel McHale
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
Craig Ferguson
There had to be one universe — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it.
Gaby Dunn
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin
I didn't cross the line, you drew it in after I traversed it.
Russell Brand
My name is Mr Bread." He began writing his name neatly on the board. "But you can call me Peter."Suddenly there was quiet, as thirty little brains whirred."Pita Bread!" proclaimed a ginger-haired boy from the back.
David Walliams
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
Fred Allen
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
Chelsea Handler
Just bear a passing resemblance to a fictional romantic trope I like and I will love you forever. We're all just trying to find the Mark Darcy of our workplace, aren't we?
Mindy Kaling
Boredom is your mind and body’s way of telling you you’re not living up to your potential.
Hal Sparks
The one undeniable benefit of having spent some time in the closet is that it nurtures a talent that you can fall back on any time: lying convincingly. Sometimes I worried that queer kids in the twenty-first century coming out at twelve, or even younger, would never develop that valuable skill.
Bob Smith
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Fred Allen
...just remember, darling, it is pain that changes our lives.
Steve Martin
And, sincerely, we respect her stance. The Liberal Rednecks are all about standing up for your beliefs even when they’re hateful, bigoted, and go against everything your alleged Lord and Savior stood for. The thing is, doing that would have involved quitting her job—but that’s just something the four-times-married mother was not prepared to do for her faith. Go on TV and be called a hero by powerful politicians who agree with her and her “stand”? Sure, that’s fine. Have the Church pay for her legal bills and prop her up (instead of, oh we don’t know, giving that money to the poor)? Yes, sir. But actually quit instead of breaking an oath (which, by the way, is a sin)? That’s just something Jesus apparently wouldn’t do. Kim Davis is an analogy for Christians at large in the South. She was not oppressed. She was not forced to do anything. She could have quit. The truth is she did not want to quit her job as an elected official. She wanted to bend the political will of those around her so she could prevent other humans from marrying each other because she didn’t like the idea of it. That’s not oppression—that’s someone trying to use the inordinate amount of power they have (over the media and literally as the clerk) to affect the lives of strangers she disagrees with. Guess what that is? Yup. That is oppression.
Trae Crowder
I urge you all today, especially today during these times of chaos and war, to love yourself without reservations and to love each other without restraint. Unless you're into leather.
Margaret Cho
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen Colbert
...we should be grateful for them because without our family—the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day—life is pretty boring.
Ellen DeGeneres
Love is a creative act. When you love someone you create a new world for them. My mother did that for me, and with the progress I made and the things I learned, I came back and created a new world and a new understanding for her.
Trevor Noah
Christ, seven years of college, down the drain.
John Belushi
I learned to cope with my needs for attention by creating my own private personal rituals to make myself feel special.
Merrill Markoe
You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.
George Carlin
The word "yoga" literally means "uniting", because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck.
Ellen DeGeneres
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope
Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you never met, and to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in.
Doug Stanhope
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
George Carlin
Ultimately, we are all products of the experiences we have and the decisions we make as children, and it remains a peculiar detail of the human condition that something as precious as a future is entrusted to us when we possess so little foresight. Perhaps that’s what makes hindsight so intriguing. When you’re young the future is a blank canvas, but looking back you are always able to see the big picture.
Simon Pegg
What a terrible thing, I thought, to let a moment go.
Danny Wallace
We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers.
Eddie Izzard
Are You Driving With Your Eyes Open? Or Are You like Using The Force?
Eddie Murphy- Beverly Hills Cop