Quotes by Comedians - Page 7

Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W.C.Fields
I started smoking to lose weight. After I dropped that lung I felt pretty good.
Michael Meehan
I've noticed the customers in health food stores. They are pale skinny people who usually look half dead. In a steak house you see robust ruddy people. They're dying of course but they look terrific.
Bill Cosby
I've never been drunk but often I've been overserved.
George Gobel
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy.
W.C.Fields
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
Jay Leno
I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.
Dean Martin
I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.
W.C.Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her.
W.C.Fields
We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame almost always is placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything - coffee water milk soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing I will make mine whisky.
W.C.Fields
I have never been drunk but I've often been overserved.
George Gobel
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning middle and end. Life is about not knowing having to change taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next.
Gilda Radner
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
Rodney Dangerfield
At last God caught his eye.
Harry Secombe
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
I can always be distracted by love but eventually I get horny for my creativity.
Gilda Radner
I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille Ball
The bravest thing that men do is love women.
Mort Sahl
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.
Caroline Rhea
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
In the race for love I was scratched.
Joan Davis
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.
Rita Rudner
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
David Steinberg
I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what the letters in Delta stand for. He said "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive."
Adam Christing
When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.
Groucho Marx
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.
Joan Rivers
Chicago was started by a bunch of New Yorkers who said "Gee I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty but it just isn't cold enough."
Richard Jeni
It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Groucho Marx
I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days like in West Side Story the gangs used to dance with each other.
Robert G. Lee
I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Fred Allen
I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point.
Joan Rivers
L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time.
Jay Leno
Canada is a collection often provinces with strong governments loosely connected by fear.
Dave Broadfoot
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Marty Allen
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up 'cause they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family who I hear are wonderful people.
Howie Mandel
In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.
George Burns
Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Milton Berle
Women don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty but when you get to be seventy it stretches into a condor.
Billy Elmer
There are three ages of man: youth middle age and "Gee you look good."
Red Skelton
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.
Rita Rudner
I'd like to start a family but you have to have a date first.
Larry David
Personally I think any more than two or three kids is not a family it's a litter.
Tracey Ullman
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
The secret to longevity is to keep breathing.
Sophie Tucker
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
Flip Wilson
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
George Burns
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
George Burns
I don't generally feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope
There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure.
Dennis Wolfberg
I can't tell you his age but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Milton Berle
Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.
Joan Rivers
After thirty a body has a mind of its own.
Bette Midler