Quotes by Comedians - Page 6

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
Lenny Bruce
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So for every ten Jews beating their breasts God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
When people ask me if I have any spare change I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
Nick Arnette
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex she objects.
Les Dawson
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller
There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
Red Skelton
My wife loves Europe but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
Jay Leno
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
Fred Allen
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
Bob Rubin
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Red Skelton
For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
Lily Tomlin
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
Rita Rudner
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W.C.Fields
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Ladies and gentlemen after what I've been through I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
David Letterman
I won't say I'm out of condition now - but I even puff going downstairs.
Dick Gregory
I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.
George Burns
One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.
Dick Gregory
The secret of staying young is to live honestly eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball
From birth to age eighteen a girl needs good parents. From eighteen to thirty-five she needs good looks. From thirty-five to fifty-five she needs a good personality. From fifty-five on she needs good cash.
Sophie Tucker
When love is out of your life you're through in a way. Because while it is there it's like a motor that's going you have such vitality to do things big things because love is goosing you all the time.
Fanny Brice
All I can say about life is Oh God enjoy it!
Bob Newhart
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
George Burns
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Elayne Boosler
I'm not going to let my life revolve around losing weight. I have other things to do.
Rosie O'Donnell
We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.
Bob Hope
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Red Skelton
I know lots more old drunks than old doctors.
Joe E. Lewis
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Bill Cosby
I lived in Miami for a while in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead.
Gabe Kaplan
Keep the other person's well-being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.
Betty White
Why should we break up Our snug and pleasant party? Time was made for slaves But never for us so hearty.
John B. Buckstone
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons
We were so poor we had no hot water. But it didn't matter because we had no bathtub to put it in anyway.
Tom Dreesen
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
My father told me marijuana would cause me brain damage - because if he caught me doing it he was going to break my head.
Tom Dreesen
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner
I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.
Fred Allen
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
Jerry Seinfeld
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family ... in another city.
George Burns
Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
Never brag about your ancestors coming over on the Mayflower the immigration laws weren't as strict in those days.
Lew Lehr
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.
Groucho Marx
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - 'cause they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
To know that one has never really tried - that is the only death.
Marie Dressier
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Carol Burnett
A sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive tolerate the unpleasant cope with the unexpected and smile through the unbearable.
Moshe Waldoks
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Mel Brooks
Disease can be seen as a call for personal transformation through metamorphosis. It is a transition from the death of your old self into the birth of your new.
Tom O'Connor
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
It seems to me that you can go sauntering along for a certain period telling the English some interesting things about themselves and then all at once it feels as if you had stepped on the prongs of a rake.
Patrick Campbell
Do you think your boy will forget all he learned in college? "I hope so. He can't make a living drinking."
Larry Wilde
Do you know the difference between a kayak and a college student? A kayak tips.
Chad Morgan
You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot live in a coed dorm have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!
Jay Leno
I won't say ours was a tough school but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like "What I'm Going to Be if I Grow Up."
Lenny Bruce