Quotes by Comedians - Page 5

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.
Rita Rudner
You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.
Jay Leno
It women knew what we were thinking they'd never stop slapping us.
Larry Miller
For a single woman preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
Elayne Boosler
Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Rita Rudner
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Rita Rudner
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
Groucho Marx
It's just like magic. When you live by yourself all your annoying habits are gone!
Merrill Markoe
I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else hard work and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.
Lucille Ball
I love a lassie a bonnie bonnie lassie She's as pure as the lily in the dell. She's as sweet as the heather The bonnie bloomin' heather Mary ma Scotch Blue-bell.
Harry Lauder
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope
A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short.
Mickey Rooney
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Groucho Marx
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play Softball on the weekends.
Bobby Kelton
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce murder yes but divorce never.
Jack Benny
Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.
Jay Leno
We've never been happier. Things are great. . . I just don't go into her part of the house.
Buddy Hackett
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Rita Rudner
I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.
Rita Rudner
She represents the country Alamonia.
David Letterman
You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
Roseanne Barr
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
Roseanne Barr
I'd like to go to assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.
Adam Christing
If love is the answer could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
The groom is so much better for her than her last boyfriend. He's sophisticated he brings her flowers and candy he dines by candlelight. Her last boyfriend thought it was enough to spray her name on a fence.
Tim Conway
My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she writes in her diary.
Drake Sather
No man is boss in his own home but he can make up for it by making a dog play dead.
W.C.Fields
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
Jerry Seinfeld
His toupee makes him look twenty years sillier.
Bill Dana
I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.
Red Skelton
He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Joan Rivers
I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair but he says he's charging me for finding it.
Tim Conway
After fifteen years of marriage my wife wants us to recommit our vows. As a man I don't understand her need to get married again. We've got our toaster let's move on.
Robert G. Lee
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
Gilda Radner
Everybody forgets the basic thing: people are not going to love you unless you love them.
Pat Carroll
It's good to play and you must keep in practice.
Jerry Seinfeld
Humor has great power to heal on an emotional level. You can't hold anger you can't hold fear you can't hold hurt while you're laughing.
Steve Bhaerman
If love is the answer could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
We're all in this together - by ourselves.
Lily Tomlin
You only live once - but if you work it right once is enough.
Joe E. Lewis
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
Sometimes I wish life had a fast-forward button.
Dan Chopin
If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking drinking sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.
Johnny Carson
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with Prudential. All I can say is: When I go they go!
Jack Benny
I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
Red Skelton
My mother always said that every time you do a good deed here on Earth you're storing up a treasure in heaven. Which means Mother Teresa's probably got some beachfront property up there and I'm up to a box of Milk Duds and a Pez dispenser.
Robert G. Lee
I want to die like my grandfather died . . . peacefully in his sleep. Not like the other three people screaming in the car.
Joey Adams
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.
Lucille Ball
I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change.
Joan Rivers
He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin.
Joan Rivers
You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
Robin Williams
There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
Robin Williams
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Fred Allen
I have always wanted to be somebody but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Comedy is tragedy - plus time.
Carol Burnett
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
Victor Borge
Humour is just another defence against the universe.
Mel Brooks